Monday, August 29, 2005

Big Bad Bill Gettin' His Blog On!


Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Herrin has formally entered the blog universe. Not only has he created his own blog, but he also is an official contributor to my fine, online publication. He, along with Paul "The Violent Farmer" Shields, are now full fledged members of "Big Thoughts-Little Man." Be sure to check the blog often as it is sure to entertain, astonish, and perhaps even repulse you.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Football & Friends


As you already know, I'm getting pretty wound up thinking about football season. My friend Huong, whom I worked with at Doggie Empawrium, is a Kansas City Chiefs Cheerleader for the second season in a row. She sent me a link to her homepage on the Chiefs website that only fueled the flames of my desire... for football season to arrive. Enjoy! http://www.kcchiefs.com/cheerleader/huong/

Monday, August 22, 2005

"Fair" Weather




Who was the wise guy who thought that the Missouri State Fair should be held in mid-August? He couldn't have been from Missouri or else he would have known that it is the hottest time of the year in these parts. I think that "Sedalia" is latin for "the Eternal Fires of Hell". To make it even more miserable, we decided to camp at the fairgrounds for two nights. There is nothing better after a hot day at the blacktop-covered fairgrounds than to attempt to sleep in a tent that more closely resembles a toaster oven than a shelter. During our first night of camping we were forced to zip the windows closed due to the torrential rains that bombarded our campsite, thus searing in our juices as we were cooked alive in our broiling tent. Could it get worse?Did I mention that the campground was downwind from the swine barn? That's right, every 4-H kid in Missouri laughed as the hapless campers gagged from the stench of their prize-winning hogs. Did I mention that the campsite was downhill from the open-sided swine barn that was washed clean from the heavy downpours that we endured throughout the evening? Earlier I sarcastically mentioned that there is nothing better than sleeping in a hot tent after a hot day at the fair. Well there certainly is something much, much worse. Sleeping in a rain- soaked, 130 degree tent downwind and downhill from a river of pig excrement. Oh did I mention that we had three kids under the age of 5 with us? Good times, good times. (The picture is of Alex in a Ferris Wheel about 40 feet in the air. Note the safety latch at the bottom of the door that is unlatched while Alex pushes on the door. Good times.)

Friday, August 19, 2005

The Cure for Depression



Just in case you are feeling down, I have the perfect pick-me-up. Take a kid fishing. Wednesday evening, Alex hooked and landed this bass completely on his own. (And yes, he kissed it good-bye before throwing it back.) We were both pretty proud. Later as our friend Grant was leaving Alex said, "I'm sorry you didn't catch any fish, Grant." And then he gave him a hug. Alex didn't realize that he had just uttered some of the most powerful trash talk in the history of fishing. I couldn't begin to express my sense of pride after that.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Bethany's Wild Ride

My beautiful wife is going to ride 150 miles on a borrowed bicycle to raise money for the fight against MS (Multiple Sclerosis). She has not ridden a bike in ten years but has vowed to complete every grueling mile. She has a website where you can pledge a donation in her name if you are interested. I would donate, but I don't have a job. So its up to you people to help her out. If you don't help, I will e-mail you all everyday to harrass you! Here's the link: https://www.nationalmssociety.org/MOS/personal/default.asp?pa=52695428&pd=MOS0EMS120050910COM

Monday, August 15, 2005

The Voices in my Head


As you may already be aware, I ain't quite right in the head. Is it normal to argue for hours on end with the voices in your head? What is "normal" anyway? Every day I come up with a different idea for what I am going to do with my life once Alex goes to school next year. I thought I could sell cars, or anything else for that matter. I've been told I have a knack for B.S. (That is the #1 key to being a good salesman.) But then I talked myself out of that idea because salespeople are so fake. I want to be able to respect myself in the morning, you know? I thought about going back to college to get a degree in a practical field where I might stand a chance to become gainfully employed. But I talked myself out of that because I just finished paying off my student loans for the seven years that it took to get a philosophy degree. I thought I would like to own a bar. It would need to be unique so it would stand out among the other three or four thousand bars that already exist in Columbia. I thought a place that just sold beer (lots and lots of beers) would be cool. Then I thought that people who don't like beer wouldn't come and I would go out of business. Then I argued to myself that I really wanted to do a beer-only bar because I'm too lazy to learn how to mix all those fru-fru drinks that the college kids are so fond of these days.

So you can see that for every idea I come up with, I find a reason to shoot it down. I am my own worst enemy. Maybe I should quit thinking so much. I think maybe I need a hobby. Lately I have been learning how to play guitar. I thought maybe I could practice for a few months and eventually get a part-time job at a music store where I could get some free lessons and get paid to practice between waiting on customers. Then I tell myself that I'll never remember all those chords and scales and won't be good enough to get in a band. See, there I go again arguing with myself. It ain't easy being me. I invite all of your comments and suggestions to help me choose a career path and quiet the voices in my head before they drive me completely crazy. Just don't be insulted if one of those voices shoots down your idea.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Tailgate Update

Although Grant and I have yet to brew any beer, preparations are underway for Mizzou Tailgate Season. Notice I didn't say "Football" Season. I may go to a game or two, but I may have to get a job to afford to buy a ticket. Non-conference games will cost $30 per ticket. Texas and Iowa State's games will cost $45 each. And in a shocking display of flagrant price-gouging, tickets to see the Nebraska Cornhuskers (a team running as fast as it can from its former glory) cost a ludacris $55 dollars each. The average family of four will shell out $220 for tickets plus at least $30 for snacks, drinks, and souveniers. Who in their right mind would pay $250 to see an amateur sporting event? Who would pay that much to support an athletic program falling apart at the seams?

No, the University didn't kill the young football player who died in practice a month ago, but they did lie about the circumstances of his death and after telling the medical examiner not to be at the press conference, they lied again and said she couldn't be there due to a scheduling conflict. These are just the more recent problems of an athletic department out of control. After the recruiting scandal that the basketball team endured last year, Head Coach Quin Snyder was allowed to keep his job because he claimed ignorance. (I thought the captain of the ship is always responsible for the actions of his crew.) Then he had a losing season, failed to get his team to the Big Dance for the second year in a row and was then told he would not be fired no matter what. Then he encouraged his star player Linus Kleiza to enter the NBA draft and wished him luck. So now, we have a program with no star player, NCAA sanctions limiting recruitment and scholarships, and a head coach who doesn't even try to keep his "student"-atheletes in school. Oh, yeah, I can see why we wouldn't want to fire him!

With both major sports coming off of disappointing seasons, ticket prices going through the roof, new arenas being named for students who attended other schools and cheated their way through college, players dying, players committing rapes, and players leaving for the pros two years early, how can the sorry state of Missouri Athletics be considered anything but a complete and miserable failure? How can they turn things around? By ridding themselves of the one ultimate cause of all that has gone wrong in the past six years. Athletic Director Mike Alden must go! From pushing coaching legend Norm Stewart out the door, to not pushing coaching wash-out Quin Snyder out the same door, Alden has made one blunder after another. He has shown that he has no control over his department and that he has no idea how to fix the problems that plague it. If the captain is responsible for the actions of his crew, then the Board of Curators need not look any farther than the office of the A.D. to find who is to blame for the sad state of affairs that has made the athlectic department the disgrace that it is today.

So, what are we the fans to do? Drink beer in the parking lot while listening to the Tigers on the radio, of course. Home tailgate dates are as follows: 9/10/05 vs. New Mexico, 9/17 vs. Troy, 10/1 vs. Texas, 10/15 vs. Iowa St., 10/22 vs. Nebraska, 11/12 vs. Baylor. Make plans now on joining us in the new parking lot at Reactor Field (south of the Red Cross Blood Donor Center) on Providence. We will be in a Black, 1976 Chevrolet Truck with Mizzou adornments all over it. (Look for a bunch of idiots falling out the back of an old dually truck while drinking home brew!) Hope to see you there!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

August 4th Should be a National Holiday


Three world-changing events have taken place on this date in history. First and foremost, Bethany became my lovely bride on August 4, 1996. Today marks nine years of wedded bliss for us. Per her suggestion, we will be going to dinner and a movie tonight. The mushy, romantic, chick-flick that she picked to watch for her anniversary date this evening? Wedding Crashers! That's right, I can prove that I married the coolest girl in the world because she picks movies with toilet humor, bare breasts, and no sappy love scenes to watch on the anniversary of her surrender to my insanity. Thanks baby!

The second important event that happened on this date was the birth of the greatest race car driver since Richard Petty. I'm speaking of none other than Jeff Gordon. Winner of over 70 races and counting, Jeff has dominated stock car racing since his debut more than a decade ago. He was born in 1971, the same year as myself and Bill "Attica!" Herrin.

The birth of William Lynn Herrin on August 4th, 1971 is one of the most important moments in the history of the world. I shudder to think what the world would be like if Bill hadn't been born. What other 280 lb bald man could sing "Like a Virgin" at Karaoke Night? Who else but Bill could liken his freshly shorn nether-region to a freshly skinned quail's breast? Who else would have agreed to be my roommate in college, knowing full-well what they were getting themselves into?

Clearly, the world is a better place because of the events that have occurred on August 4th. Now we need to come up with a name for our new National Holiday so we can run it through congress and get another paid day off from work (for those of you that have jobs, that is). Happy Anniversary, Baby!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Spam vs The World

I've notice that this blog has a thing for Spam (the meat not the unwanted e-mails), so I've decided to do a weekly feature called Spam vs The World.
This week Spam goes up against the reality queen heiress- Paris Hilton

Spam- can of congealed meatish substance
Paris- has a nice can

Advantage: Paris

Spam- credited with saving the Russian army
Paris- credited with various porn flicks

Advantage: Tie

Spam- has a hit Broadway play named after it "Spamalot" that gets rave reviews
Paris- was in the movie "House of Wax"

Advantage: Spam

Spam- had a mascot named "Spammy the Pig"
Paris- can spell "pig" but not "mascot"

Advantage: Spam


and there you have it in an upset Spam beats Paris Hilton in the first week of Spam vs The World

Score Card:
Spam-1
World-0