Last Post of '05

This is it, blog fans. This is the last post I will write this year. I am tempted to do a "year in review" thing, but that's what the archives or "Previous Bits of Wisdom/Lunacy" section of my blog is for. Instead I will look forward to the events of this weekend. Bethany and I will be in Branson with Grant and Brenda to ring in the New Year in style. We will be staying in a 5-Star resort thanks the the Barnes' time share. It will cost even less than the rates at a "No-Tell Motel" and if we sit thru their one hour sales pitch trying to get us to buy a time share, they'll pay us $50. That will more than pay for one of the three nights we are spending there. As for ringing in the New Year, we will be at the local orphanage reading to blind kids with polio and giving blood and money to the Red Cross. Getting drunk is so 1990. Its high time we did something "for the kids" for a change. Of course we'll get up early on New Year's day and go to church and then volunteer at the Branson area "Washed-Up Country and Western Singers" soup kitchen. It should be a very gratifying New Year's weekend. I hope yours will be just as good. See you in '06!

A Farewell to Hemingway...

Because it was written back in 1929, giving you ample time to read it yourself, I believe I can reveal the ending to Earnest Hemingway's "A Farewell to Arms". The lead character's wife dies after giving birth to their stillborn son. I spent the past week reading this "classic" novel inbetween Holiday get-togethers and other happy occasions only to have it end in a completely depressing manner. There were no happy endings, silver linings, or any other feel-good epilogues. 330 pages of World War I, a love story, and then everybody dies: The End. Well let me tell you, if the world is so in love with Hemingway after all these years, wait'll they get a load of me! You want romance?- I'll give you romance. You want conflict?- my cup is overflowing with conflict. Tragedy?- I got loads of tragedy. But I will do something Papa didn't: I will incorporate all of those elements into my novel, AND find a way to throw the reader a lifeline of hope so that he doesn't want to slash his wrists after reading it. Do I think I am a better writer than Hemingway? No comment. Do I think that the novel I am writing has the potential to be very, very good? You bet. Am I an egomaniac? All writers are. Why else would they bother spending months or years writing a book if they didn't think it was worth everyone's time to read it and love it? Will I win a Pulitzer and make my millions? Yes. Will I autograph your copy of my book? Of course. Stay tuned for updates and progress reports: and if anyone knows a literary agent who would like to make a pretty penny when this book tops the New York Times Bestseller List, then send them my way.

Thank You, Santa Claus

I wasn't planning on blogging today, but since Santa brought me a new high-backed, leather office chair, I thought I might as well sit in it. I also got new shoes, a couple toy cars, and some new P.J.s. Alex got everything Star Wars and was very happy. Bethany got a kitchen makeover. Nonna cooked a fine meal and Blake and Meredith (pictured with Alex) were with us as well. The Old Elf was good to us this year. I hope everyone else had a great holiday, too. I'll return to my usual rude, crude, and socially unacceptable blogging soon. (Don't forget to make your New Year's Resolutions!)

Old Friends

This week I was fortunate enough to spend time with a lot of old friends. Rob, Ned, Jason (The Fat Heads), Troy and Anita, Grant and Brenda, and this weekend Blake, Meredith, Mama, Bethany, and Alex. The best thing about this time of year is being with people you care about.

Saw King Kong with the Fat Heads. We gave it eight thumbs up! Best monster-movie ever made. Should have been rated R, so don't bring the kids.

I doubt I'll get a chance to blog again before Christmas, (I actually have to work on Christmas Eve), so Happy Holidays everbody! I will return to my full speed ahead blogging style after the holidays roll by. Until then, be safe, eat lots, and spend some quality time with old friends.

Its Official

At last my one true ambition in life has been realized: I am a Violent Farmer. Paul formally extended an invitation to me to become a contributor on his blog "I Wrote This When I Was Drunk". Click the link to read my first contribution. Enjoy!

Alex's Letter To Santa (With Daddy's Help)

More Holiday Cheer...

For your desktop wallpaper, another seasonal picture of Big Al and his sister. (Princess has her own website by the way:click here to view it. There is a link to Jake's site on there, too. Enjoy!)

Have a Cool Yule!

I hope everyone's Yuletide is gay. Actually, I don't even know what that means. I think I heard it in a song. Anyway, I thought you would like too see a festive photo of Alex the Elf. Puts you in the Christmas spirit, doesn't it? To try and capitalize on that spirit of giving I thought I would also post a photo of a 1992 Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser that is for sale locally at Mizzou Motors, (573) 657-0001. The car has 117, 000 two-owner miles, a 5.7 liter- 170 horsepower GM V-8, and is in "immaculate" condition. The dealer said the car originally belonged to the wife of Legend Automotive's co-owner Bill James. It was sold at 17,000 miles to a friend of the dealer who has it now. He claims it has been meticulously maintained. Mrs. James missed the car so much that she asked her husband to buy it back a short time after she parted with it, but was unsuccessful. Mizzou Motors, located south of Rockbridge State Park on Route N, has it listed for sale at $3500. I think that is a little high, but not unreasonable. Negotiate a little on the price, swap the wheels and tires for something with some attitude, add limo-tint to the windows and it would be a pretty sweet ride. It doesn't have the 270 horsepower Corvette motor, but since all of you will be pooling your money to buy it for me, I won't get picky about it. Thank you in advance. Merry Christmas!

I Just Gotta Be Me...

After a fair amount of deliberation and libation, I have compiled my list of New Year's Resolutions. I find it is a delicate operation trying to find the balance between "being myself" and "striving to improve myself". I think this list will go a long way toward accomplishing this feat. The items are listed in no particular order:

1. Be myself. I can do a better job of not being self-conscious and worrying about what everyone thinks of me.

2. Have a more positive attitude. I tend to get a little over-dramatic when bad things happen. I need to learn to laugh things off that bother me.

3. Buy a new suit and wear it for no good reason. Even if I only wear it to sit at the desk in my home office, it will be more gratifying than only wearing it at weddings and funerals.

4. Drink full-flavored beer again instead of that watered down stuff with half the calories and taste. Moderation will ensure that my new suit will not have to be altered to fit around a beer-gut.

5. Be honest and fair while controlling my temper. This relates to my tendency to avoid and suppress my feelings until I inevitably explode in a fit of misdirected rage.

6. Become more spiritual, not necessarily religious. I would like to learn about several different religions and spiritual sects such as Buddhism, Taoism, Christianity and Islam. Then I can present them to Alex and let him decide which he prefers.

7. Take Alex on a weekly adventure. Plan fun stuff that we will both enjoy and then blog about it to share with our fans.

8. Write a novel and have it published. I have a good start on this one already. I have a 30 chapter outline and have completed the first two chapters so far.

9. Perform one altruistic act per week and share it with my blogging faithful. Maybe I can inspire other people to do good deeds in the process.

10. Save up to buy a hot rod family cruiser. Maybe the royalties from my first book will cover it. (Of course its not too late for everyone I know to pool their money and buy me that bitchin' wagon I blogged about recently. There are only ten more shopping days till Christmas, so get it together people!)

There you have it. Ten things I can do to make 2006 "The Year of Travis!" It will be hard to top '05, but the fun will be in trying...

Social Butterflies

It was a busy weekend for your favorite blogger and family. Saturday we managed to put lights on the Christmas tree, attend the MU basketball game, and go to two parties. Who says old married people don't have as much fun? The tree is beautiful, we had free tickets in the second row of seats- dead center court while cheering the Tigers on to victory, and had a rip-roarin' good time at both parties. Then we went to St. Louis on Sunday to visit Bethany's Grandma. So, I didn't have time to blog. I don't really have time right now, either. I will devote my undivided attention to the task as soon as possible to ensure that you, the readers, are getting your money's worth. How busy would I be if I had a job?...

Karma

A while back, my Mom was awakened by a loud "crack" in the night. She searched her home for something that may have fallen and made the noise. Nothing. A week or so later she was cleaning the spare bedroom when she discovered the floor had collapsed along the exterior wall. A two-inch gap ran the length of the room and the drywall around the window and in the corners of the room was cracked. She peered into the abyss and was able to see clearly into the crawlspace under the house. She immediately alerted her landlady who said she would send someone over to look at it.

A few days later a "repairman" came over to assess the damage while Mom was at work. The landlady called Mom to say that her man believed he could fix the problem by placing a sheet of tar-paper over the crevice. Mom tried in vain to explain to the landlady (Ann) that the house was falling in on itself and needed more than a bandaid to cover up the problem. Mom asked Ann to simply come see for herself, but Ann said she trusted her handyman's opinion. Sure enough, the man crawled under the house and began his patchwork. In the process, he knocked over a curio of antique family heirlooms and elephants that Mom collected over the years, breaking many of them. Also, the crack spread into the living room, running nearly the full length of the house. The siding began to pop off of the exterior of the house as well. Mom called Ann to complain and to say that if she would just come see the damage for herself, she would know the true nature of the house's condition, which Mom deemed unsafe. Again Ann refused, saying she was too busy.

Too busy to walk 20 feet from her house to Mom's? That's right. Ann lived next door and still refused to look at the damage herself, denying that it was a big deal. So Mom looked for other housing. She found a neat place in the country with a fenced yard for her dog and some privacy for her. She needed her security deposit by move-in day or else they would rent it to someone else. So Mom told Ann that in two weeks she would be moving and that she would need her deposit back so she could apply it toward the new place. Ann refused, saying that she needed 30 days notice, that two-weeks wasn't enough. Mom lost out on the new place and began her house search anew. With three days to go until moving day, she still had not found a place to go. Ann asked, "Why did you put in your notice, then?" Mom told her it was because Ann's insistence on having 30 days notice already cost her one house, and that she didn't want that to happen again. Ann conceded that she may have made a mistake not letting Mom move early. To Mom, the admission was too little- too late.

Luckily, Mom found a place with only one day to go before moving day and she likes it very much. She has driven by the old house occasionally to see if its been fixed or rented out to some other unsuspecting soul. Today on her lunchbreak, Mom was doing a drive-by when she saw that alas, the house was gone. Wiped from the face of the earth. She guessed that a sheet of tar-paper proved to be slightly inadequate for fixing a house falling in on itself. Maybe Ann decided to take a look afterall. Some call it Karma. Mom calls it sweet justice.

The End.

First Snow

"Don't eat the yellow snow!"

Landmark Day

Today marks a milestone in my blogging career. The post you are reading is my 100th since starting this site in April. What a long, strange trip its been.

I also cashed my first paycheck in six months. Bethany actually let me keep the money. Looks like I can give her a Christmas present without a receipt attached this year!

And I checked-out my first grown-up book with my new library card (the Star Wars book didn't count, although it was pretty awesome). I borrowed "Truman Capote the Complete Collection" which is all of his short stories.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. I received my FOURTH Victoria's Secret Catalog this month. And my wife practically forced me to watch the Victoria's Secret fashion show on TV last night. I must have been a good boy this year. Thanks again, Santa.

So as you can see, it was a big day for Blog Daddy. That gives me an idea for a New Year's resolution. I could resolve to make each Wednesday in '06 a day to remember. I could try to out do whatever I did the previous Wednesday. Who knows what kinds of things I will have to do by the end of the year to out do myself. I would of course blog about it to inspire my legions of followers to live it up in the coming year. I am working on other ideas for special days, too. A blog that I found that is written by someone called "The Bored Housewife" has a regular feature on it called "Bra-less Tuesdays". She even includes photos. I won't go with that exact approach, but my point is that for each day of the week I can have a theme on my blog. As always, I will entertain your suggestions.

Paul and the Violent Farmers New #1 Hit

I am one step closer to becoming an official Violent Farmer. Paul has written a song based on input from his blogging faithful and posted it on his blog http://iwrotethiswheniwasdrunk.blogspot.com/. I contributed a verse as did many other twisted yet talented people. All I ask for is a T-shirt and backstage passes when he hits the bigtime. Check out his site, it is worth your time. (WARNING: Paul's Blog is NOT intended for those who are easily offended. If you are easily offended...then by all means PLEASE read his blog. He and I will both find that very funny.)

Dear Santa,

First of all, thank you for the three Victoria's Secret Catalogs you have already sent me this holiday season. They have really helped to get me in the Christmas spirit. Thank you in advance for the Victoria's Secret T.V. special set to air tomorrow night on CBS. I almost feel greedy asking you for anything else for Christmas, but what the Hell! I would like a 1996 Chevrolet Caprice Classic stationwagon with the optional 5.7 liter LT1 Corvette engine. I am a family guy, so it would be good to have a nice family car. That particular car has a fold down third row of seating and gets over 20 miles per gallon- so its quite practical. Of course it would be nice if it had some personalized touches. Tinted windows, low-profile tires on some bling-bling rims, a kickin' stereo, grumbly dual exhaust, a bitchin' paint job and fuzzy dice would be cool. Also, I would like world peace.

Thanks,
Travis Naughton

Like Butter...

I am on a roll. Between this blog and those of Paul, Roger, The Columbia Tribune, and Tony Messenger I have been hammering away at this keyboard at a fever pace. I have been published on the Tribune's blog three times in addition to the countless times on those of my friends. This post is the 96th time I have published to my blog since its inception in April. In that time period I have also written a few verbose e-mails to people that have had a degree of literary value as well. A couple of years ago I actually got paid for writing a few articles for the Jefferson City and Columbia Business Times. Business reporting wasn't my thing, but I did well enough that the editor continued to offer me assignments months after I officially resigned my position. Although being a blogger is not quite the same as being a professional writer, it has helped me find my voice. Maybe it has allowed me to find my calling. Could I make a living as a writer? Sure The Business Times paid me $50 to write an assigned story or two, but would people be willing to pay to read what I want to write? Dave Barry, Irma Bombeck, and Mary Roach have been pretty successful doing their own thing. So what about me? I think I will start exploring my options in the New Year. I might make it one of my Resolutions to earn an income as a writer. As always I seek input from my supporters. If you have ideas, suggestions, advice, or professional contacts, please pass them along. Right now I have a book idea that I am exploring if anyone knows a publisher who appreciates a warped mind like mine...

Do Tigers Have Antlers?

I periodically check the blog of Tony Messenger, a Columbia Tribune contributor whose right-wing tirades are usually good for a laugh. Recently he wrote a critique of the antics of Mizzou's unofficial cheerleaders the "Antlers". The comments he received were very lively and I added my two cents. Here is the link to the discussion: http://www.lenejohansen.com/tonymessenger/archives/2005/11/an_antlerssportsmanship_rant.html

Enjoy!