Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Old Wives Tale?


Have you ever heard that a goat will eat anything? Ever wonder if that's really true? Well, yesterday our goat Ferdie bit off the end of Alex's T-Rex toy. Since the toy was rubber, he just sat there and chewed it like bubble gum. Yummy. Last week I caught him nibbling on a strand of Christmas lights we left hanging on the back deck. I shooed him away and then noticed he was chewing on something crunchy. I checked the strand and sure enough- he was enjoying a delicious, mouth watering light bulb. I tried to get it away from him, but he wouldn't open his mouth. He just stood there and kept right on crunching away until he swallowed the whole thing: glass, wire, and plastic. He seemed unharmed and quite satisfied. There's never a dull moment here at the Hartsburg Funny Farm.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Reality Check Part 2

Remember that job that I applied for a couple weeks ago that I was just sure NOBODY on earth was more qualified for? Judging by the lack of a response to my resume or my follow-up voicemail, I would say that I was wrong. Oh well, I wasn't ready to start working again anytime soon.

Alex is signed up to do his Kindergarten screening on March 16. Our "Parents as Teachers" gal that comes to the house periodically will be the one administering the test. She already had him do a practice test a year ago and he did better than ANY of the kids who were starting school at that time. Last night as he snored in our bed and kneed me in the back and kicked off my covers it hit me how little time I have left at home with him. So today we played outside for a couple hours then we went to town and played at Cosmo Park. Then we bought some new fish for our aquarium. It was a good day. I savored every moment. Tomorrow we are going fishing again and who knows what else. Gotta enjoy this time while I can. Reality is coming fast.

Friday, February 24, 2006

How to Salvage a Seemingly Crappy Day

This is a long post, but it should be worth your time to read it.

8:15 am- Woke up. Fed critters and Alex. Got cleaned up and dressed.

9:05 am- Left for Jeff City to meet Bethany.

9:35 am- Picked Bethany up at work and drove to Mid America Labs.

9:50 am- While family waited in the car, went in to lab.

9:51 am- Rang bell for service. Friendly female lab tech asks, "Can I help you?" Such an innocent question. If only she knew what I was there to do.

"I'm here for a semenanalysis."

"OH. Do you have it with you?" Again with the loaded questions.

"No. I need to do it here."

"OH. How far away do you live?" You're killing me with the questions.

"More than a half hour away. My doctor says he wants... a fresher sample." There were no more secrets between us now. The tech and I painfully understood the situation. I couldn't bring a sample in with me because of the time it would take to get it to the lab. The lab had no special, private area in which to complete the task while maintaining some tiny portion of my dignity.

"Where do you want to do it?" Why are you doing this to me?

"I used an exam room the last time."

"OH, ok. Follow me." I followed her back into the labyrinth of the lab. "Wait here." I did.

Then I heard whispering between the tech and another woman. I imagined the converstion went something like this:

"Betty, there is a gentleman here who needs to use a room to submit a sperm sample."

"Dear God! Here?! Oh, he must be mortified."

"He is remarkably calm actually. But I am deeply embarrassed for him. Can he use an exam room?"

"Sure, let's go find him one." Now I was being led to a room by two women who know exactly what I would be doing once the door was closed.

"Oh my. This room is freezing. I hope you are warm natured," the second woman offered. As if it mattered. I suppose she thought that it would make me uncomfortable to be cold while my pants were around my ankles. The task before me would suffice for making me suitably uncomfortable.

"This will be fine," I assured her. She smiled unnaturally while the first woman offered me a sterile cup.

"Just come find me when you're finished and bring it to me." Great, I get to wander around this maze with it in my hand while looking for a strange woman. Can you say stalker?

I'll spare you the details of what transpired next. To paint a mental picture of the ambiance, imagine this taking place in an ob-gyn exam room with all of its wonderful pictures of fetuses and what-not and all the while I could hear the ladies talking to each other outside my door. Not exactly a relaxing situation. Then the male ego kicked in. I thought, these women will know exactly how long this activity took to complete. How long should it last under these circumstances? If it lasts too long, they may think something is wrong and come knocking on the door at a most inopportune time. If it doesn't last long enough, they may think that I'm a little quick on the draw, or worse: that I actually enjoyed doing it in their office! Such thoughts did nothing to help ease the tension.

10:05 am- Found the tech in a loud room. She didn't see me come in. I blurted out, "All done!" She jumped like a cartoon cat being scared by a dog.

"Oh my goodness! You surprised me." With my speed, duration, or voice?

"Sorry about that. Anyway, I guess I need to pay for the tests. Is there a receptionist?"

"Not today. You can pay me." I handed her the cup and she handed me a pen to write the check. I felt so dirty I could barely look her in the eye. As I filled out the check, a centrifuge rattled a collection of vials filled with god knows what off of the table sending them crashing to the floor beside me. I was relieved that my sample was not among those lost in the disaster. "Don't touch it," she said. "Its glass." Yeah, that is what I was worried would come into contact with my skin. "Ok, you're all set," she said as I handed her the check. I explained that my wife would be coming by to pick up the results and I wished her a good day.

10:10 am- Took Bethany back to work. Grumbled under my breath about my experince in the lab. Detected a hint of sympathy.

10:30 am- Took Alex to Runge Nature Center in Jeff City. Got to look at all sorts of fish, reptiles, and other critters both living and stuffed. A nice lady at the info desk (who thankfully had no idea what I had done just minutes earlier in her beloved hometown) spilled a couple dozen magazines and handouts pertaining to Missouri wildlife all over the floor. Alex noticed and asked me, "Do you think we should help her clean it up?" I was very proud and said yes, that would be a nice thing to do. The lady was so impressed with his helpfulness that she gave us one of every publication she had. They chatted about animals and wished each other a good day.

11:00 am- Walked on hiking trails around the center and had a great time exploring nature. Alex spotted some scat, some fur, and some tracks. He loves to explore.

12:30 pm- Came home. Had lunch. Took a long nap.

3:30 pm- Alex and I walked over to the neighbor's pond and went fishin'.

4:00 pm- Caught my first fish of the year. A two pound bass with a fat belly probably full of eggs. Alex gave her a hug and I gave her a kiss and threw her back. We went home smelling like fish, the true sign of a successful fishing outing.

6:30 pm- Bethany came home and told me my lab results. They were normal! Third try was a charm I guess. I'll talk to a doctor about the findings and we'll try to figure out how to "close the deal."

6:34 pm- As I sit here and reflect on my day I realize how lucky I am to have the family that I do. No, the events of this morning and the other tests I have undergone were not fun. But when I get to spend the day outdoors with my son doing the things that we both love, it reminds me of why I'm going through all these hassles in the first place. If after all is said and done we eventually do have another child, it will all have been worth it.

And that's how I turned my crappy day into a good one.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Reality Check

Part One:

I'm going to get right to the point. I applied for a job. Yep. Me. It is a sales rep position for an organic pet food company. It draws on my combined experiences of selling to businesses over the phone (calling car dealerships and trying to get them to use the services at the car auction I worked for) and selling high-quality pet foods (which I did at Doggie Empawrium). I didn't want to start looking for work yet, but it seemed like a natural match for my qualifications. So much for the "Second Summer of Travis".

Part Two:

In just a few moments, we are going to the SoBoCo Primary School to sign Alex up for Kindergarten screening. They are going to schedule his screening for sometime in the next few weeks. Then, he will be a ward of the state and I will be stripped of my parental responsibilities. I will leave the school district in charge of raising him while I move on to a paying, if not satisfying, career as a salesman.

Part Three:

I agreed in principle to buying a minivan for Bethany. Our cars are not big enough to haul a kid, a couple of dogs, and any additional passengers and luggage we may have. The stationwagon dream has been shelved, as have the remainder of my hopes and aspirations. I won't be driving the soccer-mom-mobile, but just having my name on the title makes me guilty by association.

And I always thought that "Reality" was just a format for TV shows.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Don't Blame Me...

I voted for Al Gore and John Kerry. Dubya has dropped the ball more times than a Mizzou point guard and has lied more times than Mike Alden. Now he has taken his ineptitude to a whole new level.

This week, Dubya publicly stated that he approved a deal authorizing a British company that owns and operates six of the largest seaports in America to sell their holdings to a company called Dubai Ports that is owned by the government of the United Arab Emirates. That's right- he gave his blessing to a deal that will allow a Middle East government to control the biggest security hotspots in our country! Is this what he calls Homeland Security? Two of the 9/11 hijackers were from the UAE (the rest were from Saudi Arabia whose royal family is close friends with the Bush family as we already know). Also, a Pakistani scientist claims that Iran, North Korea, and Libya have smuggled nuclear components through the UAE.

Both Democrats and Republicans are outraged at Bush for approving a deal that could threaten our national security without consulting with congress first. Congress has promised to pass a bill halting the transaction until more research can be done to ensure every necessary safety measure is in place. Bush further infuriated congressional leaders including the chair of the Homeland Security Committee (who happens to be a Republican) by threatening to veto any such bill. He's never vetoed anything in his entire career, yet he wants to make a stand now? Over this? And now for the really good part: After being bombarded by backlash from this deal and veto threat, Bush now contends- are you ready for this?- that he was completely unaware of the ports deal until it had already been approved by his administration! You read that right. He claims he had no knowledge of a deal that a majority of Americans consider a threat to national security until his administration told him it was already done. And he still supports it!

Why would he adamantly defend his decision to make this deal one day and then deny having made the decision the next? Why would he suddenly shift the responsibility to his administration? Could it be because the public has found out that David Sanborn, who was appointed to be the new administrator of the Maritime Administration of the Transportation Department just one month ago, was Dubai Ports World's director of operations for Europe and Latin America? That's correct, Sanborn ran the United Arab Emirates' seaport operations in much of the Atlantic, and now he has a top level position within the Bush administration. The same administration that Bush claims approved the deal to for the UAE to buy the six major ports. The same administration that denies that Sanborn had anything to do with negotions involved in the deal. As Scott McClellon said, "(Sanborn) has assured us that he was not involved in the negotiations." Gee, I believe him, don't you?

So basically, the Bush administration appointed a man who worked for the UAE's Dubai Ports group to be in charge of the United States' Maritime Administration which oversees security at our seaports after he brokered the deal for the UAE to purchase six of our busiest Atlantic seaports. I can see why Dubya is denying that he had any knowledge of the deal prior to its completion. Clearly he is lying, but as stupid as he is, he may have a strong defense by claiming to be suffering from "diminished capacity" when we eventually put him on trial for undermining our national security. He can't plead insanity, however anyone who voted for him (especially after his first four miserable years) can because they must be crazy.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Athletes are NOT Heroes

In our idol worshipping society, people often confuse celebrity with heroism. In the case of sports, it is too easy to call our favorite athletes our heroes. At best, they are role models, at worst they are not worthy of their fame.

Ricky Williams, the Heisman Trophy winning running back for the Miami Dolphins, tested positve for drugs this week for the FOURTH time in his brief career. He faces a one year ban from football.

Tony Stewart, defending NASCAR Nextel Cup Champion, bragged about purposely trying to wreck fellow driver Matt Kenseth while going 190 MPH during the Daytona 500 just days after whining to NASCAR officials about needing to crack down on aggressive drivers who were "going to get somebody killed soon."

Bode Miller, overhyped olympic skier who admitted skiing drunk on occasion, has failed to medal in any of the four events he was favored to win in Torino, Italy.

When I was a kid, my heroes included O.J. Simpson, Pete Rose, and Richard Petty. One is a murderer, one is banned from baseball for life, and the last has become a true hero only after retiring from driving his race car. Richard Petty, along with his son Kyle and Kyle's wife Patti created the Victory Junction Gang Camp in memory of Kyle and Patti's son Adam who died in a crash during practice for a race. The Camp was built as a retreat for kids with serious illnesses. It even has a medical center. Kids get to attend the camp for free (including medical care.) Most of the drivers in NASCAR have contributed in one way or another to help the kids and the camp. Richard Petty, the King of NASCAR donated 40 acres of land and untold sums of money and hard work toward building the camp. Despite their unimaginable loss, Kyle and Patti have created a lot of positives as a result of a terrible tragedy. That's heroism.

Do the world a favor, teach your children that doctors, teachers, and firefighters are heroes, not superstar athletes who lack a sense of responsibility for their actions because of their skewed perception of reality created in part by their fans' misplaced admiration. With the exception of what athletes do outside of their sport to make the world a better place, very few qualify as heroes based on what they do for a living, no matter how well they do it.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

The Greatest Week in Professional Sports


Gentlemen- START YOUR ENGINES!!!! That's right, kids. It's Speedweeks at Daytona International Speedway. The greatest spectacle in all of sports takes place this week- the Daytona 500. Not only that, but last Sunday was the Bud Shootout (a race designed simply for glory and cash-no championship points at stake), today will feature the Gatorade Duel for Daytona (two 150 mile races designed to decide the starting order for the 500), tomorrow will feature the Craftsman Truck Series race (where guys will reach 190 mph in pickups), Saturday will feature the Busch Series race (which will showcase the up and coming drivers in NASCAR and some of the superstars who will be in the 500 as well), and Sunday will of course be the Great American Race- the Daytona 500.

Wow! I'm exhausted just typing about all that is going on this week. "What's the big deal?" some of you non-race fans may be asking. The 500 is NASCAR's most revered race. Some people equate it to football's superbowl. That's not accurate, though. In the superbowl only two of the league's 32 teams compete. In NASCAR, 43 of the best teams in automobile racing compete head-to-head. So it could be more accurately compared to the Pro Bowl where only all-stars compete, except in racing, the event is not an exibition- it counts. Winning that trophy is the Holy Grail of racing.

Columbia's own Carl Edwards made a huge impact on the sport last year by winning races on both the Busch Series and the Nextel Cup series. He finished third in championship points in BOTH series at the end of the year. I watched "Crazy Carl" race on the dirt track outside of Jeff City a few years ago and knew then he was special. He did his trademark backflip off his car after winning races back then, and still does it these days after beating up on the big boys. So far, success hasn't ruined him. I saw him a month ago at Walmart in Columbia hanging out with his girlfriend Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard on a Saturday night. How many superstar millionaires do you know of who would still rub elbows with the commoners like that? I'll be pulling for Carl this weekend.

So grab ya a case o' beer, put some new batteries in the remote, and plant your butt in front of the TV this weekend while you enjoy the Greatest Spectacle in Professional Sports. I know I will.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The Case for a New Athletic Director

1. Mike Alden forced Norm Stewart to resign. They called it retirement, but Norm knew he had to step down or suffer the humiliation of being fired.

2. Alden hired a 32 year old man with NO prior head coaching experience to take over for a legend who had coached Mizzou during every year Quin Snyder had been on earth.

3. Alden fired football coach Larry Smith who in five years had taken the Tigers to two bowl games and their first bowl win in nearly 20 years.

4. After the basketball team was citied with dozens of NCAA violations, Alden fired the assistant coaches and spared Quin Snyder whom he said was not aware of what his assistants were doing. Yeah, right. The allegations came to light through recorded phone conversations from jail between a player named Rickey Clemens and the univeristy president's wife!

5. Rickey Clemens was recruited by Mizzou (including Quin Snyder and Mike Alden). Clemons passed 30 hours of college credits at three different schools in one summer in order to become eligible to transfer to Mizzou. The athletic department NEVER questioned how a "D" student was able to pull off this feat.

6. The athletic department and system president Elson Floyd allowed Clemons to violate his parole for assaulting his girlfriend by inviting him to Floyd's home to attend a party. While there, Clemens crashed Floyd's ATV and landed in the hospital and then back in jail.

7. After football player Aaron O'Neal died following a workout that took place less than two blocks from University hospital, the athletic department told the medical examiner NOT to attend the ensuing press conference that detailed O'Neal's death. The M.E. was previously asked to attend and then later told not to. At the press conference, the athletic department told reporters the M.E. couldn't make it due to a scheduling conflict. Why didn't they want her there?

8. Alden sent Gary Link, a radio commentator to tell Snyder he would be fired at the end of the season. Snyder says he was told that the system president, the chancellor, and the curators all agreed on this decision. He claims they gave him the option of resigning to prevent him from having to be fired. He had nothing to gain by making this story up. I believe him.

9. President Floyd, the curators, and Alden howaever, all deny that Link was told to tell Snyder these things. Floyd has ordered an investigation into what the truth is about how Snyder's dismissal was handled. I believe Alden directed Link to talk to Snyder without informing his superiors first. He didn't have the guts to talk to Quin himself and then he lied about sending the radio color-guy to do his dirty work for him. That's classy.

10. Alden has repeatedly failed to use good judgment while leading the athletic department. Sure some non-revenue generating sports are doing well. The football team did win a bowl game, although we'll have to see how they are WITHOUT the greatest player in Mizzou history next season. Yes, Alden got the new arena funded and built. However his failure to hold Quin accountable during the NCAA violations scandal, his attempt to bury the truth about O'Neal's death, and his underhanded way of dealing with the not-so-glamorous side of being in charge has put the nail in the coffin of his time here at Mizzou.

It is time for a fresh start. Alden should take the job at Georgia Tech that he denies having interest in. Norm "Mr. Mizzou" Stewart should take over as A.D. (Hey, Dan Devine did it and he was 120 years old.) Then Norm should bring in his buddy Bob Knight to help restore the University to its once proud image. Remember, Mizzou has been to Orange Bowls, beat Notre Dame in football, gone undefeated in Big 8 basketball, been a heartbeat away from the Final Four, had a hoops coach who racked up about 800 wins, won the college world series, etc. We need someone with character and copious amounts of school spirit to bring Mizzou back to glory. We don't need a morally questionable A.D. who is only good at raising money. (He's even better at spending it. The athletic budget has tripled since his arrival.)

That's my last rant about Mizzou for a while. I needed to get it out of my system. Feel free to get your two cents worth in, too.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Proof that Walmart Owns Mizzou


As if it weren't already obvious that the Walton family (including the Lauries and Kroenkes) owns half the town of Columbia including three existing Walmarts while ground is being broken to build a second and third Walmart Supercenter, they have proven that they also own the Mizzou athletic department. After paying $25 million to build the Paige Sports Arena for MU, the Laurie family was naturally upset when they were forced to relinquish the naming rights to the new complex after learning that their daughter, whom the arena was named after, cheated her way through college. Spencer Laurie, another heir to the Walmart fortune, played ball for the Tigers during the same time period. Oh yeah, Josh Kroenke, another heir to Sam Walton's billions did too. Now we have conclusive photographic evidence to show that even though Quin Snyder is not on the MU payroll anymore, he is still working for the Waltons.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

"Nothing personal, Quin."

Well, it finally happened. MU basketball coach Quin Snyder resigned yesterday. Jay Bilas of ESPN who is a friend and former teammate of Quin's reported that the University informed Quin on Thursday evening that he would not coach the team following this season. Bilas said that it's a sad situation, that Quin had taken the team to the post-season six straight years including an appearance in the Elite 8 of the NCAAs. Quin told his players that he was stepping down partially as a result of the way he has been treated by the media and the fans.

The TV stations in Columbia have NEVER said a cross word about Snyder. Chris Gervino, the sports anchor of the local NBC station was Snyder's co-host of the Quin Snyder Show every week. Gervino routinely lobbed softballs to Quin during times of NCAA violations and the Rickey Clemons scandal and after each bitterly disappointing loss. The rest of the sports reporters in Columbia showed Quin the same respect. Editorials in the newspaper are OPINION written by fans who have every right to voice their frustration with a program going down the drain. For Quin to blame the media and fans for "forcing" his decision is pathetic.

And Bilas was right, the Tigers did go to the post-season in each of Quin's first six seasons. The first four years were teams with Norm Stewart's recruits. During the fifth and sixth seasons, the Tigers did NOT get an invite to the coveted NCAA tournament, instead they settled for bids to the NIT, which is for teams not good enough to be in the Big Dance. The tigers LOST first round home games in each of those two seasons. In this, his seventh season, Quin has compiled a losing record so abysmal that even an invite to the lowly NIT seems impossible.

Its nothing personal, Quin. You have taken a successful program and buried it in NCAA scandals and two straight losing seasons. It isn't personal that the people who support the Tigers no longer support you. Don't make it personal by blaming it on us. I wish you the very best in life and hope that you find true happiness wherever you go. It just wasn't meant to be.

P.S. As for those Bobby Knight rumors: Two people interviewed on the local news yesterday said they've heard that Knight is interested in coming to Columbia. Another person blogging on the St. Louis Post-Dispatch website said he heard that Knight purchased land in Boone County recently. (That's the third time I've heard that.) Oh yeah, Knight's contract at Texas Tech is up at the end of this season.

Friday, February 10, 2006

The King and the Play-Doh Castle


By Alexander Naughton, age five:

In a far away land there lived a brave king in a big Play-Doh castle. His name was King Albert. He had a good life in that castle. A very, very good life. One day, a prince came and said to the king, "How is your life? How have you been? I want to take over your kingdom. And you should find some other kingdom! So, OUT, OUT, OUT!"

The king said, "You can't do that. You don't even know who I am!"

The prince said, "OK then. I'll fight you for it."

"Alrighty then. Let's see what you got! If you win you can keep the castle. If you lose then I keep the castle."

Then they started fighting with their swords. They had a fearless fight. Everyone else had fears except the king and prince. They were standing on a really narrow bridge. The prince slipped and the king caught him. The prince didn't really slip he was just trying to make the king be worried and fall. But the king figured out it was a trick and he made all his knights come and arrest the prince. They put him in the dungeon and they lived happily ever after.

The End.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Here I Go Again

For those of you who enjoy some spirited political discourse, click on the link to my friend Roger's blog to the right of this page. I got my two cents in, and it felt pretty good. Feel free to chime in yourselves, Roger would love it.

Also I was going to start in on those Tigers again, but it wouldn't be right to kick them while they're down after losing to last place Baylor who was 1-6 going into tonight's game. It wouldn't be right to call for Coach Q's firing after his feelings were already hurt by those mean ol' Bears. I wouldn't dream of publicly saying this is the worst Tiger team I have seen in my lifetime. Who could point out that the only time Norm Stewart lost this many games in a row he still managed to rally his 1992-'93 team to a huge upset win of the Big 8 tournement and a decent showing in the NCAAs? It would be tacky if I pointed out that Quin has lost the ability to lead and that his players have lost the will to follow. I wouldn't dream of saying that if Mike Alden doesn't fire Quin the day our season officially ends, that he too should be run out of town. I wouldn't say any of these things because I'm sure that Quin and Mike are a couple of decent people who deserve more patience on the part of the fans. I should be patient while I pay too much money for tickets to crappy games where I have to park a mile away from the arena or else shell out hundreds if not thousands of dollars for parking passes. I should gladly give it another year since Quin has said for the past three years, "We're a young team. We have a lot of positives. We're definately getting better." I won't say anything negative about a program that committed several recruiting and academic violations in order to win. Oh that's right- they didn't win. They can't even cheat right! No, I think I better keep my mouth shut this time. I'll just say, "Good luck Tigers! Better luck next year!"

Monday, February 06, 2006

The Rumor Mill

Facts: Quin Snyder is buckling under the post-Norm pressure. He had some success with Norm's leftover players early in his tenure, but has failed to get into the NCAA's two straight years. Now his Tigers are in 11th place in the Big 12 after losing five straight games.

Athletic director Mike Alden has been under fire for tacitly approving of the basketball team's NCAA violations by not firing Quin then. (How can a head coach keep his job by saying he didn't know his assistants were breaking the rules? Where is the accountability?) Alden is also responsible for skyrocketing ticket prices, reduced parking for sporting events, and forcing out Norm Stewart in favor of an unproven Quin Snyder.

Rumors: Bobby Knight is looking for real estate in the Columbia area. (I have heard this from two different sources.) Bobby and Norm are good friends. Mike Alden will be fired and replaced by Norm Stewart as A.D. Norm will fire Quin Snyder and replace him with Bobby Knight. Knight has a nasty reputation, but not for having consecutive losing seasons, recruiting violations, low graduation rates, and buck-passing. Could the General be coming to Mizzou?

Friday, February 03, 2006

Dubya Sets Sights on Real Enemy

Washington D.C. (AP)- In his annual Groundhog Day address Thursday evening (an event most Americans missed because they were watching The O.C.) President Bush identified "red-blooded 'Mercans" as the biggest threat to the United States. "In a capitalist society, there is nothing that is free. Therefore we must do everything we can to stop the radical elements in this country who believe in the right to free speech." The President went on to say that people who have lost sons in Iraq do not have a right to wear an anti-war t-shirt to the State of the Union Address, even if they had an official invitation from a member of Congress to attend. He also said reporters who refused to reveal their sources for stories about CIA operatives (sources that were from inside the Administration) should be sent to prison. Concerned that Donald Rumsfeld's feelings were hurt, the President condemned the Washington Post for printing an anti-war political cartoon depicting Rummy as insensitive to the plight of American troops being butchered in the streets of Baghdad. "Cartoonists anywhere are a threat to freedom everywhere."

"It's the fault of the 'Liberal Media' that we are perceived as losing this war against terror today," the President continued. "If we could make Fox News the official news media outlet in this country, we could make all Americans agree with our policies and believe whatever Karl Rove wants them believe. In a society where the media is free to print stories about illegal wire tapping, no one is free. The terrorists will know that we're listening to them and they'll stop using the phone. Then how will we know what they're doing? The solution is to stop investigative jounalism, before it gets us all killed." Republican members of Congress stood and applauded the President 84 times during his address last evening, a new record for a speech with only 87 words. "The American people have spoken by electing this Congress. This Congress has spoken by agreeing unconditionally with whatever the President says. Therefore the American people support the President's policies 100%," Vice-President Dick Cheney proclaimed.

"I have a dream today," the President concluded, "That one day our children will be judged not by the content of their character, but by whether or not they speak out against their government. I have a dream! I have a dream that all Americans: Methodists and Baptists, Texans and Caucasions will live side by side in perfect harmony. I have a dream today! I have a dream that one day Liberal dissenters will go the way of the terrorists that they support. I have a dream! A dream that one day we can all say that without the exercise of free speech we will all be Free at Last! Free at Last! Thank God and Donald Rumsfeld we are Free at Last!