Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Here We Go Again

Why can't we find a daycare where we can drop off our son and not worry about him:

a. smearing dog shit all over himself while the supervisor was supposedly watching the kids.(Happened when he was two.)

b. being left at a house with up to 20 kids with an unlicensed supervisor while the licensed one worked as a waitress 30 miles away in Boonville. (Happened at same place as previous incident.)

c. getting bit by another boy who was subsequently punished by being forced to drink tabasco sauce at the age of three. (Happened at a church-run daycare!)

d. being indoctrinated and forced to pray for an hour each morning although no mention was ever made in advance by the director that theirs was a religious daycare (Happened less than a month ago).

e. being shot to death. Although he hasn't been shot yet, Alex's new friend at daycare whose Mommy runs the state licensed, in-home center, took him to a room where the kids aren't allowed and showed him his dad's guns. They were locked in a glass-front gun case. When I confronted the woman about this startling revalation, she said the kids never go in that room. I asked Alex in front of her if he went in the room and he said yes. She said he probably meant that he peeked into the room, but that he couldn't have been in it because of the baby gate! Alex climbs 20' into trees. I doubt a 3' baby gate will stop him. He showed us where he and his friend stood in front of the case and admired the weapons. His teacher assured me that the case is always locked, the key well hidden, her son knows not to mess with it, and it was just a fluke that they got into the room. So I told her about another fluke:

My 13 year old brother Taylor had a best friend who was shot to death by his 9 year old brother a few weeks ago. Their father was a sheriff's deputy who accidentally forgot to lock up his police-issued revolver. A law enforcement officer who probably arrested dozens of people on various weapons charges, was always careful to lock up his weapons at home, and educated his sons about gun safety somehow ended up with one dead child and another scarred for life. I explained to Alex's teacher that this was just a fluke, too.

She promised that the kids will no longer have access to the bedroom through which the boys ventured to get to the gun room. She promised to talk to her son about going in there and showing his friends his dad's guns. She apologized. She explained that the state allows licensed daycares in homes to have guns in them if they are locked and the room made off-limits. Somehow, I don't feel much better despite her assurances. I told her that I would be shocked if I went to a licensed daycare center that was not in someone's home, but instead in a commercial setting, and found guns in the building. I don't think there should be guns in a licensed daycare center- even if its in someone's home. I told her that guns and kids don't mix. What's next? Guns in kindergarten? Could you imagine finding a glass-front gun case proudly displaying a dozen or so instruments of death in your child's classroom? No? Well, imagine finding one in your child's daycare center...

Why did I go back to work?

Saturday, May 27, 2006

A Guy Walks Into My Store...

After the man takes a quick look around the store he asks, "You don't sell geckos?"

"No we don't sell animals here."

"Do you know who does?"

(I told him how to get to the nearest pet store.)

"Well, I was driving by and I saw your sign that said 'Doggie Empawrium' and I thought for sure you would have geckos."

"Huh. (And when you see a sign that reads 'OB-GYN', do you think for sure that they would have strippers?) Well, thanks for stopping in!"

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

"Doggie Empawrium. This is Travis, can I help you?"

"Do you sell belly straps for dogs?"

"Do we sell what?"

"Belly straps."

"I don't..."

"Its a strap you put around your dog's... you know. So he won't pee in the house."

"Uh, we sure don't. Sorry."

"Oh you don't? Okay... well thanks anyway."

"No problem."

I wonder if she thinks that's how you potty train a child too...

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Work vs. The Blog

It's an outrage! It oughtta be illegal! Letting a job get in the way of blogging- don't they know he has fans out there who depend on his daily witticisms and yammerings?! I know, I know. These are the things you've been shrieking outloud to anyone who will listen since I started back at work. I understand. I really do.

In the past two weeks I have worked more hours than in the previous 50. A year's worth of work in two weeks. You try that. I dare you. I can handle it, though. That's why I'm the manager!

I am just now starting to get comfortable in my new digs and am finally getting most of the items on my "to do" list accomplished. So starting next week, I should be back to my regularly blogging self again. Tell your friends, wake the kids, and phone the neighbors. The Travis Naughton Experience is back!

P.S. Actual phone call I took at the store the other day:

"Doggie Empawrium, this is Travis. Can I help you?"

"Do you have any dog laxatives?"

"I couldn't hear you. Could you please repeat that?"

"Dog laxatives."

"No we don't have anything like that here."

(Silence)

"We don't sell any medicines. I'm sorry."

"Okay, thanks."

"Thanks for calling. Good luck." (Remind me to be out of town when Rover's levee breaks. Let's just hope its not a St. Bernard.)

Monday, May 15, 2006

Fire, Beer, and Violent Farmers

Paul's return to the Vu was postponed due to what the Deja Vu folks called, "inclement" weather. I called it "sittin' around a campfire, drinkin' beer, and listening to music weather. So Paul and his fans implemented plan B and travelled south to the Hartsburg Hills for an evening of fun- Naughton style. Paul and Jeff graced us with several original tunes and I provided a fire worthy of the highest praise. Even Jerry couldn't stop himself from complementing my pyro-prowess. Thanks to him and Lisa, Paul and Carrie, Jeff, Kevin, and Bethany for indulging my craving for an evening of redneck entertainment in its purest form.

Stay tuned for an annoncement for a make up date for Paul & the Violent Farmers' return to Deja Vu.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Tonight's Festivities

Tonight marks the triumphant return of Paul & the Violent Farmers to Columbia's Deja Vu Comedy Club. Paul will be outside on the patio (last time there was no cover charge to sit outside) starting at 10:00. Designated drivers get free sodas at the Vu. We will try to get there by 9:00 to get a table and a head start on laugh juice. Come out and take in the spectacle as Paulie delights us with his tales of love, perversion, and embarrassment. Also come celebrate the completion of my first week of work.

It'll be a hellova time!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

First Day Surprises

What a Monday! When I dropped Alex off at his new pre-school, I introduced him to the director by saying, "This is Alexander and this is his first day of school!"

Nothing. A blank expression was the only response on her part. She and an employee simply stared at Alex and I as if I were speaking a foreign language. After a long, awkward silence she said, "And what do I need to do?"

I was immediately confused. Instead of greeting her new student with open arms and an engaging personality, the director of the center simply asked us what she was supposed to do. Her assistant, recognizing that her boss had no idea who we were or why we were there said, "I wrote it down on the list." I assumed that "it" was Alex.

"My wife talked to you last week and said everything was fine for him to start today," I offered.

"Okay," she said.

"We stopped in on Friday to pick up the paperwork and have most of it filled out. We didn't sign the acknowledgement of fees statement or the form that says we received the policies and rules because we didn't get one."

"Well, it will cost $90 a week."

"For part-time?"

"Oh, that's right. He'll only be here three days a week, right?"

"No. Everyday from 9 till 1."

"Oh, that's right. Well I don't know how much that will cost. We just changed our fees right before your wife called me. I'll fill out the form and have it for you when you come to pick him up. You can still sign the sheet that says you received a copy of the policies though."

"We didn't get that, so we can't sign it."

"Oh you didn't get that?"

"No."

"I'll get that to you, too."

"Thanks. Where do we put his backpack and coat?" We were in the dimly lit basement of the converted ranch house when we were speaking.

"Oh, just go up the stairs, turn left, walk down the hall until you see... Here, it'll probably be easier to just show you." It was.

"My wife said you begin your classroom sessions at 9:00, so I should have him here a little before 9. Is that right?"

"We actually start with morning prayers at 8:30 and then have activities and bible discussion at 9. Are you and your family Christians?"

Dumbfounded shock. Never at any time did she mention to Bethany on the phone nor did her assistant mention to us in person that it was a religios daycare center. "Uh, well I... we don't... we're non-denominational."

"We feel it is important to teach the children about God and Jesus in order to teach them how to be good Christians. That isn't going to be a problem is it?"

I wasn't prepared to debate religion or God and whether anything would be a problem with Alex standing right there listening. I simply said, "We like him to be exposed to all sorts of new ideas and religions including Christianity."

So then I had to make a decision. I decided that even though the owner of the facility had no idea that we were coming, had no idea what to do once we were there, never introduced herself to us, never welcomed Alex to his new school, and planned to indoctrinate Alex into the world of "Christian values" as she called it, that she couldn't ruin him in one day. I had to be at my new job in 30 minutes. I kissed him good-bye, told him to call me if he needed me, and said, "I love you." I got in my car, drove to work, called Bethany to boisterously voice my concerns (which she shared) and tried to concentrate on work. It was useless.

When I picked Alex up, he said he had a good time, and the director said he did really well. I asked her if she had the forms we needed and she said she forgot. Big surprise. Alex said he spent the majority of his day in the basement including lunchtime, Bible lessons, and movietime. He said the cartoon movie they watched depicted two people in the jungle walking around naked with a reptile. When they ate an apple, God made them wear clothes. Bethany called three other day care centers and we are visiting a fourth tomorrow.

So, how was your Monday?

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Updates


First and best of all, Bethany's grandmother (pictured with Alex) is doing much better. She is responding well to treatments to shrink a tumor in her brain that rendered her speechless and partially paralyzed a couple of days ago. Already she is speaking clearly, can move and sit up, has a healthy appetite for the first time in ages, and exhibits her wonderful sense of humor that we all depend on and love. She is such a neat person and we are all lucky to know her and to get to spend some quality time with her. We do not take a minute for granted.

Second, Paul & The Violent Farmers will be taking the patio at Deja Vu on Friday the 12th at 10:00 pm. Originally he was scheduled to go on at 9:00. Our friend Jeff (Jagua Piru on the bloggosphere) may even play a few songs with him. Please come out and support them. I promise you will laugh till you cry. If you're nice, Paulie might even sign a few autographs. (You'll wish you had one when he hits the big time.)

Finally, I wanted to remind everyone that I officially begin my new career as store manager of Doggie Empawrium on Monday. For those of you who were living vicariously through me during my brief retirement, stop by to say hello and to lament the passage of those care-free days known as "the Year of Travis." Actually, I think I'm going to have a lot of fun at the store. I won't have Alex there to play with, but I will get to play with lots of dogs everyday, and I will get to work with three great people who, like me, love dogs and are seeking the good life. As for Alex, he will be in pre-school making new friends and having lots of fun, too. Luckily, I will only be working mornings during May, so I'll still get to spend some quality time with him before he starts real school. Just like with Grandma Viola, I'm not taking a minute of time spent with Alex for granted either.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Seven Hour Work Week

Whew! What a brutal week of training I've had. T.G.I.W.!!! Seriously, I did learn a lot about my new job and should be ready to grab the dog by the tail come Monday morning. Tonight is Kate's going away dinner and tomorrow is her last day of work. Kate will be starting a new career at the KC Zoo. Good luck, Katie-Bear! I'm glad I got to know you.

In other news, Bethany's grandma has taken a turn for the worse healthwise. Bethany and other family members are visiting her in the hospital this week. Keep them all in your thoughts.

Also, Char and Doug's baby boy Duncan weighed 8 lbs. 11 ozs. at birth. I erroneously underreported his weight by two ounces. The babies born into our extended family are usually "trophy" sized and their weights are bragged about like catching a "trophy" fish. Of course Alex weighed 9 lbs 15.5 ozs. which I of course round off to an even 10 pounds. I believe that's a state record.