I Love You Mom

My mom was a Marine. She took shit off of absolutely no one. When she was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer a year and a half ago, she didn't waste time feeling sorry for herself. She fought the disease with all her might. She endured three courses of chemo. She endured whole brain radiation to shrink the two tumors in her head. She endured stereotactic radio surgery to her brain twice. She endured traditional brain surgery when the radiation didn't work. She was a Marine, and Marines don't surrender. They fight. Despite her disease-ravaged condition, she only moved into our home three weeks ago at my urging. Even after suffering a massive seizure that rendered her incapacitated, she fought for three more days before finally succumbing to her enemy. She went out on her own terms, having never stopped battling. Mom passed away this morning in our home, surrounded by her sons, her daughters-in-law, and her grandsons. We were glad to have been able to keep her comfortable at home, so that she wouldn't have to endure the indignity of having strangers care for her at a nursing home or hospital. Because she hated funerals, we are having her remains cremated and later Blake and I will scatter her ashes at sea off the coast of her beloved native land of California.

I would like to thank all of my family and friends who have supported us throught the last 18 months. I have not always been the comedian my fans expect of me, but I think you will probably forgive me for that. I would like to especially thank my wife, my brother Blake, and his wife Meredith. Without them, I doubt I could have survived these last few months. They are the greatest trio of human beings I have ever or will ever know. Last, but not least, I want to thank my mom. Thank you Mom for raising Blake and I to know the difference between right and wrong. Thank you for teaching by example how to serve others through your volunteer work. Thank you for loving me, especially at times in my life when I didn't even love myself. Thank you for not letting me get away with being less that the man I was destined to be. Thank you for indulging my whims throughout my childhood. Thank you for snuggling with me when I was little. Thank you for helping coach my little league teams. Thank you for teaching me how to bowl. Thank you for going to all my band concerts. Thank you for providing for my health and happiness. Thank you for being my mom. I love you. I will always love you.

Bill Herrin and his wife Abby brought a baby girl into the world just as Mom passed away this morning. (Congratulations to you both.) The circle of life cannot be broken. Neither can the love between a mother and her son. I love you Mom. I love you.

The Alexander Interview

Turn up your volume (the microphone on our camera stinks), sit back, and enjoy the web's newest breakaway hit series- The Alexander Interview. You'll be glad you did.

Toilet Training Truman 2

Video of the Year?

God Save the Internet

A Christmas Angel

Come on. Look at this picture and tell me this isn't the cutest face you've ever seen. Can't do it, can you?

"Travis, your dog shit in my bed."

My best friend and college roommate Bill Herrin spoke flatly as he repeated the sentence, "Travis, your dog shit in my bed." A normal person would respond to this announcement with an "I'm sorry" or "I will rectify this situation" or even an incredulous "What?!" But not me. In the early 1990s, I was not always a happy person and my self-loathing often translated to defensiveness, temper tantrums, and various other ridiculous behaviors.

"What do you want me to say, Bill?" I demanded.

"Travis, your dog shit in my bed."

"Okay, Bill. I get that. What do you want from me?!"

"Travis, your dog shit in my bed."

At this point I launched into a blind rage. I knew that my dog "Blondie" (a cocker spaniel mix/ love of my life) was guilty, but Bill's flat demeanor twisted my guilt into fury. We lived in a makeshift fraternity house with a dozen other guys- two of whom showed up with puppies on move-in day. There were piles of dog crap everywhere you looked in that house. Truth is, the place was so filthy that dog shit actually enhanced the smell of the place. I knew the dog had to go, but I had to offer some resistance to the idea of parting ways with my baby. I did what felt natural- I threw an ottoman across the room in Bill's general direction.

"Travis, your dog shit in my bed." Bill was so calm. That made me even more upset. I was so enraged that I began losing my tenuous grip on reality. I envisioned ways to disembowel him and feed his entrails to Blondie. How could he be so expressionless? How could he just sit there and repeat that same understated phrase like a meditating Buddhist monk while raw emotion spewed from me like superheated ash from Mt. St. Helens? I had to kill him. But first I had to wash his sheets.

I would have my revenge eventually. Later that same semester, the following took place in our room one night after many, many beers were consumed.

"Travis, you're pissing on my clothes!"

I stared blankly at my shocked and dismayed roommate.

"Travis! You're pissing on my clothes!"

"Shut the f*** up, Bill!"

"Travis!!! You're pissing on my clothes!!!"

Oh, how the tables were turned. This time Bill was the one who was unreasonably angry while I remained unflappable. While he sat up in bed and shouted at me to stop urinating on his clothing, I maintained my singular focus by filling all four of his dresser's drawers. According to Bill, while he continued to yell at me, I calmly finished up and then went back to bed without saying another word.

I did a lot of laundry the next day. Bill and I have been cool ever since. Now that's a good friend. I mean really- he never did my laundry.

What Blog Daddy Wants for Christmas

First, the material gifts:

1. A 2004 Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor (I have my eye on one already.)

2. My truck returned to me with a rebuilt engine, transfer case, and rear end.

Then, the important stuff:

1. Peace for my mom.

2. A great "first Christmas" for Truman.

3. Some quality time with the whole family before Mommy has to go back to work full-time.

See, I'm easy to please. Merry Christmas!

Senior Moment

A moment ago I wrote a funny blog post that I really wanted to share with you. As I proofread it, it began to sound familiar. I had a feeling of deja vu and a voice in the back of my head that told me, "You've written this crap before." So I went back through my old posts and sure enough, I wrote virtually the same story over two years ago. I have heard that a sign of getting old is repeatting the same stories over and over again. Well, I guess I just need some new stories because I'll be damned if I'm getting old. I will endeavor to create some interesting life experiences that I can turn into entertaining stories for you. I will go out and embarrass myself for your amusement. That's how much I care about my fans. You're welcome.

401

When I blogged on Monday, it was the 400th time I have posted an entry since I began "Voices in My Head" on April 27, 2005. Some of those posts were admittedly of lesser quality than others. Some were later deleted due to discretion, shame, or pride. But most captured a glimpse of the inner workings of my twisted little mind. And you, as if watching Britney shave her head, can't manage to look away. I feel like the star of my own reality TV show except I get to choose what the viewer sees. Of course that hasn't prevented me from revealing personal and sometimes embarrassing details about myself for your amusement. I would be doing a disservice to my fans if I refused to give an honest, if not uncomfortable depiction of my life. If I were to settle for anything less, why would you want to keep reading my blog?

So on this historic occasion, I would like to say "thank you" to my legion of devoted fans (all three of you.) I'll continue to write about being me if you'll continue to humor me by reading what I have to say. When I'm famous, you'll be able to tell your friends you were there with me from the beginning. I may even charge you less for my autograph.

Thanksgiving was quite an experience this year. We ended up having 29 people at our house (some of whom were pictured here), all of whom were instant fans of Truman. On Friday, Bethany and Charla went to the day after Thanksgiving sales at 4:00 am. That left Doug and I to keep six kids (counting a neighbor) alive and out of mischief. On Saturday, we went to the Stoney Creek Inn to visit our friends Jeff and Jeaneth and their new baby. Blake and Meredith were there too along with some of Meredith's relatives who have kids. All enjoyed the swimming pool along with Truman and Alex. On Sunday, I watched nine hours of football while finding time to be a somewhat effective parent while Bethany was at work. Today, my beautiful bride allowed me to sleep in for the first time since before we went to China. And she called to get our internet working again after a weekend of not being able to get online. I finally feel "normal" again.

Thanks to everyone who came to visit on Thanksgiving and thanks to everyone who continues to follow the saga of Truman and the Naughtons. In case you didn't know, I am writing a book based on some of my blog postings and of course I will include ample coverage of life with Truman. I think I will self-publish it to begin with and when all of you have bought a copy and I can show a major publishing house that it is a seller, then maybe I'll land a sweet deal and fund my "retirement." That's as close to a plan as I'm willing to formulate at this point in my life. Stay tuned...

Things I'm Thankful For

1. My wife and kids.
2. The rest of my family.
3. Every visit with my mom.
4. Two-ply toilet paper.
5. My tailgatin' truck (currently being rebuilt).
6. Five pound largemouth bass.
7. Football.
8. Family Guy re-runs.
9. Micro-brews.
10. My wife's two incomes.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Best Week Ever

Of course you already know that this is Thanksgiving week. I look forward to this week more than any other. Christmas is nice, but over-commercialized. Turkey Day is about family, food, and football. Does it get any better than that? This year, we are expecting at least 24 people including six kids ranging from two to nine years of age. (Three of the kids are two-year-olds!) Oh, and we'll have five dogs, two cats, and a parakeet here, too. As always, there's never a dull moment in this family.

Social Butterfly

Yesterday was "Meet Truman Day" for a lot of people. First, he went with Bethany to visit her co-workers in Jeff City. Then, he met Grant while we ate brunch at Bob Evans. He was a big hit with the waitresses. Next, he went to the car auction I used to work for and met some of my good friends including Jerry, Lisa, and Kristin. From there we drove to Nonna's house for some quality time with her (and some smooches.) Later, back at our house, our neighbor's and their kids came over to play. Even after all of that socializing, Truman had enough energy left to dance with Mommy and Alex in the front room. It was a hoot.

Today, Truman is learning the importance of saying "please" instead of taking what he wants from someone without asking. Lots of tears. Several tantrums. Quite entertaining. But it has been a good day so far. I woke up early and built a cozy fire in the fireplace. I made coffee and when everyone else woke up I surprised them with pancakes and scrambled eggs for breakfast. And now, it's time to veg-out on the couch and watch college football all afternoon. Life is good, y'all.

A "Normal" Naughton

Truman has settled in quite nicely. Last night after going on the potty, getting his jammies on, and getting his teeth brushed, Truman laid down in bed while Alex read him a book. All of this without any tears or tantrums. And early this morning when he woke up in bed, instead of crying out for us, Truman simply got up and wandered around the house while babbling something in Chinese. I called out to him and he found our room, crawled into bed with us, and went back to sleep. (Just like his brother does most nights.) In his new house for only a few days, little Truman Jiang Naughton is perfectly at home with his new family. He's just a normal Naughton now. If there is such a thing.

#1 Son

With all of the attention focused on Truman lately, it would be understandable if Alex felt neglected or jealous. So far, however, he is showing no signs of that. He is being a super big brother and enjoys making his little brother laugh. He carries him around, helps him in and out of the van, and even took a bath with him last night to show him that bath time can be fun.

Last evening, we had parent-teacher conferences at school. Alex is getting perfect marks for reading, writing, and math. He still has some issues with self-control, but he's never in trouble for being mean or "bad." He just likes to talk a lot and it gets him in trouble sometimes. The past two weeks were hard for him while we were in China, but he is getting back to normal again now. He wants to take Truman to school for show and tell so he can show him off to his friends. How cool is that?!

Thank You, Everyone

Many of you have followed along with Bethany, Alex, and I for years as we have tried to add to our family. You know that we started "trying" to give Alex a little brother or sister since he was two years old. For six years you have been with us through all of the peaks and valleys of the emotional roller coaster we have been riding. And now, through this blog, you have had a daily glimpse at the drama that has been our lives over the past few weeks as we have completed the adoption of Truman. We have been overwhelmed by your voices of support on the phone, in emails, on the blog, and in person. We didn't realize how enthralling the journey to China would be to our family and friends. We are humbled by your support and words of encouragement. Although we were half a world away, we felt like our friends and family were with us every step of the way. I can't tell you how much that meant to us while we rode in Chinese taxi cabs, listened to Truman cry for hours at a time, and sat on a plane for twelve hours straight. In short, we thank you all for your love and support throughout this long, but ultimately worthwhile journey. So reward yourselves for being there for us by stopping by to visit the newest Naughton whenever you get the chance. You will fall head over heels for him, as we did, the second you meet him. I admit there's a very remote chance that I may not be the cutest Naughton boy afterall. I may actually only be the third cutest. I guess I'll settle for that.

Truman's New Life

Truman is settling in to his new home nicely. The first night, all four of us slept in our king sized bed. It felt more like a twin size with all of us in it, but it was nice and cozy. Alex and I woke up at a normal time, but Bethany and Truman slept until 2:00 in the afternoon. (Fourteen hours straight, without getting up once.) After the sleepyheads finally got up, we went to spend time with Nonna and then with Grandma Glee and Jessie. Truman was quite generous with giving everyone kisses. Today, Alex is back in school, Mommy is back in bed, and Daddy just changed a nasty diaper. Now, I'm sipping coffee and blogging while watching Truman play. Life is good.

Home Again!

This series of photos is a tidy little summary of our 28 hour odyssey home yesterday. The trip was so long and crossed so many time zones that we saw the sun rise twice and saw darkness three times in one day. (On a personal note of pride, I peed in three countries in one day. Top that!) We started in Guangzhou China, waking up at 5:00am to catch a ride to the airport. We flew for over four hours to Tokyo and another 10 or so hours to Minneapolis. The first picture is of Mommy and Truman at the Minneapolis airport. It was at that airport that Truman was processed as a new immigrant. When the officer stamped his paperwork and said "congratulations" I struggled to keep it together in front of the several hundred other immigrants and families in the room. My son became an American. That's a pretty awesome distinction, and after spending two weeks in China, it's one that I'll never take for granted again. Then we flew to KC where Doug, Char, Oliva, Morgan, Duncan, and Grandma Glee were waiting for us. By "us" I mean Truman. Wow, can that boy work a crowd. He had everyone in stitches within minutes of landing. The second picture shows big brother Alex and little brother Truman in one of many smooches they shared. How cool is that!? Then, Nonna landed in KC, returning from Blake and Meredith's house in Baltimore. And she got some Truman kisses, too. After a lot of hugs, the Columbia-area family drove home. What a great feeling it is to be back. The third picture shows Alex and Mommy helping Truman brush his teeth last night. The final picture pretty much speaks for itself. Two brothers, cozy in their parents' bed, watching Winnie the Pooh and feeling happy and loved. I used to think the greatest sound in the world was that of a baby's laughter. However, during our drive home I could hear my two sons playing and giggling in the back seat of the van. That sound filled my heart so full of joy I could barely contain myself. I reached over to Bethany and gave her hand a little squeeze and she returned the gesture. She looked into my eyes and at that moment we both knew that our family was now complete. Beyond any doubt, I'm the luckiest son of a gun you'll ever meet.

The Truman Show (Reflections of China)

On September 16, 2006 a boy was born in Guigang City, Guanxi Province, People's Republic of China. A young couple's joy of anticipation turned to bitter disappointment when they saw that their child was born with physical defects including a malformed left hand and foot. To many Chinese, birth defects are a sign of bad luck and the mother is often blamed for them. She may be shunned or even kicked out by her family. Farming families, seeking healthy sons to help with the crops, often abandon daughters or deformed boys in hopes that they can try again for a normal son. No one knows exactly why five-day old Jiang Yi Zhan was left by the side of the road by his biological parents. What is known is that he became one of the thousands of orphans left to languish in a dismal state run institution with no one to love him and no one to love.

"Zhan-Zhan's" luck began to change when he was slightly more than one year old. He was placed in a foster home and was well cared for there. He grew to love his "Ma-ma" and became settled in his new enviornment. Almost one full year later, he was torn away from the only mother he ever knew and placed in the arms of two red-eyed, pale-skinned strangers. For days, little Truman (as he has been re-named) cried endlessly for his foster mother. He was reserved and didn't eat much. His new parents worried that he was not handling the changes in his life well. But then, we flew to Guangzhou. A change of scenery brought a change in attitude for little T. He didn't crawl out of his shell- he bounded out of it. He learned to eat pizza, throw temper tantrums, perform for crowds, and flirt with the ladies. He has, in a matter of days, become a full fledged member of the Naughton family with all the quirks that make us who we are. He is certifiably nuts- just like the rest of us. He will fit in just fine at the Hartsburg Homestead. We can't wait for you all to meet him. Between him and Alex, we are no doubt the luckiest parents around.

Today, Truman was blessed by a Buddhist monk at a beautiful temple. Later we shopped some more and finalized the adoption at the American Consulate. When we land on U.S. soil, Little T will be a legal U.S. citizen. We leave for the airport at 5:00am tomorrow. We'll be home in our own bed at about 10:00pm Saturday night. Wow. Did we really just spend two weeks in China?!

Thursday

We just got back from a long walk at a local park. Paths lined with banyan trees, a huge former colonial mansion, a lake, ping pong tables and a tribute to former Chinese president Deng Xiao Ping were some of the highlights of the park. Thursday is drawing to an end, leaving us with one day left in China. Tomorrow, we plan on visiting the Six Banyan Temple, a famous Buddhist landmark. Then, we will take the oath at the American Consulate making the adoption and American citizenship of our son final. Later, Bethany has plans to do even more souvenier shopping while making time for one last Starbucks run. And I will have a final word on this blog about our experiences in China. Stay tuned...

Wednesday In Guangzhou

Today, after breakfast, we went back to our room and just lounged around for a lazy morning. We didn't leave for lunch till about 2:30, when we walked across the street to McDonald's. Eventually, we decided to catch a cab and head back out into the city to do some shopping. We were back at our room by 5:30. And guess what. Truman has finally realized that being in a hotel room with his new ma-ma and ba-ba is not such a bad thing afterall. He has gone to bed without fussing and slept through the night for three straight nights. He even let Mommy brush his teeth yesterday while I held him. He throws temper tantrums, gives kisses, and eats regular food (he is eating a panini from Starbucks as I type this). In less than two weeks, a scared little orphan has transfomed into a typical two year old member of a family who loves him with all their hearts. Just two more days and a wake-up and we'll be headed home. We can't wait for you to meet Truman. If you've enjoyed his pictures, just wait till you see him in person. As Jack Nicholson said as the Joker, "Just wait'll they get a load of me."

Tuesday Morning

We went to a park in Guangzhou today. It was a good excuse to be outdoors on a beautiful day. I think the temperature is around 72 degrees or more. Truman fell asleep and as he lay in my arms a Chinese woman stopped to admire him. She felt the material of his shirt and gave me the international look of "shame on you for not having this child bundled in three layers of clothing plus a fur-lined parka." Some other parents have had strangers pull their child's pant legs down so that not an inch of skin would be exposed to the savagely cold temperatures. The well-meaning woman also pointed at Truman and then held up one finger to indicate "one year old?" I held up two fingers and she gave me a look that clearly said "You are crazy. You do not even know how old your child is." She held up one finger again. I held up two followed by the universal sign for "little." She nodded, but walked away in disbelief. She did smile and say bye-bye. Most Chinese are quite friendly. Take the gentleman I conversed with at the park. He walked right up to me and shook my hand. In rough English, he asked where I was from. I said the middle of America. He said what a great place that must be. I agreed. He then asked if I voted for Barack Obama. I said that I did. He said, "He only won 54% of the vote, that seems dangerous." I said that from where I'm from, you only need 51% to win. He said, "I don't understand your Congress. You have Senate. You have Representative. Only 100 Senate, but Representative I don't know." I explained the bi-cameral make-up of our legislative branch and he seemed to grasp the concept. He thanked me for visiting with him and wished me well. If China converts to democracy in the next few years, I will take full credit for it.

Damn, this kid is cute.

Today, we went to the medical clinic for Truman's required exam. The doctors were fascinated yet unconcerned about his unique left hand and foot. Clean bill of health. Afterwards, we went shopping and bought the little guy a traditional Chinese outfit and some souveniers. Later, we went to dinner at a much tamer restaurant than the one we visited last night. Oh, and Truman slept the whole night through last night. Ten hours straight! It was another great day.

A Good Day

What a difference a day makes. This hotel has a playroom for kids, which Truman enjoyed for quite a while. It also has a huge breakfast buffet, which Mom and Dad enjoyed. But for dinner, we went on an adventure. Six families walked in downtown Guangzhou to a local restaurant. For Blake and anyone else afraid we would only eat at Western restaurants, you would be proud. As we were escorted to a dining room, we walked past cages of live snakes, tank of frogs, fish, and shellfish, and a pond with live gators/crocs. After we were seated, the waiter asked me ( I sat closest to the "head" of the table) what we would like to order. I said I would like to see a menu and he said "No English on menu." I said that I would look at the pictures (which did not help.) By this time, everyone was concerned that we could wind up eating something undesireable/unidentifiable. One member of the group had some names of common Chinese foods written down and he and I were able to order dumplings, Peking duck, a chicken (including its head), noodles, rice, and good ol' pijiu (beer). Twelve adults and five children ate and drank till we were full for a total of just under $100. We all had a lot of fun (and Truman had three full bowls of congee (rice porridge). As we left the restaurant, a worker dropped a live frog on the floor that must have weighed over a pound. The "splat" sound it made was a perfect final note for the evening.

A change of scenery

This morning, we flew to Guangzhou. Truman didn't fuss a bit on the one hour flight. In fact, he has done pretty well all day. He even took a nap without starting World War Three. He is still going thru his routine of gathering his things and standing by the door, but he's not screaming "mama" for hours on end. Baby steps. In about an hour we are going to get his picture taken for his visa. On Monday he'll get a routine doctor's visit and then we'll have three days of free-time. Then, we go to the Consulate for final interviews and an oath of some sort. Then, on Saturday we finally fly home. One week to go.

In the photos: I had to throw in another picture of a smiling Truman. Then you'll see the three-story high Wal-mart in Nanning. Next is a shot of us boys feeding the koi. Finally, a group of Asian tourists mobbing our travel companions Lisa and James. You can't see them through the throng, but Lisa has blond hair and blue eyes, which makes her something of a phenomenon around here. People have been taking her picture since we landed in China.

More pictures later...

Oh, Bethany is content- there's a Starbucks in our hotel.

Friday Morning

These pictures show a few of the events of this morning. The first picture is of my Chinese wedding. I got yanked up onto the stage during a traditional stage performance and endured a Chinese dance, saki drinking, a wedding ceremony, bride carrying, and various tests of my manhood. I think I passed the test, because after making me drink four shots of rice wine and literally getting kicked in the arse by the emcee, I was forced to bribe my new wife into letting me go. Everyone, including Truman, enjoyed seeing me look ridiculous.

The next three pictures capture the daily ritual in our hotel room while the last picture is of a bridge in the park we went to today. It was made without any nails in the style of ancient local bridgebuilding techniques. We also toured a museum of local artifacts and rode in yet another taxi. Big day already, and it is only 1:00pm. Tomorrow brings new adventures as we depart for Guangzhou where we will stay until next weekend (when we can finally come home.) I haven't responded to anybody's emails, but please know we appreciate your support and we're glad you're enjoying the pictures.

Zai jian!