"All My Ex-es Live On Facebook"

The Internet is a funny thing. Where else can a guy "reunite" with four women with whom he previously had relationships without it turning into a lynching? Unless these women are swapping "Travis is such a loser" stories behind my back (which they would never do), this "Ex-girlfriends' Club" seems to be a good thing. I have had the chance to say some things to the ladies that in my previous life of immaturity I never could say. They have reminded me of an age of innocence which I can now look back upon fondly. We have all moved on with our lives and all seem to be happy and doing well. The Internet as therapy- who would have thunk it?

I find myself thinking about those days gone by quite a bit lately. I think everyone needs to take stock once in a while and remember what got them to where they are today. The four women I referred to included two pairs of best friends. (No, that didn't complicate things!) They accounted for three-fourths of the French Horn section of the Hannibal High School band. (Now you know my favorite instrument.) But most importantly, they are all great people who I am lucky to call my friends. Without the experiences we shared, I would have not been ready when "The One" came along. In fact, Bethany actually came along a little too early. It wasn't until a few years after we first met that I was mature enough to handle a committed relationship. Timing is everything.

So, "to all the girls I've loved before", I say thank you for sharing a part of your lives with me. I am the man I am today, in part, because of you. You'll always have a place in my heart.

Someone pissed in my Cheerios

I just realized something. Just now. I am not funny anymore. I looked back at some of my recent blogs and they're not funny. Oh, I could make all sorts of excuses why I haven't been in a comedic mood lately, but that would be pretty lame. Most comedians come up with their best material when they face decidedly un-funny situations. I need to lighten up. When people screw me, I should make jokes instead of whining to you. When the CenturyTel lady told me that they can only transmit a DSL signal 21,000 feet down the phone line (which was 300 feet short of my house), I should have said to her, "Women tell me 'It won't reach' all the time." When the used car salesman pissed me off the other day, I should have told him, "It's okay. But next time I'll drop the ball and you can drop the soap," instead of venting my frustration at my blog readers. When my mom has setbacks with her battle against cancer I should try to find the humor instead of focusing on the negatives. There is humor in tragedy. It may be dark humor, but if it gets you through the day, then so be it. I won't tell any embarrassing stories about Mom right now- her tumors aren't so big that she can't still kick my ass.

The point is, I realize that my blogs and such have had a depressing tone lately (except for the adoption updates- but even those aren't funny). I'll work on that. My fans depend on my loose interpretation of reality to get them through their mundane lives. So from now on, I'll do more to entertain you rather than make you want to jump off a bridge. Here's something to chew on 'till next time: I'm thinking of repainting the Tailgatin' Truck-again...

No Deal!

I told you I was buying a new Bluesmobile, right? I called the guy on Tuesday and arranged for their shop to install four new tires, window tinting, and a 30-day temp tag. I had a cashier's check for everything drawn up at my bank. I was really excited about getting a new car. It's been five years! I arrived yesterday (Friday) at 5:00 pm in Kansas City to pay for and take home the car. To my bitter disappointment, I discovered the car still had four bald tires and no window tinting. I asked the salesman if he remembered our conversation and he sheepishly admitted that he did. Then he went on to say, "I'm not making excuses, but we've been really busy all week." (Sounded like an excuse to me.) Then he told me to drive the car across town to the tire shop myself. He said, "Good news, if you take it over there yourself, then you won't have to pay our mark-up." I told him I didn't want to drive it myself because he should have done it. He said that's fine but it would take his guy awhile to get it over there and that I would still have to pay full price. (No offer of a discount after failing to have the car ready!?) I said I needed to think about it while Bethany, Alex, and I test drove the car. It ran fine, but I soon noticed it had no rear view mirror. (Cars have to have one to pass inspection in Missouri, not to mention tires that aren't bald. You would think that since a KC cop owns the dealership they would know that.) It also lacked a spare tire (which was listed as included on the web listing.) Seething mad, I turned the car around and headed back to the lot to tell the guy "No deal."

When I got back to the dealership, our salesman was helping two other employees put a spotlight on another car. I stood there waiting to talk to him for over five minutes. He never even acknowledged my presence. Finally, I interrupted. "Excuse me, John." He turned to look at me. "It's obvious to me that that spotlight is more important to you than my business. You had three full days to put tires on my car and tint the windows. Then I noticed there's no rear-view mirror, so I don't know how you got it to pass inspection. There isn't even a spare in the trunk. I drove two and a half hours to pick up this car and it wasn't ready. I am extremely disappointed. Now, you can't even tear yourself away from that spotlight to talk to me. So, nothing personal, but we can't do business."

John replied, "So is there any other car here you'd be interested in?"

"No."

"Out of a hundred cars here, you don't want any of them?"

"Not a chance. Have a nice day." And I got back in my mom's car and we drove away. Here's a tip for everyone: whether you are in the car business or are offering high-speed internet, or whatever, just follow-through on what you've promised. If you say that you are going to do something for someone, then do it. Don't make excuses. Just get it done. That seems simple enough, doesn't it?

Meanwhile, the search for the new Bluesmobile continues...

It's Official!

Yesterday, Bethany called our adoption social worker, Rebecca Davis to find out how much longer we would have to wait to get our referral, or final approval, from China. In the usual process of adopting a typical, healthy child, a family submits their dossier, then China reviews it (years later in recent cases), matches the family with a child, and finally gives a referral. This process is currently 31 months long and growing. In our case, we submitted our dossier in June of '07 and then later elected to adopt a "waiting child" (special needs). Because China had not reviewed our dossier yet due to the fact that it was buried in the backlog of files for a typical adoption, Rebecca informed us that it could take as much as 2 or 3 more months to find review it. Bethany called me right after this conversation and expressed her frustration because she desperately wants to hold our little boy in her arms and give him the love he deserves. I tried to comfort her, but I was frustrated, too.

Ten minutes later, Bethany called me back. Rebecca had just called her back to say that moments after hanging up with her, the mailman delivered our official referral from China to her office. Just like that, the frustration from waiting all these years to add to our family vanished in an instant. It's official, the People's Republic of China has decreed that Jiang Yizhan of Guangxi Province in China is to be adopted by the Naughton family of Hartsburg, Missouri. Our agency, Children's Hope International (CHI) is sending us the referral packet today via UPS. We're hoping that they have included some recent photos and information about our new son. We are positively giddy with anticipation.

Next week, we will speak with the travel coordinator for CHI to arrange our flight to China. We could be on Chinese soil in September. Recall that in our petition to adopt letter I expressed my hope to have our son home by his 2nd birthday on September 16th. That seems to be a possiblity now! "Xie-Xie" (Chinese for "thank you") to everyone who has prayed for us and sent us their positive vibes along the way. We hope that you will share in our joy at this wonderful news. And as always, keep checking the blog for more updates. (I may even be able to post from China!)

"Is it the new Bluesmobile or what?"

Behold my new baby. A 2003 Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor. Rare Harvest Blue color. Grey cloth interior with carpet (rare for a cop car.) I bought it on ebay from a dealer in Kansas City that only sells cop cars. I got it for $1000 less than the asking price on their website, so now I can afford to have them tint the windows and put a new set of tires on it. And I'll still have enough money left over to install a CD player and the better looking center hub caps like my old car had. Blog Daddy is a happy camper today!

Gadgets

Blogger just added a feature called gadgets. I have added two of them on a trial basis to see how it works. As you can see, the two I selected feature my love of beautiful cars and beautiful women. Enjoy.

Mondays...

At 8:00 this morning, a representative from CenturyTel called to inform me that we cannot get DSL Internet at our home afterall. I reminded this person that it was CenturyTel who sent us a solicitation in the mail that claimed we were now eligible for high-speed internet. Bethany even submitted our zip code on their website to confirm our eligibility. Then she called and waited on hold for almost an hour to talk to a representative who once again confirmed our eligibility. They agreed to the terms and set up installation for this morning. The woman who called to tell me that we can't have the service said that their transmitters can only send the signal 21,000 feet down the line and that our house was 300 feet too far. "I'm sorry, sir" was her reply when I bluntly expressed by discontent. Needless to say, after hanging up I was not a happy camper.

At 8:20 am, Bethany's sister Kelly called for help because the car I just sold her yesterday died on the side of the road. I drove to town to try to get it started and soon realized the effort was futile. We called a tow truck and had it brought to the Ford dealer. Turns out that a fuel relay switch failed. I felt terrible that the car broke down less than a day after I sold it to her for my niece Jessie to use as her first car, so I offered to help pay for the repairs. (She refused, but I insisted.) What else could go wrong today?

At 9:30 I dropped by my mom's house to check on her. She was having some residual pains from her surgical procedure last week, so I drove her to the pharmacy to pick up some pain medicine. She is really struggling lately. We have three doctor appointments tomorrow to try to figure out where we go from here. Cancer is a nasty, nasty disease. If you smoke, quit. If you haven't smoked, don't start. I've done a lot of stupid things in my life, but I've never smoked a single cigarette. And I never will.

Anyway, this has been one shitty Monday. And it's only noon. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.

Oh, the possibilites...

On Monday, after nearly a decade of being subjected to painfully slow dial-up internet access, the Naughton household will at long last have DSL high-speed internet installed! I have been blogging and posting pictures at an average connection speed of 26k. Most of you probably have a connection rate in the mega-byte or even gigabyte range. I'm not good at math, but it sounds like our computer surfs the net at a fraction of the speed of the rest of the world. Painful. But that's all about to change on Monday. I will be able to blog at breakneck speeds. I'll be able to post, download, and view videos for the first time ever. (YouTube has never been viewed at this house.) Through my blog, myspace, and facebook pages I will rule cyberspace! (Insert diabolical, evil genius laughter here.)

So be sure to check my sites beginning on Monday afternoon to see what a madman can accomplish with the right weapons at his disposal...

Cancer Sucks

Lance Armstrong beat cancer. It is difficult to comprehend his recovery. His testicular cancer spread to his lungs, his brain, and throughout his body and yet he not only survived, he went on to have such good health that he won seven straight Tour de France bike races. Winning one Tour is one of the singular most difficult things to do in all of sports. Seven? Seven. It shouldn't be possible. He should be dead. But he isn't. And that fact gives hope to everyone who wears one of his yellow bracelets.

My mom is one of those people. Her diagnosis of stage four lung cancer which metastasized to her brain is every bit as grim as Lance Armstrong's was. She chose to fight, like he did, and has survived a full year since her diagnosis. She has endured hours of radiation, months of chemo, three hospitalizations, and brain surgery in that span of time. This week, Mom had to be admitted to University Hospital due to complications caused by the tumor in her lung. You see, it didn't get the memo from Lance that it was supposed to just shrivel up and go away. It decided to fight back and has managed to keep growing throughout the past year. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that the tumor is winning the battle right now. But it hasn't won. The doctors have a procedure planned next week that may help relieve some of Mom's symptoms. In the meantime, Mom checked herself out of the hospital (against her doctor's wishes) in order to wait for her surgery in the comfort of her own home. Have you ever tried to talk my mom out of doing something?

Cancer sucks. My mom's mom died from it. Her grandma died from it. Bethany's grandma died from it. A good friend of mine who was 29 years old died from it. (Jen was an only child and I'll never forget watching her parents kiss her goodbye at her funeral.) Cancer killed John "I'm the toughest sombitch there ever was" Wayne for God's sake. But Lance Armstrong- he beat it. Not just a tiny little cancerous mole. He beat stage four cancer that spread throughout his body. He went on to greatness. He proved that nothing is impossible. And guess what: he isn't half as tough as my mom. But then, you already knew that, didn't you?

So please keep sending those positive vibes Mom's way. But don't feel sorry for her. Feel sorry for the cancer whose ass she's gonna kick. (And feel a little sorry for the doctors and nurses who tried in vain to convince her to stay at the hospital.)

Back to Reality

My mom is back in the hospital. Cancer sucks.

August 4

Yesterday was one of the most important dates in the history of mankind. Here's why:

1. Nascar legend Jeff Gordon was born on this date in 1971.
2. Nascar punk Kurt Busch was also born on this date.
3. Bill Herrin, my jolly friend was also born on August 4, 1971.
4. The next President of the United States, Barack Obama was born on August 4, too.
5. And most importantly, I married my beautiful bride on August 4, 1996. In the words of The Little River Band, "Happy Aniversary, Baby."

"I need new friends."

This post is dedicated to all of my friends. I'm not going to beat around the bush here. You people suck. All of you. You wanna know why? Because you've changed. You've grown up. You have jobs, wives, kids, mortgages, etc. You're mature. And you don't live near me anymore. You never come hang out on the "party porch" that I built for your enjoyment. (So much for "If you build it, they will come.") You've moved on with your lives. In short- you suck.

Oh I can hear you know, "But Blog Daddy, you have a wife, a kid, and a mortgage, too. And not all of us have a wife who works two jobs and would let us quit our jobs and build a ridiculously cool party porch for our drinking buddies to hang out on. We're not the ones who bought a house in the country that's an hour-long round trip from anywhere, although it is a lovely place. We have obligations. We live in the real world. You live in a fantasy world. You've got it made. What a life you have! You don't have the right to complain. Would you like some cheese with that whine? Grow-up, Naughton. Yeah, you don't get to spend as much time with your buddies as you'd like, but who does? We'll get together when we can. Until then, keep a beer in the fridge for us and enjoy what you do have. You have a smokin' hot wife, a great kid, ten acres of Heaven, a bitchin' tailgatin' truck, a fishin' boat, and friends who care about you even if you rarely get to spend time with them. You're livin' the dream, man."

You'd be right, of course. However, from time to time it does get a little lonely out here in the sticks. So please try to come visit whenever you can. You've got a standing invitation. Consider taking a "staycation" here at the Hartsburg Hotel. We'll leave the light on for you.