Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I Love You Mom

My mom was a Marine. She took shit off of absolutely no one. When she was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer a year and a half ago, she didn't waste time feeling sorry for herself. She fought the disease with all her might. She endured three courses of chemo. She endured whole brain radiation to shrink the two tumors in her head. She endured stereotactic radio surgery to her brain twice. She endured traditional brain surgery when the radiation didn't work. She was a Marine, and Marines don't surrender. They fight. Despite her disease-ravaged condition, she only moved into our home three weeks ago at my urging. Even after suffering a massive seizure that rendered her incapacitated, she fought for three more days before finally succumbing to her enemy. She went out on her own terms, having never stopped battling. Mom passed away this morning in our home, surrounded by her sons, her daughters-in-law, and her grandsons. We were glad to have been able to keep her comfortable at home, so that she wouldn't have to endure the indignity of having strangers care for her at a nursing home or hospital. Because she hated funerals, we are having her remains cremated and later Blake and I will scatter her ashes at sea off the coast of her beloved native land of California.

I would like to thank all of my family and friends who have supported us throught the last 18 months. I have not always been the comedian my fans expect of me, but I think you will probably forgive me for that. I would like to especially thank my wife, my brother Blake, and his wife Meredith. Without them, I doubt I could have survived these last few months. They are the greatest trio of human beings I have ever or will ever know. Last, but not least, I want to thank my mom. Thank you Mom for raising Blake and I to know the difference between right and wrong. Thank you for teaching by example how to serve others through your volunteer work. Thank you for loving me, especially at times in my life when I didn't even love myself. Thank you for not letting me get away with being less that the man I was destined to be. Thank you for indulging my whims throughout my childhood. Thank you for snuggling with me when I was little. Thank you for helping coach my little league teams. Thank you for teaching me how to bowl. Thank you for going to all my band concerts. Thank you for providing for my health and happiness. Thank you for being my mom. I love you. I will always love you.

Bill Herrin and his wife Abby brought a baby girl into the world just as Mom passed away this morning. (Congratulations to you both.) The circle of life cannot be broken. Neither can the love between a mother and her son. I love you Mom. I love you.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Alexander Interview

Turn up your volume (the microphone on our camera stinks), sit back, and enjoy the web's newest breakaway hit series- The Alexander Interview. You'll be glad you did.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Monday, December 08, 2008

"Travis, your dog shit in my bed."

My best friend and college roommate Bill Herrin spoke flatly as he repeated the sentence, "Travis, your dog shit in my bed." A normal person would respond to this announcement with an "I'm sorry" or "I will rectify this situation" or even an incredulous "What?!" But not me. In the early 1990s, I was not always a happy person and my self-loathing often translated to defensiveness, temper tantrums, and various other ridiculous behaviors.

"What do you want me to say, Bill?" I demanded.

"Travis, your dog shit in my bed."

"Okay, Bill. I get that. What do you want from me?!"

"Travis, your dog shit in my bed."

At this point I launched into a blind rage. I knew that my dog "Blondie" (a cocker spaniel mix/ love of my life) was guilty, but Bill's flat demeanor twisted my guilt into fury. We lived in a makeshift fraternity house with a dozen other guys- two of whom showed up with puppies on move-in day. There were piles of dog crap everywhere you looked in that house. Truth is, the place was so filthy that dog shit actually enhanced the smell of the place. I knew the dog had to go, but I had to offer some resistance to the idea of parting ways with my baby. I did what felt natural- I threw an ottoman across the room in Bill's general direction.

"Travis, your dog shit in my bed." Bill was so calm. That made me even more upset. I was so enraged that I began losing my tenuous grip on reality. I envisioned ways to disembowel him and feed his entrails to Blondie. How could he be so expressionless? How could he just sit there and repeat that same understated phrase like a meditating Buddhist monk while raw emotion spewed from me like superheated ash from Mt. St. Helens? I had to kill him. But first I had to wash his sheets.

I would have my revenge eventually. Later that same semester, the following took place in our room one night after many, many beers were consumed.

"Travis, you're pissing on my clothes!"

I stared blankly at my shocked and dismayed roommate.

"Travis! You're pissing on my clothes!"

"Shut the f*** up, Bill!"

"Travis!!! You're pissing on my clothes!!!"

Oh, how the tables were turned. This time Bill was the one who was unreasonably angry while I remained unflappable. While he sat up in bed and shouted at me to stop urinating on his clothing, I maintained my singular focus by filling all four of his dresser's drawers. According to Bill, while he continued to yell at me, I calmly finished up and then went back to bed without saying another word.

I did a lot of laundry the next day. Bill and I have been cool ever since. Now that's a good friend. I mean really- he never did my laundry.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

What Blog Daddy Wants for Christmas


First, the material gifts:
1. A 2004 Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor (I have my eye on one already.)
2. My truck returned to me with a rebuilt engine, transfer case, and rear end.

Then, the important stuff:
1. Peace for my mom.
2. A great "first Christmas" for Truman.
3. Some quality time with the whole family before Mommy has to go back to work full-time.
See, I'm easy to please. Merry Christmas!


Thursday, December 04, 2008

Senior Moment

A moment ago I wrote a funny blog post that I really wanted to share with you. As I proofread it, it began to sound familiar. I had a feeling of deja vu and a voice in the back of my head that told me, "You've written this crap before." So I went back through my old posts and sure enough, I wrote virtually the same story over two years ago. I have heard that a sign of getting old is repeatting the same stories over and over again. Well, I guess I just need some new stories because I'll be damned if I'm getting old. I will endeavor to create some interesting life experiences that I can turn into entertaining stories for you. I will go out and embarrass myself for your amusement. That's how much I care about my fans. You're welcome.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

401


When I blogged on Monday, it was the 400th time I have posted an entry since I began "Voices in My Head" on April 27, 2005. Some of those posts were admittedly of lesser quality than others. Some were later deleted due to discretion, shame, or pride. But most captured a glimpse of the inner workings of my twisted little mind. And you, as if watching Britney shave her head, can't manage to look away. I feel like the star of my own reality TV show except I get to choose what the viewer sees. Of course that hasn't prevented me from revealing personal and sometimes embarrassing details about myself for your amusement. I would be doing a disservice to my fans if I refused to give an honest, if not uncomfortable depiction of my life. If I were to settle for anything less, why would you want to keep reading my blog?


So on this historic occasion, I would like to say "thank you" to my legion of devoted fans (all three of you.) I'll continue to write about being me if you'll continue to humor me by reading what I have to say. When I'm famous, you'll be able to tell your friends you were there with me from the beginning. I may even charge you less for my autograph.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Thanksgiving was quite an experience this year. We ended up having 29 people at our house (some of whom were pictured here), all of whom were instant fans of Truman. On Friday, Bethany and Charla went to the day after Thanksgiving sales at 4:00 am. That left Doug and I to keep six kids (counting a neighbor) alive and out of mischief. On Saturday, we went to the Stoney Creek Inn to visit our friends Jeff and Jeaneth and their new baby. Blake and Meredith were there too along with some of Meredith's relatives who have kids. All enjoyed the swimming pool along with Truman and Alex. On Sunday, I watched nine hours of football while finding time to be a somewhat effective parent while Bethany was at work. Today, my beautiful bride allowed me to sleep in for the first time since before we went to China. And she called to get our internet working again after a weekend of not being able to get online. I finally feel "normal" again.

Thanks to everyone who came to visit on Thanksgiving and thanks to everyone who continues to follow the saga of Truman and the Naughtons. In case you didn't know, I am writing a book based on some of my blog postings and of course I will include ample coverage of life with Truman. I think I will self-publish it to begin with and when all of you have bought a copy and I can show a major publishing house that it is a seller, then maybe I'll land a sweet deal and fund my "retirement." That's as close to a plan as I'm willing to formulate at this point in my life. Stay tuned...