August 4th Should be a National Holiday

Three world-changing events have taken place on this date in history. First and foremost, Bethany became my lovely bride on August 4, 1996. Today marks nine years of wedded bliss for us. Per her suggestion, we will be going to dinner and a movie tonight. The mushy, romantic, chick-flick that she picked to watch for her anniversary date this evening? Wedding Crashers! That's right, I can prove that I married the coolest girl in the world because she picks movies with toilet humor, bare breasts, and no sappy love scenes to watch on the anniversary of her surrender to my insanity. Thanks baby!

The second important event that happened on this date was the birth of the greatest race car driver since Richard Petty. I'm speaking of none other than Jeff Gordon. Winner of over 70 races and counting, Jeff has dominated stock car racing since his debut more than a decade ago. He was born in 1971, the same year as myself and Bill "Attica!" Herrin.

The birth of William Lynn Herrin on August 4th, 1971 is one of the most important moments in the history of the world. I shudder to think what the world would be like if Bill hadn't been born. What other 280 lb bald man could sing "Like a Virgin" at Karaoke Night? Who else but Bill could liken his freshly shorn nether-region to a freshly skinned quail's breast? Who else would have agreed to be my roommate in college, knowing full-well what they were getting themselves into?

Clearly, the world is a better place because of the events that have occurred on August 4th. Now we need to come up with a name for our new National Holiday so we can run it through congress and get another paid day off from work (for those of you that have jobs, that is). Happy Anniversary, Baby!