Last Post of '05

This is it, blog fans. This is the last post I will write this year. I am tempted to do a "year in review" thing, but that's what the archives or "Previous Bits of Wisdom/Lunacy" section of my blog is for. Instead I will look forward to the events of this weekend. Bethany and I will be in Branson with Grant and Brenda to ring in the New Year in style. We will be staying in a 5-Star resort thanks the the Barnes' time share. It will cost even less than the rates at a "No-Tell Motel" and if we sit thru their one hour sales pitch trying to get us to buy a time share, they'll pay us $50. That will more than pay for one of the three nights we are spending there. As for ringing in the New Year, we will be at the local orphanage reading to blind kids with polio and giving blood and money to the Red Cross. Getting drunk is so 1990. Its high time we did something "for the kids" for a change. Of course we'll get up early on New Year's day and go to church and then volunteer at the Branson area "Washed-Up Country and Western Singers" soup kitchen. It should be a very gratifying New Year's weekend. I hope yours will be just as good. See you in '06!

A Farewell to Hemingway...

Because it was written back in 1929, giving you ample time to read it yourself, I believe I can reveal the ending to Earnest Hemingway's "A Farewell to Arms". The lead character's wife dies after giving birth to their stillborn son. I spent the past week reading this "classic" novel inbetween Holiday get-togethers and other happy occasions only to have it end in a completely depressing manner. There were no happy endings, silver linings, or any other feel-good epilogues. 330 pages of World War I, a love story, and then everybody dies: The End. Well let me tell you, if the world is so in love with Hemingway after all these years, wait'll they get a load of me! You want romance?- I'll give you romance. You want conflict?- my cup is overflowing with conflict. Tragedy?- I got loads of tragedy. But I will do something Papa didn't: I will incorporate all of those elements into my novel, AND find a way to throw the reader a lifeline of hope so that he doesn't want to slash his wrists after reading it. Do I think I am a better writer than Hemingway? No comment. Do I think that the novel I am writing has the potential to be very, very good? You bet. Am I an egomaniac? All writers are. Why else would they bother spending months or years writing a book if they didn't think it was worth everyone's time to read it and love it? Will I win a Pulitzer and make my millions? Yes. Will I autograph your copy of my book? Of course. Stay tuned for updates and progress reports: and if anyone knows a literary agent who would like to make a pretty penny when this book tops the New York Times Bestseller List, then send them my way.

Thank You, Santa Claus

I wasn't planning on blogging today, but since Santa brought me a new high-backed, leather office chair, I thought I might as well sit in it. I also got new shoes, a couple toy cars, and some new P.J.s. Alex got everything Star Wars and was very happy. Bethany got a kitchen makeover. Nonna cooked a fine meal and Blake and Meredith (pictured with Alex) were with us as well. The Old Elf was good to us this year. I hope everyone else had a great holiday, too. I'll return to my usual rude, crude, and socially unacceptable blogging soon. (Don't forget to make your New Year's Resolutions!)

Old Friends

This week I was fortunate enough to spend time with a lot of old friends. Rob, Ned, Jason (The Fat Heads), Troy and Anita, Grant and Brenda, and this weekend Blake, Meredith, Mama, Bethany, and Alex. The best thing about this time of year is being with people you care about.

Saw King Kong with the Fat Heads. We gave it eight thumbs up! Best monster-movie ever made. Should have been rated R, so don't bring the kids.

I doubt I'll get a chance to blog again before Christmas, (I actually have to work on Christmas Eve), so Happy Holidays everbody! I will return to my full speed ahead blogging style after the holidays roll by. Until then, be safe, eat lots, and spend some quality time with old friends.

Its Official

At last my one true ambition in life has been realized: I am a Violent Farmer. Paul formally extended an invitation to me to become a contributor on his blog "I Wrote This When I Was Drunk". Click the link to read my first contribution. Enjoy!

Alex's Letter To Santa (With Daddy's Help)

More Holiday Cheer...

For your desktop wallpaper, another seasonal picture of Big Al and his sister. (Princess has her own website by the way:click here to view it. There is a link to Jake's site on there, too. Enjoy!)

Have a Cool Yule!

I hope everyone's Yuletide is gay. Actually, I don't even know what that means. I think I heard it in a song. Anyway, I thought you would like too see a festive photo of Alex the Elf. Puts you in the Christmas spirit, doesn't it? To try and capitalize on that spirit of giving I thought I would also post a photo of a 1992 Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser that is for sale locally at Mizzou Motors, (573) 657-0001. The car has 117, 000 two-owner miles, a 5.7 liter- 170 horsepower GM V-8, and is in "immaculate" condition. The dealer said the car originally belonged to the wife of Legend Automotive's co-owner Bill James. It was sold at 17,000 miles to a friend of the dealer who has it now. He claims it has been meticulously maintained. Mrs. James missed the car so much that she asked her husband to buy it back a short time after she parted with it, but was unsuccessful. Mizzou Motors, located south of Rockbridge State Park on Route N, has it listed for sale at $3500. I think that is a little high, but not unreasonable. Negotiate a little on the price, swap the wheels and tires for something with some attitude, add limo-tint to the windows and it would be a pretty sweet ride. It doesn't have the 270 horsepower Corvette motor, but since all of you will be pooling your money to buy it for me, I won't get picky about it. Thank you in advance. Merry Christmas!

I Just Gotta Be Me...

After a fair amount of deliberation and libation, I have compiled my list of New Year's Resolutions. I find it is a delicate operation trying to find the balance between "being myself" and "striving to improve myself". I think this list will go a long way toward accomplishing this feat. The items are listed in no particular order:

1. Be myself. I can do a better job of not being self-conscious and worrying about what everyone thinks of me.

2. Have a more positive attitude. I tend to get a little over-dramatic when bad things happen. I need to learn to laugh things off that bother me.

3. Buy a new suit and wear it for no good reason. Even if I only wear it to sit at the desk in my home office, it will be more gratifying than only wearing it at weddings and funerals.

4. Drink full-flavored beer again instead of that watered down stuff with half the calories and taste. Moderation will ensure that my new suit will not have to be altered to fit around a beer-gut.

5. Be honest and fair while controlling my temper. This relates to my tendency to avoid and suppress my feelings until I inevitably explode in a fit of misdirected rage.

6. Become more spiritual, not necessarily religious. I would like to learn about several different religions and spiritual sects such as Buddhism, Taoism, Christianity and Islam. Then I can present them to Alex and let him decide which he prefers.

7. Take Alex on a weekly adventure. Plan fun stuff that we will both enjoy and then blog about it to share with our fans.

8. Write a novel and have it published. I have a good start on this one already. I have a 30 chapter outline and have completed the first two chapters so far.

9. Perform one altruistic act per week and share it with my blogging faithful. Maybe I can inspire other people to do good deeds in the process.

10. Save up to buy a hot rod family cruiser. Maybe the royalties from my first book will cover it. (Of course its not too late for everyone I know to pool their money and buy me that bitchin' wagon I blogged about recently. There are only ten more shopping days till Christmas, so get it together people!)

There you have it. Ten things I can do to make 2006 "The Year of Travis!" It will be hard to top '05, but the fun will be in trying...

Social Butterflies

It was a busy weekend for your favorite blogger and family. Saturday we managed to put lights on the Christmas tree, attend the MU basketball game, and go to two parties. Who says old married people don't have as much fun? The tree is beautiful, we had free tickets in the second row of seats- dead center court while cheering the Tigers on to victory, and had a rip-roarin' good time at both parties. Then we went to St. Louis on Sunday to visit Bethany's Grandma. So, I didn't have time to blog. I don't really have time right now, either. I will devote my undivided attention to the task as soon as possible to ensure that you, the readers, are getting your money's worth. How busy would I be if I had a job?...

Karma

A while back, my Mom was awakened by a loud "crack" in the night. She searched her home for something that may have fallen and made the noise. Nothing. A week or so later she was cleaning the spare bedroom when she discovered the floor had collapsed along the exterior wall. A two-inch gap ran the length of the room and the drywall around the window and in the corners of the room was cracked. She peered into the abyss and was able to see clearly into the crawlspace under the house. She immediately alerted her landlady who said she would send someone over to look at it.

A few days later a "repairman" came over to assess the damage while Mom was at work. The landlady called Mom to say that her man believed he could fix the problem by placing a sheet of tar-paper over the crevice. Mom tried in vain to explain to the landlady (Ann) that the house was falling in on itself and needed more than a bandaid to cover up the problem. Mom asked Ann to simply come see for herself, but Ann said she trusted her handyman's opinion. Sure enough, the man crawled under the house and began his patchwork. In the process, he knocked over a curio of antique family heirlooms and elephants that Mom collected over the years, breaking many of them. Also, the crack spread into the living room, running nearly the full length of the house. The siding began to pop off of the exterior of the house as well. Mom called Ann to complain and to say that if she would just come see the damage for herself, she would know the true nature of the house's condition, which Mom deemed unsafe. Again Ann refused, saying she was too busy.

Too busy to walk 20 feet from her house to Mom's? That's right. Ann lived next door and still refused to look at the damage herself, denying that it was a big deal. So Mom looked for other housing. She found a neat place in the country with a fenced yard for her dog and some privacy for her. She needed her security deposit by move-in day or else they would rent it to someone else. So Mom told Ann that in two weeks she would be moving and that she would need her deposit back so she could apply it toward the new place. Ann refused, saying that she needed 30 days notice, that two-weeks wasn't enough. Mom lost out on the new place and began her house search anew. With three days to go until moving day, she still had not found a place to go. Ann asked, "Why did you put in your notice, then?" Mom told her it was because Ann's insistence on having 30 days notice already cost her one house, and that she didn't want that to happen again. Ann conceded that she may have made a mistake not letting Mom move early. To Mom, the admission was too little- too late.

Luckily, Mom found a place with only one day to go before moving day and she likes it very much. She has driven by the old house occasionally to see if its been fixed or rented out to some other unsuspecting soul. Today on her lunchbreak, Mom was doing a drive-by when she saw that alas, the house was gone. Wiped from the face of the earth. She guessed that a sheet of tar-paper proved to be slightly inadequate for fixing a house falling in on itself. Maybe Ann decided to take a look afterall. Some call it Karma. Mom calls it sweet justice.

The End.

First Snow

"Don't eat the yellow snow!"

Landmark Day

Today marks a milestone in my blogging career. The post you are reading is my 100th since starting this site in April. What a long, strange trip its been.

I also cashed my first paycheck in six months. Bethany actually let me keep the money. Looks like I can give her a Christmas present without a receipt attached this year!

And I checked-out my first grown-up book with my new library card (the Star Wars book didn't count, although it was pretty awesome). I borrowed "Truman Capote the Complete Collection" which is all of his short stories.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. I received my FOURTH Victoria's Secret Catalog this month. And my wife practically forced me to watch the Victoria's Secret fashion show on TV last night. I must have been a good boy this year. Thanks again, Santa.

So as you can see, it was a big day for Blog Daddy. That gives me an idea for a New Year's resolution. I could resolve to make each Wednesday in '06 a day to remember. I could try to out do whatever I did the previous Wednesday. Who knows what kinds of things I will have to do by the end of the year to out do myself. I would of course blog about it to inspire my legions of followers to live it up in the coming year. I am working on other ideas for special days, too. A blog that I found that is written by someone called "The Bored Housewife" has a regular feature on it called "Bra-less Tuesdays". She even includes photos. I won't go with that exact approach, but my point is that for each day of the week I can have a theme on my blog. As always, I will entertain your suggestions.

Paul and the Violent Farmers New #1 Hit

I am one step closer to becoming an official Violent Farmer. Paul has written a song based on input from his blogging faithful and posted it on his blog http://iwrotethiswheniwasdrunk.blogspot.com/. I contributed a verse as did many other twisted yet talented people. All I ask for is a T-shirt and backstage passes when he hits the bigtime. Check out his site, it is worth your time. (WARNING: Paul's Blog is NOT intended for those who are easily offended. If you are easily offended...then by all means PLEASE read his blog. He and I will both find that very funny.)

Dear Santa,

First of all, thank you for the three Victoria's Secret Catalogs you have already sent me this holiday season. They have really helped to get me in the Christmas spirit. Thank you in advance for the Victoria's Secret T.V. special set to air tomorrow night on CBS. I almost feel greedy asking you for anything else for Christmas, but what the Hell! I would like a 1996 Chevrolet Caprice Classic stationwagon with the optional 5.7 liter LT1 Corvette engine. I am a family guy, so it would be good to have a nice family car. That particular car has a fold down third row of seating and gets over 20 miles per gallon- so its quite practical. Of course it would be nice if it had some personalized touches. Tinted windows, low-profile tires on some bling-bling rims, a kickin' stereo, grumbly dual exhaust, a bitchin' paint job and fuzzy dice would be cool. Also, I would like world peace.

Thanks,
Travis Naughton

Like Butter...

I am on a roll. Between this blog and those of Paul, Roger, The Columbia Tribune, and Tony Messenger I have been hammering away at this keyboard at a fever pace. I have been published on the Tribune's blog three times in addition to the countless times on those of my friends. This post is the 96th time I have published to my blog since its inception in April. In that time period I have also written a few verbose e-mails to people that have had a degree of literary value as well. A couple of years ago I actually got paid for writing a few articles for the Jefferson City and Columbia Business Times. Business reporting wasn't my thing, but I did well enough that the editor continued to offer me assignments months after I officially resigned my position. Although being a blogger is not quite the same as being a professional writer, it has helped me find my voice. Maybe it has allowed me to find my calling. Could I make a living as a writer? Sure The Business Times paid me $50 to write an assigned story or two, but would people be willing to pay to read what I want to write? Dave Barry, Irma Bombeck, and Mary Roach have been pretty successful doing their own thing. So what about me? I think I will start exploring my options in the New Year. I might make it one of my Resolutions to earn an income as a writer. As always I seek input from my supporters. If you have ideas, suggestions, advice, or professional contacts, please pass them along. Right now I have a book idea that I am exploring if anyone knows a publisher who appreciates a warped mind like mine...

Do Tigers Have Antlers?

I periodically check the blog of Tony Messenger, a Columbia Tribune contributor whose right-wing tirades are usually good for a laugh. Recently he wrote a critique of the antics of Mizzou's unofficial cheerleaders the "Antlers". The comments he received were very lively and I added my two cents. Here is the link to the discussion: http://www.lenejohansen.com/tonymessenger/archives/2005/11/an_antlerssportsmanship_rant.html

Enjoy!

Shades of Grey

"Terrell Owens should be banned from football." "Pete Rose should be banned from baseball." " Tookie Williams should be put to death." "George Bush is the anti-Christ." "Quin Snyder is a loser." How many of these statements would you agree with? "Mark McGwire is a great role model for kids." "Brad and Jennifer have the perfect marriage." "The United States war with Iraq is completely justified." How many of these beliefs have you held? My point is that all too often we make the mistake of viewing our world in black and white. We take a stand, hold an opinion, and insist that things are either good or bad. I have made this mistake throughout my life. The more I stop to consider the opposing position, the less certain I am that things are always so cut and dry.

I was among the first to crucify Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens for being a first rate ass when it came to disrupting the chemistry of his football team. Most people believe he is a jerk who doesn't deserve a second or third chance at playing football in the NFL. This week, Lion's cornerback Dre Bly blamed the firing of Coach Mariucci on the pathetic play of quarterback Joey Harrington. He criticized his team's leader in a public manner just as T. O. did a few weeks earlier. Yet no one is calling for his ban from football. Why? Because he's partially right? It shouldn't matter if he is right or not, the statements should never have been made to the press by either player. So are Owens and Bly "bad guys" undeserving of further opportunities in the League? Chicago Bears linebacker Dick Butkis once bit a referee on the nose during a game. Yet he continued to play, was voted to the Hall of Fame, and is often referred to as a hero by his fans. Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to decide that Owens or Bly are good or bad. Maybe they are merely human beings instead of the "heroes" that fans have placed upon pedestals only to be inevitably knocked off of. They have families, work with charities, and have hopes and dreams just like everyone else. Seldom do we pause to consider that whether they are making a big play in a game or an ass of themselves at a press conference they are still just people doing the best they can to make it in this world.

The case of Stan "Tookie" Williams is a poignant example of what I mean by asking, "Is he good or bad?". Williams is the founder of the most notorious street gang in America, the Cryps. He was convicted of four counts of murder in the late 1970's and has been on Death Row ever since. During his time in California's San Quentin Prison, he has become an outspoken anti-gang activist. He has influenced countless young people to stay away from gangs by writing several books cautioning kids against the lifestyle. He has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts in preventing kids from destroying lives by joining gangs. He is scheduled to be executed in two weeks.

My point is that all too often, people rush to judgment on a person or situation and stand by that position no matter what. It is my opinion that people are rarely completely good or bad and that their true nature lies somewhere inbetween. Before you rush to judge someone remember that unless you know everything about that person, you probably are in no position to judge their character. "Judge not, lest thee be judged." "Let he who has no sin cast the first stone." I know I'm quick to judge sometimes. Later I usually regret being so sure of myself when I discover that I really didn't have enough information to form such an opinion. Perhaps we could all be less hasty to condemn or idolize and more diligent in our search for the real nature of people. What do you think?

Old Years Resolutions

It isn't too early to start pondering New Year's Resolutions for 2006. Most of us think of one or two of them while our brains turn to mush as the New Year's Eve Parties get going. Few of us take the time to really think about what we want to accomplish in the New Year. Fewer still actually write down their resolutions and periodically refer to them to monitor their progress. In recent years, I have written mine and have managed to accomplish many of them. My list for 2005 reads as follows:

1. "Eat smaller portions." I think I did a pretty good job of this one. Of course I allowed myself occasional "Belly up to the trough" style pizza binges. Thanksgiving and other holidays are automatic exemptions. So I would say that on a scale of 1 to 10 on how well I did with this resolution I would give myself a 7.

2. "Drink only 'light' beer and 'diet' soda." This was the companion resolution to #1 with the goal of limiting my caloric intake. It was tough going from tasty dark beers to watered down lights, but I think it was a good idea. Compliance rating: 9.

3. "Walk or exercise 2 to 3 times per week." I was doing really well on this one until a bolt of lightning hit our house and killed our treadmill. I was running 30 or more minutes a day 3 or 4 days a week at my peak. Then Mother Nature intervened and I slowed my level of physical activity to pre- 2005 levels. Success rating: 5.

4. "Build a treehouse, clubhouse, or moonshine shack." Let's just say, the year ain't over yet...

5. "Be a more patient father and husband." I read a parenting book this year that showed me how better to handle my son when he acts inappropriately, which was a major source of stress and patience worn thin at our house. It simply suggested pretending that my son is an alien from another planet. You wouldn't expect an alien to behave appropriately according to earth customs in every situation he is presented with. You wouldn't scream at an Alien in Walmart if he threw a fit at the checkout counter because he wanted a piece of candy. You would simply explain that here on earth, we don't behave that way. You wouldn't expect him to learn earth's customs and nuances immediately, but instead would allow for him to adjust to our culture. You certainly wouldn't spank an alien for behaving badly at a wedding. You would explain to him that here on earth, we let the groom kiss the bride first, etc. So when Alex does something that is not acceptable I try to explain to him that here on earth we don't behave that way. It works. Since my stress levels go down as my patience levels go up, I become a better husband, too. Success rating: 9.

6. "Be a more attentive father and husband." You have to make a deliberate effort to listen to your family, play with your kid's toys, support your wife's quest to ride in a 150 mile bike tour. You have to pay attention and get involved in the things that make your family happy. Simply nodding your head and saying, "That's nice, dear" are not enough. You only have a precious few opportunities to make your child's day by being "into" whatever it is he's "into". Take advantage. Success rating: 8.

7. "Publish a children's book." Although it has not been published, I co-wrote a kid's book about the history of Thanksgiving with Alex. Last year I wrote a book called, "Sometimes I Make Bad Choices." It tells about a few of Alex's exploits and that "Mommy and Daddy love me... even when I make bad choices." Either book may become published but if not, I think I still did OK with this one. Compliance rating: 8.

8. "Have more fun." This was the "Summer of Travis," afterall. Level of accomplishment: 10.

9. "Live my life outloud." Simply put, this means don't be afraid of being yourself. Don't worry about being embarrassed. Speak your mind. Wear your emotions on your sleeve. Be outgoing. Be impulsive. Live outloud. This blog is a great tool for accomplishing that goal. Success level: 10.

10. "Use the word 'ginormous' (giant and enormous) at least once a day." Lost interest after February or so. Compliance rating: 2.

There you have it. I think I did pretty good overall this year. I will start thinking of next year's goals and turn them into resolutions. Then I will post them on this blog for all the world to see. That way I will be able to turn my readers into compliance monitors to make sure that I remain on task. Until then, I will revert to my idiodic and hopefully humorous posts that you all have come to know and love.

Let the Insanity Begin!

Ah, the Holidays... Its time to get a little crazy! One would think that this time of year is a chance to relax, take vacations, and enjoy some of that "Peace on Earth" stuff people are always singing about. WRONG!!! Riots at Walmart, holiday travel nightmares, hiding from that crazy relative at the family get-together... "Its the most wonderful time- of the year!" Its a good thing I stocked up on rest and relaxation this summer. I don't think they are selling that at Walmart. We had 17 people at our house for Thanksgiving (and were Thankful for them). Add 5 dogs, 4 cats, and 2 goats to that and you get the picture. Then we traveled to another family Thanksgiving today that included 14 more people, 2 more dogs, and a parakeet. I'm not complaining, it is good to spend time with the family. I'm just saying its a busy time of year. I keep telling myself, "Serenity now, Insanity later."

In other news, I got my first ever library card this week. It took 34 years, but I did it. The first book I checked out? Star Wars labyrinth of Evil. I may be a geek, but at least I can read a 340 page book. Also this week I managed to work at an actual job for three days. It was tough, but I had beer waiting for me when I got home, so I got through it. Also, I have to submit to more testing by the "Why can't you make a baby?" folks at Capital Region Hospital in the coming weeks. Then it will be time to see Dr. Pineapple Fingers again for a follow-up and HANDS-OFF visit to discuss "options". By then we will all be immersed in Christmas preparations, parties, shopping, and more family get-togethers. After that, Bethany and I will be driving to Branson to join Grant and Brenda for a stay at the Big Cedar Lodge for a couple of days of actual relaxation for New Year's. I am already working on my resolutions...

Never Too Busy To Blog

I am blogging from the manager's desk at work. Yes, I am being paid to blog right now. After the owners of the store read this, I may not be asked to work again, but I had to do it for my fans. I take these risks because I know you count on me to keep you entertained. Is it dangerous? You bet. Could I get fired? Doubtful. I am living on the edge alright. I will post a full length blog as soon as I begin my winter sabbatical. I will enjoy a month off and then work a six hour shift on Christmas Eve. I know, I'm a trooper.

Mr. Naughton Goes to Work

Its been so long since I last put in a day of working for "the Man" that I can't remember when I retired from the workforce. I think it was back in the spring because I remember declaring that this past summer was to be "The Summer of Travis!". At any rate, just for kicks I thought it would be fun to work a few days at the old Doggie Empawrium to cover for the girls who are going home for Thanksgiving break. That's right, I have been unemployed for so long that I will be working three days this week just for fun. Oh sure the money's nice (I'll make roughly as much in three days as Bethany would in one), but that's not why I am doing it. No, I am working so that I can get out of the house and spend some time with adults for a change. Only then will I be ready to go back into retirement with a renewed vigor. Its not easy being me. Staying up till 1:00am playing on the computer, sleeping in till 9:00am...its tough! Rolling out of bed at about 9:30 or so, drinking coffee while listening to tunes and watching the birds, playing with Alex, goin' fishin', eating lunch, taking naps, playing video games, eating dinner, staying up till one in the morning...its a rigorous schedule. You can see why I need to recharge my batteries once in a while. To continue enjoying my fast-paced lifestyle I need to periodically take a step back and get some perspective. The task of working in the "real world" for a few days should do the trick. In case you need to buy dog treats, I will be working Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. Come in and say "Hi". And wish me luck.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

While you stuff yourself as full as the turkey you are eating this Thursday, it is wise to pause to reflect upon the meaning of this truly American holiday. Fleeing religious intolerance, the Pilgrims sailed to America in 1620. They were greeted by local natives who taught them how to grow corn and find other food. Half of the Pilgrims died that first winter, but by the next harvest, a bounty of corn and game was collected. The Pilgrims invited their Indian friends to a feast to celebrate their good fortune and to give thanks to the Indians and God for their survival. Nowadays, some people will tell you that it is politically incorrect to call Native Americans "Indians" and that Thanksgiving is only a holiday for the "White Man" because of they way Indians have been exploited. I disagree. Its true, Native Americans were decimated by disease and war brought forth by whites in the years following the arrival of Europeans. However, I think Thanksgiving should be an official tribute to Native Americans as a means to honor them for helping the Colonists survive in the infancy of America. It should also honor those Native Americans who died defending their lands against the spread of the early United States when our government broke treaty after treaty. Also, Native Americans have served admirably in the United States armed forces most notably as elite code talkers during World War II. We as a country owe our very existence to the Native peoples who were here before us. They taught us how to use the local natural resources to survive, they gave up their native lands for our burgeoning population, and they fought for America against our enemies. Over the years, our perception of the meaning of Thanksgiving has changed. In 1789, George Washington declared a day of thanks for surviving the Revolutionary War. Over the years, it became a day to give thanks for anything and everything. Ultimately, it became an occasion to get together with family, eat a lot of food, and fall asleep watching football. I think all of that is fine, as long as we remember why we began celebrating this day in the first place: To thank our lucky stars and Native Americans for allowing us to live in the greatest country in the world. (Alex and I wrote a little story about Thanksgiving. The picture is a page from our book.)

Parental Progress Report

How can a parent judge how well they are raising their child? Take him to a playground and see how he interacts with other kids. This test is especially helpful for those of us who don't get out much. Today, Alex was at Twin Lakes City Park when 4 kids showed up. The bigger kids left their little brother behind on the playground while they fed the geese. Alex stayed with the little one and kept him entertained. When the little boy couldn't crawl on top of a piece of equipment Alex explained how to do it and when that didn't work he actually picked him up. I was proud of how thoughtful he was. When the other kids came back they all started playing and talking. The following is a partial transcript of their conversation.

Little Girl: How old are you?

Alex: I'm five.

Girl: Well I'm 6 and he's 7, so we're older than you.

Alex: Yeah because 6 is more than 5. And 7 is more than 6.

Girl: Well, you're not as old as we are.

(They play for a while and then Alex tries to show the kids a dinosaur fossil on the plastic rock wall.)

Alex: Hey guys come here. I want to show you something.

Older boy: We know. Its a dinosaur bone.

Alex: Do you know how the dinosaurs died?

Girl: No, do you?

Alex: A big meteor crashed to the earth and made lots of dirt go up in the air and all the plants died and then
the dinosaurs died.

Girl: Oh.

The Kids' Mom: How did you know that, Alex?

Alex: I learned it in my history book.

Mom: Wow, that's really good. What kind of dinosaur is that fossil from?

Alex: I think its a brontosaurus.

Mom: Is that written beside it?

Alex: No, I could just tell that's what it is.

Girl: Well if you're so smart, what do cheetahs eat?

Alex: They eat other cheetahs.

Girl: No they don't.

Older boy: Well they might, but not usually.

Girl: What eats lions?

Alex: Cheetahs.

Girl: No they don't.

Older boy: They could eat them if they're already dead.

Girl: Vultures eat dead lions. You're not smart.

Alex: Hyenas eat dead lions. You're not smart.

Girl: No they don't. See, you're not smart.

Alex: I am so smart I'm smarter than my dad even.

Oldest boy: You're not smart. I'm smart.

Alex: You're not smart, I'm smart.

Girl: You can't be smart if you think cheetahs eat lions.

At that point I finally interjected, "How do you know cheetahs don't eat lions? Have you ever been around cheetahs and lions?"

Girl: No.

Alex: See, you're not smart.

Me: You're all smart, you just know different things. Alex, its time to go.

Older boy: I'm smarter than you.

Alex: I'm smarter than you.

Me: Let's go son.

As we walked to the car, I whispered to my son: If you are going to argue with someone about who is the smartest, you should know what you're talking about. Cheetahs probably don't eat lions. They eat gazells and smaller prey. You shouldn't be arguing about who's smartest anyway.

We turned to see the kids approaching so we walked toward them. The boys were trying to say that they were sorry, but their apologies were drowned out by the little girl going on and on about something. I have no idea what she was saying and Alex had his hands over his ears to shut her out. I told him to ignore her and listen to the boys. He did, and then he said sorry too. Then we left. On the way to the car I said: That was nice of them to say sorry.

Alex: Man, I get tired of hearing her babbling on and on...blah, blah, blabitty, blah-blah!

Me: Get in the car, son.

"There is much fear in you I sense."

"Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering." This nugget of wisdom could have been uttered by Dr. King, the Dali Lama, or Gandhi, but it wasn't. It was Jedi Master Yoda to a young and ambitious Luke Skywalker. If one wonders why we are at war with Iraq and at odds with the rest of the Middle East, one needs only to contemplate the teachings of Master Yoda and the lessons we can learn from Star Wars. After creating panic in the Republic by secretly de-stabilizing the political landscape of the Galaxy, Chancellor Palpatine played on the fear of well intentioned Galactic Senators to vote emergency powers to the soon to be emperor to defend against a fabricated enemy. He misled the Senate into believing that the Droid Army of the Trade Federation was planning to attack the Republic. This led to a bloody war instigated by the Chancellor himself and an opportunistic abuse of power by the leader of the Republic. Anger and hate spread throughout the new Empire and led to unimaginable suffering in the Galaxy. Sound familiar? Playing off of the fear that Americans had of Arab people after 9/11, the Bush administration enticed the Congress to vote for emergency powers (The Patriot Act) to defend the US from its enemies. This act trampled on civil liberties while the President focused the people's anger on a fabricated enemy, Iraq. He misled the Congress into believing Saddam Hussein was planning to use WMD's to attack America. This led to a bloody and unpopular war instigated by the President himself and an opportunistic abuse of power by the leader of our country. Anger and hate for all things Arabic have spread throughout America and have led to unimaginable suffering in the Middle East. Yoda was right. Fear led to anger, to hate, and to suffering in the Star Wars world and in our own. Fear and distrust of the Jedi Order was sparked by the Dark Lord of the Sith. Our fear and distrust of Arabs was sparked by Osama Bin Laden and built upon by President Bush. The leader of the Galactic Republic and our own president turned that fear into misdirected anger and hate and led our Republics into dark times. Only when a true hero, Luke Skywalker stepped forward was Evil defeated in Star Wars. Who will be our hero? Who among us will step forward and bring peace to our world?

If You Only Knew the Power of the Blog Side...

I would like to thank my legions of devoted followers who take the calculated risk of reading my blog on a daily basis. I feel all warm and fuzzy knowing that you satisfy your morbid curiosity by peeking into the dark and frightening recesses of my mind. But its not enough! I need you to spread my manic rantings to the far reaches of the universe. Click on the little envelope icon at the bottom of each post to e-mail the link to your friends. You can even send it to your own e-mail account and then forward it to everyone in your address book. Send it to your friends. Send it to your enemies. "Join me Luke, and together we shall rule the Galaxy! It is your destiny..."

Paging Dr. Naughton... Dr. Blake Naughton...

As I surf the web during my countless hours of free time I occasionally encounter a web site that I feel compelled to share with you, my devoted followers. Click on this link to find further evidence of the superior Naughton intellect shared by my brother Blake. (Although I am hoarding the superior Naughton good looks.)

Happy Birthday, Paw-Paw Butch!

Today, my dad hits the big 6-0! He is spending his special day at work, educating the youth. I thought I would take this time to tell him (and you) what I think about him. My dad is the last of the true dreamers. Like most of us in our youth, Dad declared that he wanted to "make the world a better place." How many of us actually went out and tried to do that, though? Dad volunteered to join the Marine Corps during the Vietnam War. He felt that helping his country defend freedom was a good way for a young person to make the world better. The politics of the war got ugly during those times, and Dad felt that his country turned its back on him and his fellow veterans. Did that make him selfish and jaded? No, he decided to give even more to his country by becoming an educator. Teachers are possibly the only professionals as underappreciated as Vietnam Vets. But Dad wanted to make the world a better place, and he knew that shaping the lives of younger generations would help achieve his goal. Over the next three decades he has been a teacher, a coach, a principal, and now an advisor to future teachers in college. During his career he has seen the politics of education change from one extreme to the other yet he has managed to devoted himself to fighting through the bureaucracy and remain focused on the student. He influenced me to become a fun and involved father and has influenced his second born son to follow in his ideological footsteps in education. He is loved by his family and has inspired thousands of young people throughout his career to also do their part in making the world a better place. So I would say, "Dad, you did it. The world is better for having you in it. On behalf of all of those whom you have affected in a positive way, thank you and Happy Birthday."

A Series of Unfortunate Events

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS AN EXPLICIT ACCOUNT OF MY RECENT VISIT TO THE UROLOGIST. IT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR YOUNGER READERS, OLDER READERS, OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!! As many of you may know, Bethany and I have been fighting a losing battle in trying to conceive a younger sibling for Alex. After much procrastination, I finally had my "arsenal" checked out to see if I was using "live ammuntion" in the Battle for Baby. Yesterday I discussed the results with a doctor and underwent a subsequent "physical examination". (It turns out that I am NOT firing live ammo, hence the necessity for the exam.) By "physical examination" I mean "horrific torture session". Abu Ghraib prisoners would choose Lyndie England any day of the week over Dr. Broomstick Fingers. In case you didn't know, in order to check a man's prostrate health, a specially trained CIA operative with a passion for inflicting immeasurable amounts of pain straps on a latex glove, dabs an insignificant amount of "lubricant" on his finger, and... let's just say that he ignores the "Exit Only" sign! That sounds pretty bad, right? Did I mention that Dr. Pineapple Fingers was 6'6" tall with two catcher's mitts for hands? Did I mention EXIT ONLY!?!?! I guess he felt a little sympathy for me judging by the "Sorry about that," that he mumbled as I lay whimpering while curled up in the fetal position on the examination table. To make matters much, much worse, (and I am re-issuing my warning to those readers who may be scarred for life by reading this), I had to confess to Dr. Tree Trunk Fingers that the ten Taco Bell tacos I had for dinner the night before had spent the better part of the morning evacuating my body from the very EXIT ONLY that he had just driven a Volkswagon in to. Talk about "WRONG WAY- DO NOT ENTER!!! To say that the affected area was tender would be a gross understatement. Anyway, after he was done, I wiped the tears from my eyes and got dressed. He told me that I am physically fine, although it will take me years for my emotional scars to heal after our little visit. He scheduled two more sample donations and a follow up visit to confirm his findings. That's all the GOOD news. The bad news is that Alex will probably remain an only child and will have no little brother or sister to divert his father's insanity to. Poor kid.

Another Reason to Hate Kansas

The famous Missouri outlaw Jesse James led raids against people who had the misfortune of calling Kansas home. The Missouri Tigers and the Kansas Jayhawks have the second oldest rivalry in all of college football (and one of the most bitter). Norm Stewart hated the state of Kansas so much that he never spent a single night there in all the 33 years he coached the Tigers basketball team against KU and K-State (he didn't want to spend any money in their damned state). Now, the Kansas Board of Education has given us yet another excuse to despise our ignorant neighbors to the west. They have voted to de-emphasise the science of evolution in their classrooms by teaching "intelligent design". http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9967813/ "Intelligent Design" is the new, politically correct term for "Creationism". Creationism is NOT science, it is religion and therefore is in direct violation of the Constitutional separation of Church and State. In Kansas, teachers are now free to impose their religious beliefs upon their students by telling them that God created all life and that evolution hasn't been taking place on our planet over the past 4 or 5 billion years. I guess the fossil record and all of the scientific journals written since Darwin's revolutionary discoveries are all part of the "Liberal Media Conspiracy" that the Fox News Channel keeps telling me about. Missourians should take a great deal of delight in finding yet another reason to hate Kansas. (As if we needed one!)

The Shining

One of my favorite movies is Stephen King's "The Shining." Jack Nicholson plays a writer who goes insane while holed up in the woods bent over a typewriter trying to write the Great American Novel. As you know, I spend a lot of time holed up in my wooded hideaway here in the Hartsburg Hills. Just like Nicholson's character I also spend a great deal of time fighting writer's block and madness while trying to type something meaningful or entertaining. He used a typewriter, I use a computer. He had a loving wife and a young son. I have a loving wife and a young son. He had an axe. I have an axe. OK, bad analogy. Anyway, the way I see it is that writer's block and extreme seclusion caused Jack to go crazy. Your task is to prevent this from happening to me. Post story ideas on this blog for me to pursue and make sure I get out of the house this winter. The Naughton family is counting on you!

Batman Begins

With a Joker for a dad, it was a natural choice for Alex to be Batman for Halloween.

Garth Raider-Darth Vader

Fire Coach Stinkle, Coach Q, and The Man!

Does anyone remember why Mizzou Athletic Director Mike Alden fired head football coach Larry Smith? Remember Smith leading the Tigers to their first winning season in over 10 years? He led them to two bowl games. He led them to their first bowl win in almost 20 years. And then he lost the Homecoming game in 2000 to Kansas. He was fired at the end of the season. Many felt like Alden used losing to KU as an excuse to fire Smith so that he could hire his own man, Gary Pinkel. Smith may have only won 26 games in his five years here, but his predecessor Bob Stull only managed 15 wins in five years. In fact, he won more games than the previous two coaches. Prior to coming to Missouri, Smith was the head coach of the USC Trojans and led them to a victory in the Rose Bowl. That's not a bad resume. Gary Pinkel has accumulated only 22 wins in his five years here. If MU wins against Colorado, K-State, Baylor, and a bowl opponent he will only manage to tie Larry Smith statistically. He has never won a bowl game, much less the Grandaddy of them all, the Rose Bowl. So, to be fair to Coach Smith and the Mizzou fans, if Gary Pinkel loses one more game this year he should be fired. Pinkel's teams have lost three straight years to archrival Kansas. That is enough of an excuse to get rid of him. The following link is to a story that sums up the MU-KU story nicely. http://http://www.810whb.com/scripts/archives/getStory.asp?article=11160 Its hard to find a less inventive offense than Gary Pinkel's. Yes, he has won against Nebraska twice, but if you watched those games you know that Brad Smith played two of the greatest games in Mizzou history to win those games. Little credit can go to Pinkel for calling "Quarterback Scramble" 50 times a game.

As far as basketball is concerned, this will be the 100th year of MU hoops. Let the celebration begin. It will be another nightmare year for Coach Snyder. He has a team of nobodys, lingering effects from being placed on NCAA probation for rules violations, and a knack for missing the NCAA Tournement. As soon as this season is over, he will be fired. Alden forced legendary coach Norm Stewart out in order to bring in his own man. That strategy just doesn't seem to be working for the athletic director. If the MU Board of Curators is interested in improving the althletic department while raising ticket prices, parking pass prices, and tuition every year, then they will have to make a radical change. Mike Alden will have to pack his bags while helping Pinkel and Snyder pack theirs, too. Winning isn't everything, but when it costs more each year to attend the University and watch Mizzou sports, AND the University is in the middle of a fund-raising initiative to raise ONE BILLION DOLLARS from private contributions to improve the school, is it too much to ask for a winning program with real leadership?

Happy Halloween

The 2005 holiday season officially begins Monday night with Halloween. "Is Halloween really a part of the Holidays?" you ask. Just go to Wal-mart for your answer. When we looked at costumes for Alex, we found Christmas decorations FIRST! But I'm not complaining. I would keep our house decorated for Christmas all year if Bethany would let me. In our society, people wait for an excuse to act concerned for one another. Whether its reaction to a hurricane or the arrival of Christmas, we act nicer to each other and let our guard down a little during designated times of goodwill toward man. I include Halloween in that category. Parents go trick-or-treating with their kids, people have parties, mass quantities of seasonal treats are consumed. Most people consider Thanksgiving the official start of the holiday season. Not me. Its Halloween for sure. This year, Alex is going to be Batman. Last year he was a Spiderman Cowboy. He got a lot of points for originality. Because he toned it down this year, I will be taking up the slack for him. I will be Garth Raider (Darth Vader). Black cowboy hat, belt, and boots; Darth Vader mask, light saber, and cape; and Oakland Raiders shirt, pants, and jacket. Bethany will be masquerading as an embarrassed wife. We'll be sure to take lots of pictures!

Flying Pigs

Forgive me Father, it has been five days since my last blog entry. (I'm not Catholic, so that is as close to a confessional as I will get.) Since I last blogged, the Tigers beat Nebraska, the White Sox won the World Series, and pigs began to fly. Who would have bet that in back-to-back years, a "cursed" baseball team that hasn't won a World Series in decades and who has the word "Sox" in its name would sweep a team from the National League Central? What are the odds? What are the odds that the Missouri Tigers would beat the Nebraska Cornhuskers 41 to 24 the past two times the teams played at Faurot Field (the only two wins Mizzou has posted against the Huskers in decades)? Have we stepped into the Twilight Zone? What's next? Will the Chiefs win the Superbowl? Will the Democrats win the White House? Will I ever get a job?! Not likely, but it is the prospect of doing the improbable that makes life interesting. Afterall, if we know who will win or what the outcome will be, why would we bother to watch? Isn't that why you keep reading this blog?!

"The Journal" Resurrected

Bill "Mr. Technology" Herrin has done it! He has published The Journal of our 1993 road trip to Vegas on a weblog for all the world to enjoy. It is 47 pages long, so you may want to read a page or two per day, or you may become so enthralled by the drama that you will want to read it from start to finish. Just click on the link to the right of this blog called "Bill and Trav's Excellent Adventure". Click a page to enlarge the photo. Once it is loaded you can move the pointer to it and click on the enlarging tool that pops up to make it appear in its original size (much easier to read). Feel free to post comments and forward the link to everyone you know. "Wait'll they get a load of us...Wait'll!"

Bill and Trav's Excellent Adventure

For those of you who have followed "The Life and Times of Travis Naughton and Bill Herrin" over the past 20 or so years, you may remember an epic road trip that Bill and I went on back in 1993. We chronicled our adventures in a notebook that we called "The Journal". Over the years, the Journal has deteriorated (as have Bill and I), so we decided to preserve it in a permanent format. In the next few days, Bill will have scanned and published all 47 pages of the Journal to a new blog for all the world to enjoy. You will be able to click a link on my blog to access the site. So stay tuned for the launch of the "Virtual Journal" and be sure to tell your friends. They'll be glad you did.

MVP

Last night, Albert Pujols proved to the baseball world that he is beyond a shadow of a doubt, the greatest player in the game today. Down by two runs with two outs in the ninth inning and his team facing elimination from the playoffs, Pujols hit a 3-run home run off of the best relief pitcher in baseball to give the Cardinals a miraculous victory and momentum that will hopefully carry them to the World Series. To call the hit a "blast" is an understatement as the ball hit the windows of the facade of the stadium and then bounced around in the rafters supporting the roof. The official distance was "only" 418 feet, but it went a full 100 feet farther than the 3-run homer that Lance Berkman hit to give the Astros a 2-run lead in the 7th inning. Drama is nothing new to Albert. Pujols has been the most productive hitter over the first five seasons of a career than anyone in the history of the game. His post season performances are making him a legend before our very eyes. Albert Pujols is the MVP.

Wait Till Your Mother Gets Home!

"What kind of dad are you?!" That's what Alex says that Mommy will say when she sees this picture. You gotta ask yourself, "Are the inmates running the asylum or what?" Most definitely.

Home Sweet Home

Its amazing what a little elbow grease can do...

The Fruits of Our Labor

What a difference...

Before and After

A picture is worth a thousand words...

Six Years of Work in One Week

We have lived in our home for over six years now. It was only a year or two old when we bought it, so it didn't need a lot of work to "fix it up." That fact would prove to be our downfall. We got lazy over the next few years and since the house needed very little attention, we gave it very little attention. Our eight year old decks had not received a single drop of stain or water-seal until this week. Our gutters had NEVER been cleaned out. Our siding had only been de-mildewed once. The house was in a sad state of affairs. So Bethany took a week off from work to spend some quality time with Alex and me and to help take on these projects. We powerwashed the decks and the siding, scrubbed and bleached the siding, cleaned out the gutters, stained the decks, installed shutters, mowed the yard, added 480 lbs of mulch to the landscaped areas, and put up a 96' long white pickett fence along the yard. Who knew you could do six years worth of home improvements in one week? (I will post before and after pictures soon.) Special thanks to my Mommy for her help with the decks and shutters! I just hope it will be another six years before Bethany decides to take another "vacation."

You Can't Pick Your Friends

My Momma always says, "Everything happens for a reason." Does this mean she believes in fate? In philosophical terms is she a determinist? Are we determined or are we free? I don't know the answers to any of these questions, but every now and then an odd series of coincidences gets me thinking. A few weeks ago at a Mizzou tailgate party, my friend John Briscoe played a Robert Earl Keen CD while we were hanging out waiting for kickoff. It was a great CD of good ol', southern-fried, beer and blues country. The next week another good friend Doug Hurt invited me to my first Wilco concert in downtown Columbia. It was sort of southern fried rock-a-billy with a good dose of rock and blues. It was great. These two friends are old buddies from growing up in Hannibal. It is cool the way distance and time have not been able to stop us from getting together to listen to a good band or drink a few beers. Of course I have made new friends since moving to Columbia including a fun group of guys I lose money to while playing poker. Thanks to my friend Jerry Putting, I met Paul Shields and Roger Phillips. In the world of strange coincidences, fate, or just sheer accidents, Paul just saw Wilco in concert in Texas at the Austin City Limits Festival within a week of me seeing them and wrote about the experience on his blog (Click "Paul's Blog" link). Roger commented that he hoped Paul had been able to catch the Robert Earl Keen concert as well. Weird, huh? It gets weirder.

Paul and Rog have been friends for years, as have John and Doug. Although the two pairs of friends have never met, they have more in common than they could imagine. They all enjoy good music. All but John are accomplished guitar players. They all enjoy drinking a few beers with their buddies. They all lived in Warrensburg in the 1990's. And of course, they all are friends with me. (Lucky them.) Is it coincidence that in three weeks time, all four of these guys mentioned their affection for these two bands? Is it dumb luck that all four have similar political views as well as taste in music? Is it just plain freaky that they all went to CMSU? Is it fate that they have become my friends? It may be. Could it be true that you really can't pick your friends? It seems that fate may have done the picking in this case. If Mom is right that everything happens for a reason, then what reason could there be for us to be brought together and unleashed upon the world? What more does fate have in store? As Briscoe likes to say, "Wait'll they get a load of us... Wait'll."

Big Boy Turns Five

Yesterday was Alex's 5th birthday. It doesn't seem possible that its been half a decade since he was born. He has grown into a funny, smart, and ornery little guy. (Just like his dad.) For his birthday he received Star Wars toys, a guitar, a truck, and more. (These all could have worked as presents for my birthday as well.) His party was at Cici's Pizza (per his request) and a good time was had by all.

A Blog a Day...

I have nothing of any significance to write today. However, if I don't post a new message regularly, I might lose my audience. I know that there are literally millions of fans out there who have come to count on my daily bits of wit and wisdom to help get them through day after day of their otherwise meaningless lives. You can count on me to continue to be your reason to live. When nothing else is worth waking up for, at least you can look forward to reading my blog every day. I'm happy to do this for you. Its my way of making the world a better place.

Birthday Surprises

First, I woke up to breakfast in bed this morning. Chocolate pancakes with marshmallows cooked right in. (Thank you Bethany and Alex!) Then, I got to watch golf, football, and car racing with no interruptions. For dinner I ate a perfect ribeye steak, red potatoes, and a salad. (Thanks Bethany and Glee!) For dessert I ate angel food cake with chocolate icing and peanut butter cup and fudge ice cream. (Thanks Mommy!) Then, my Mommy gave me a sweet Mizzou pullover for tailgating season. Bethany and Alex gave me the new NCAA Football game for PS2. And in addition to the guitar instruction DVD's that my Mommy-in -Law gave me, she also blessed me with an authentic Steve Urkel doll. Yes, you read that correctly. (See photo.) She said the picture of me that I posted on this blog just yesterday bore such a striking resemblence to Urkel that she couldn't resist buying the doll for me. Thank you to all of my family for the great gifts, cards, and phone calls. Today was filled with lots of fun and surprises. I can't wait to see the look on Bethany's face when she wakes up in the middle of the night and sees Urkel smiling at her..."Surprise!"

Another Year Older, And Better Looking

Some things do get better with age. Take me for example. In grade school I wore Garanimals and had a wicked 1970's hair cut. In junior high I wore parachute pants and a "Where's the Beef?" t-shirt. In high school I wore turtlenecks that made my "bitchin' mullet" look even more ridiculous than it already was. I later had a braided pony tail that made me look almost as cool as Jordan from New Kids on the Block. But now, look at me. I look good. Women want to be with me and men want to be me. College girls shamelessly throw themselves at me. My wife can barely make it through a day at work without getting fired because she daydreams incessantly about me. How lucky must she feel to be married to a handsome stud like me who keeps her feeling young in her old age!

Only three more shopping days 'till...

That's right kids, there are only a few more days to find that perfect gift for yours truly. My birthday is on Sunday the 25th. I will be at least 21 years old. I would like 3-inch dual exhausts with deafening glass packs for my 1996 Crown Vic cop car. I would like a CD player and tinted windows as well. I would also accept a Black, 1957 Chevrolet Nomad with the afformentioned customizations. These are just suggestions. If you want to give me something a little less materialistic, you can donate to the Hurricane Katrina Fund in my name.

The things I do NOT want for my birthday include, but are not limited to, eyeglasses, a cane, knee replacements, or Depends Undergarments. I am still a young man despite what my son thinks! Let's face it, if I shaved more than once a week I could still pass for a high school student. Can you say "21 Jump Street"?! Thank you in advance for all my wonderful gifts. I will allow a select few of my female friends to administer the obligatory birthday spankin' by appointment only. I will reveal my true age then so you can get the number of swats correct. (I wouldn't want to get cheated.) So post your comments here to sign up, ladies. Its good to be the birthday boy!

Life is a Circus

Tonight, we are taking Alex to his first circus. Although it is a small, unknown troupe that is a far cry from Ringling Brothers, it can be a valuable teaching tool for our son. It will give him a clue of what to expect when he goes to school next year. First there is the Ringleader. He is the one who appears to be in charge of everything that happens at the circus. He tells the audience what is happening and seems to "direct" activity under the big top. Alex will encounter people like this when he goes to school. There is a kid in every class who takes center stage and acts like he is the boss of everyone. He also has a knack for talking a lot. Alex may fill this role himself when he goes to Kindergarten. Next there are the performers themselves. They live for attention and perform dangerous or even stupid stunts just to get noticed. That sounds like Alex, too. He'll probably jump off the merry-go-round or the top of the slide to impress his buddies. Hopefully he won't try sword-swallowing, fire-breathing, or lion-taming. I could see him trying a trapeze act on the swingset, though. Then we have the clowns. What better word is there to describe my son (or his father)? There is always that one kid in class who will do anything to get a laugh. He will "read" the blank page at the front of a text book to crack up the nerdy guy sitting next to him. He will put a Playboy Centerfold in the projector screen so that when the teacher unrolls it for some boring filmstrip, the class will get a special surprise. He will make fart noises in the back of the room after everyone falls silent during an important test. Am I talking about Alex or myself? At any rate, going to the circus (or school) prepares a kid for what to expect in life. I hope he enjoys it as much as I did when I was a kid. I hope they have cotton candy!

"I need to ice my crotch."

My beautiful wife Bethany survived her 150 mile, cycling odyssey this weekend. She and her friend Janine (that's probably spelled incorrectly) were the only two riders of their six member team from Capital Region Medical Center who completed the entire trek. Bethany hadn't ridden a bike in nearly ten years and was considered "least likely to finish" the event by a few nay-sayers. But with the help of her friends, she trained for over a month to get in shape. She also received a shiny, new bike for her birthday from her #1 fan so that she could ride in style while proving her doubters wrong. She did this both for herself and to raise money for the fight against Multiple Sclerosis. It is not too late to "sponsor" her effort. You can click on the following link before October 31 to donate in her name. https://www.nationalmssociety.org/MOS/personal/default.asp?pa=52695428&pd=MOS0EMS120050910COM

As proud of her as I am, and as sexy as she looked on that bike, my enthusiasm could only be diminished by her quote upon the completion of her ride. "I need to ice my crotch," she proclaimed in response to her bike seat rubbing her the wrong way for 16 hours of cycling in the Missouri heat and humidity. That's my wife! I love her...

New Tailgate Location!

Attention Tailgaters: We are moving the party from Reactor Field to the southernmost lot on College Avenue near Staduim Blvd. The lot is on the west side of the road and is FREE to park in! We'll be there by 3:oo. Call me at 819-0530 if you can't find us. See you Saturday!

Lighter Fare

The time has arrived for the first Tiger Tailgate of the season. I will be stationed in the new gravel parking lot at Reactor Field on Providence Road south of the Red Cross Blood Center. Look for either a black 1976 Chevy dually with a pair of black and gold flags or a 1996 white Ford Crown Vic Police car. The old truck's tranny is acting up, but I think it can play with pain. Either way, I'll be there. Anyone is welcome to come and join in the fun. I suggest that you park on the southbound shoulder of Providence and walk to where I will be because the blood-suckers at the University are charging $10 to park at Reactor field. There is no free parking at any university lot anymore! Call me on my cell phone if you can't find me @ 819-0530. I will provide a grill, charcoal, etc, you bring whatever you want to cook. I'll have a cooler with ice for those who need to chill beverages. (BYOB!) I'll be there by 3:00 at the latest, so come anytime after that. Kick off is at 6:00. See you there!

Divided We Fall

In the aftermath of the disaster that befell our nation on September 11, 2001, our battle cry was a unanimous "United We Stand". Ironically, just about a week shy of the anniversary of that horrific occasion, another unspeakable tragedy is infolding in our country. However, the phrase that may best sum up the circumstances following the destruction of Hurricane Katrina is "Divided We Fall". Due largely to the division of peoples due to race and/ or social class, our fellow Americans in New Orleans are needlessly suffering. Some narrow-minded folks have blamed the impoverished victims who "chose not to evacuate" before the storm hit. With 40% of its population living below the poverty line, the majority of the people still stranded in the Hell that New Orleans has become had no means to evacuate the city in the two days from the time the evacuation was ordered till the storm hit. When you live in abject poverty and do not own a car or have the money to subsidize a move to a different town, then you are in real trouble. Officials from FEMA and the local and federal governments new this fact and projected that 100,000 to 200,000 people would be left behind in the event of a forced evacuation due to the lack of means to escape. They analyzed differnet scenarios in the event of a hurricane of this magnitude in New Orleans and knew that a certain amount of people could not escape. Yet five days after the storm, people are still stranded in the city, starving to death, dying from dehydration and lack of medical attention, and yet help is only just now coming. By the time the rescue effort is at full strength, thousands of victims will have died while awaiting rescue. How is it that we can send aid to the Tsunami victims within days, but can't help our own citizens. Babies are dying in public, elderly people are dying in front of news cameras, and street gangs are terrorizing the few well intentioned people who are trying to help while awaiting back-up from the National Guard. Should our Guardsmen be dying in Iraq for a country that should be governing itself by now, or should they be Stateside like they were intended to be in the event of a national emergency?

Do whatever you can to help the people suffering in the Gulf Coast. Bethany and I spent our honeymoon in New Orleans. The romantic, vibrant, life-loving city once called "the Big Easy" has become a symbol of what can go wrong in this country when our priorities and resources are misplaced. Give to the Red Cross or your favorite charity. Take a homeless family into your home. Do what you can to help because "United We Stand, Divided We Fall" is true whichever way we allow it to go.

Big Bad Bill Gettin' His Blog On!

Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Herrin has formally entered the blog universe. Not only has he created his own blog, but he also is an official contributor to my fine, online publication. He, along with Paul "The Violent Farmer" Shields, are now full fledged members of "Big Thoughts-Little Man." Be sure to check the blog often as it is sure to entertain, astonish, and perhaps even repulse you.

Football & Friends

As you already know, I'm getting pretty wound up thinking about football season. My friend Huong, whom I worked with at Doggie Empawrium, is a Kansas City Chiefs Cheerleader for the second season in a row. She sent me a link to her homepage on the Chiefs website that only fueled the flames of my desire... for football season to arrive. Enjoy! http://www.kcchiefs.com/cheerleader/huong/

"Fair" Weather

Who was the wise guy who thought that the Missouri State Fair should be held in mid-August? He couldn't have been from Missouri or else he would have known that it is the hottest time of the year in these parts. I think that "Sedalia" is latin for "the Eternal Fires of Hell". To make it even more miserable, we decided to camp at the fairgrounds for two nights. There is nothing better after a hot day at the blacktop-covered fairgrounds than to attempt to sleep in a tent that more closely resembles a toaster oven than a shelter. During our first night of camping we were forced to zip the windows closed due to the torrential rains that bombarded our campsite, thus searing in our juices as we were cooked alive in our broiling tent. Could it get worse?Did I mention that the campground was downwind from the swine barn? That's right, every 4-H kid in Missouri laughed as the hapless campers gagged from the stench of their prize-winning hogs. Did I mention that the campsite was downhill from the open-sided swine barn that was washed clean from the heavy downpours that we endured throughout the evening? Earlier I sarcastically mentioned that there is nothing better than sleeping in a hot tent after a hot day at the fair. Well there certainly is something much, much worse. Sleeping in a rain- soaked, 130 degree tent downwind and downhill from a river of pig excrement. Oh did I mention that we had three kids under the age of 5 with us? Good times, good times. (The picture is of Alex in a Ferris Wheel about 40 feet in the air. Note the safety latch at the bottom of the door that is unlatched while Alex pushes on the door. Good times.)

The Cure for Depression

Just in case you are feeling down, I have the perfect pick-me-up. Take a kid fishing. Wednesday evening, Alex hooked and landed this bass completely on his own. (And yes, he kissed it good-bye before throwing it back.) We were both pretty proud. Later as our friend Grant was leaving Alex said, "I'm sorry you didn't catch any fish, Grant." And then he gave him a hug. Alex didn't realize that he had just uttered some of the most powerful trash talk in the history of fishing. I couldn't begin to express my sense of pride after that.

Bethany's Wild Ride

My beautiful wife is going to ride 150 miles on a borrowed bicycle to raise money for the fight against MS (Multiple Sclerosis). She has not ridden a bike in ten years but has vowed to complete every grueling mile. She has a website where you can pledge a donation in her name if you are interested. I would donate, but I don't have a job. So its up to you people to help her out. If you don't help, I will e-mail you all everyday to harrass you! Here's the link: https://www.nationalmssociety.org/MOS/personal/default.asp?pa=52695428&pd=MOS0EMS120050910COM

The Voices in my Head

As you may already be aware, I ain't quite right in the head. Is it normal to argue for hours on end with the voices in your head? What is "normal" anyway? Every day I come up with a different idea for what I am going to do with my life once Alex goes to school next year. I thought I could sell cars, or anything else for that matter. I've been told I have a knack for B.S. (That is the #1 key to being a good salesman.) But then I talked myself out of that idea because salespeople are so fake. I want to be able to respect myself in the morning, you know? I thought about going back to college to get a degree in a practical field where I might stand a chance to become gainfully employed. But I talked myself out of that because I just finished paying off my student loans for the seven years that it took to get a philosophy degree. I thought I would like to own a bar. It would need to be unique so it would stand out among the other three or four thousand bars that already exist in Columbia. I thought a place that just sold beer (lots and lots of beers) would be cool. Then I thought that people who don't like beer wouldn't come and I would go out of business. Then I argued to myself that I really wanted to do a beer-only bar because I'm too lazy to learn how to mix all those fru-fru drinks that the college kids are so fond of these days.

So you can see that for every idea I come up with, I find a reason to shoot it down. I am my own worst enemy. Maybe I should quit thinking so much. I think maybe I need a hobby. Lately I have been learning how to play guitar. I thought maybe I could practice for a few months and eventually get a part-time job at a music store where I could get some free lessons and get paid to practice between waiting on customers. Then I tell myself that I'll never remember all those chords and scales and won't be good enough to get in a band. See, there I go again arguing with myself. It ain't easy being me. I invite all of your comments and suggestions to help me choose a career path and quiet the voices in my head before they drive me completely crazy. Just don't be insulted if one of those voices shoots down your idea.

Tailgate Update

Although Grant and I have yet to brew any beer, preparations are underway for Mizzou Tailgate Season. Notice I didn't say "Football" Season. I may go to a game or two, but I may have to get a job to afford to buy a ticket. Non-conference games will cost $30 per ticket. Texas and Iowa State's games will cost $45 each. And in a shocking display of flagrant price-gouging, tickets to see the Nebraska Cornhuskers (a team running as fast as it can from its former glory) cost a ludacris $55 dollars each. The average family of four will shell out $220 for tickets plus at least $30 for snacks, drinks, and souveniers. Who in their right mind would pay $250 to see an amateur sporting event? Who would pay that much to support an athletic program falling apart at the seams?

No, the University didn't kill the young football player who died in practice a month ago, but they did lie about the circumstances of his death and after telling the medical examiner not to be at the press conference, they lied again and said she couldn't be there due to a scheduling conflict. These are just the more recent problems of an athletic department out of control. After the recruiting scandal that the basketball team endured last year, Head Coach Quin Snyder was allowed to keep his job because he claimed ignorance. (I thought the captain of the ship is always responsible for the actions of his crew.) Then he had a losing season, failed to get his team to the Big Dance for the second year in a row and was then told he would not be fired no matter what. Then he encouraged his star player Linus Kleiza to enter the NBA draft and wished him luck. So now, we have a program with no star player, NCAA sanctions limiting recruitment and scholarships, and a head coach who doesn't even try to keep his "student"-atheletes in school. Oh, yeah, I can see why we wouldn't want to fire him!

With both major sports coming off of disappointing seasons, ticket prices going through the roof, new arenas being named for students who attended other schools and cheated their way through college, players dying, players committing rapes, and players leaving for the pros two years early, how can the sorry state of Missouri Athletics be considered anything but a complete and miserable failure? How can they turn things around? By ridding themselves of the one ultimate cause of all that has gone wrong in the past six years. Athletic Director Mike Alden must go! From pushing coaching legend Norm Stewart out the door, to not pushing coaching wash-out Quin Snyder out the same door, Alden has made one blunder after another. He has shown that he has no control over his department and that he has no idea how to fix the problems that plague it. If the captain is responsible for the actions of his crew, then the Board of Curators need not look any farther than the office of the A.D. to find who is to blame for the sad state of affairs that has made the athlectic department the disgrace that it is today.

So, what are we the fans to do? Drink beer in the parking lot while listening to the Tigers on the radio, of course. Home tailgate dates are as follows: 9/10/05 vs. New Mexico, 9/17 vs. Troy, 10/1 vs. Texas, 10/15 vs. Iowa St., 10/22 vs. Nebraska, 11/12 vs. Baylor. Make plans now on joining us in the new parking lot at Reactor Field (south of the Red Cross Blood Donor Center) on Providence. We will be in a Black, 1976 Chevrolet Truck with Mizzou adornments all over it. (Look for a bunch of idiots falling out the back of an old dually truck while drinking home brew!) Hope to see you there!

August 4th Should be a National Holiday

Three world-changing events have taken place on this date in history. First and foremost, Bethany became my lovely bride on August 4, 1996. Today marks nine years of wedded bliss for us. Per her suggestion, we will be going to dinner and a movie tonight. The mushy, romantic, chick-flick that she picked to watch for her anniversary date this evening? Wedding Crashers! That's right, I can prove that I married the coolest girl in the world because she picks movies with toilet humor, bare breasts, and no sappy love scenes to watch on the anniversary of her surrender to my insanity. Thanks baby!

The second important event that happened on this date was the birth of the greatest race car driver since Richard Petty. I'm speaking of none other than Jeff Gordon. Winner of over 70 races and counting, Jeff has dominated stock car racing since his debut more than a decade ago. He was born in 1971, the same year as myself and Bill "Attica!" Herrin.

The birth of William Lynn Herrin on August 4th, 1971 is one of the most important moments in the history of the world. I shudder to think what the world would be like if Bill hadn't been born. What other 280 lb bald man could sing "Like a Virgin" at Karaoke Night? Who else but Bill could liken his freshly shorn nether-region to a freshly skinned quail's breast? Who else would have agreed to be my roommate in college, knowing full-well what they were getting themselves into?

Clearly, the world is a better place because of the events that have occurred on August 4th. Now we need to come up with a name for our new National Holiday so we can run it through congress and get another paid day off from work (for those of you that have jobs, that is). Happy Anniversary, Baby!

Spam vs The World

I've notice that this blog has a thing for Spam (the meat not the unwanted e-mails), so I've decided to do a weekly feature called Spam vs The World.
This week Spam goes up against the reality queen heiress- Paris Hilton

Spam- can of congealed meatish substance
Paris- has a nice can

Advantage: Paris

Spam- credited with saving the Russian army
Paris- credited with various porn flicks

Advantage: Tie

Spam- has a hit Broadway play named after it "Spamalot" that gets rave reviews
Paris- was in the movie "House of Wax"

Advantage: Spam

Spam- had a mascot named "Spammy the Pig"
Paris- can spell "pig" but not "mascot"

Advantage: Spam


and there you have it in an upset Spam beats Paris Hilton in the first week of Spam vs The World

Score Card:
Spam-1
World-0

Career Advice Contest Winner

"THIS IS GOD SPEAKING TO YOU, QUIT SCHOOL AND BECOME A PROFESSIONAL GOLFER." This is the winning submission for my Career Advice Contest. Bill Herrin, my roommate in college, shouted this to the ROTC guys as they jogged past our dorm room at 6:00 in the morning everyday. Although I am not a golfer, and I am no longer in school, I will still award Bill with the delicious can of Spam (to match your T-Shirt). Good job, Bill.

Serenity Now!

Maybe I should study Zen or Yoga or just take longer naps. I don't know. I do know that I am wound way too tight lately for an unemployed man whose wife works two jobs while he stays home with the kid and does the housework. Oh, and did I mention she told me that I can stop shaving? In fact, she insisted. She actually likes my whiskers. How can I possibly be stressed? I'm living the dream, right? Maybe I stay at home too much. I do a lot of chores. I spend a lot of time vacuuming dog hair from every surface in the house. I spend a lot more time yelling at Alex to quit doing whatever the heck he's doing at the time that could get him hurt, killed or arrested. Socrates said that everything should be done in moderation. Every excess becomes a vice. Is it possible that I spend too much time at home with my four year old? Am I the opposite of a dead-beat dad? Can spending too much time with your kid be as bad as not spending enough time with him? All I know is that he and I seem to argue more often than we agree and that I get a little worked up by the end of the day. I think that I may even be a little hard for Bethany to come home to after a long hard day working at one of her six or seven jobs. So from now on I will endeavor to become more patient, more understanding, and less cranky than I have been lately. I will be a kinder, gentler Travis. I will think before I react. I will control my temper. I will appreciate how lucky I am. I will be happier. I will have "Serenity Now!" (Or insanity later.) Thank you Frank Costanza, Lloyd Braun, and Cosmo Kramer for inspiring me to make myself a better man.

The Return of "Barney MacNaughton"

A few years ago, Grant Barnes and myself started brewing our own beer. We did a pretty good job of it, too. The label was "Barney MacNaughton Beer". Grant later took the brewing supplies with him when he moved to Hannibal a couple of years ago, so the brewery closed down. Grant and Brenda (his lovely new bride) began making "B&B Winery" vintages with the supplies. Now, following their return to Columbia and with all that wedding stuff out of the way, Grant got the itch to brew some beer. After visiting with a supplier in Jeff City, Grant had an epiphany. We can bypass the time-consuming bottling process by putting our beer in kegs! Apparently, a five gallon keg kit is available at a reasonable price that we can purchase in order to bring our quality brew back to the faithful and thirsty patrons of our beer making enterprise. OK, so that basically is just Grant and me, but we do intend to distribute our forthcoming batches to the masses in the near future. We intend on having 5 to 10 gallons of delicious "Barney MacNaughton Beer" at the ready for each and every Mizzou home football game this season. That's right sports fans- tailgate season is just around the corner. Whether you desire to watch the actual games or not, plan now on attending our tailgate parties. I have a 1976 Chevrolet-one-ton-dually-truck that I personally painted black, adorned with Mizzou decals, door magnets, and various other black and gold regalia and is ready for us to throw a grill, chairs, a football, and a couple of kegs of home brew in the back. So, is it the new tailgate truck or what?! I'm giddy with excitement! Picured above are scenes from tailgates past with my original truck, a 1966 Chevy. (R.I.P.)

Joliet Jake Blues Medical Update

In case you didn't realize it, Joliet Jake is alive and well in Hartsburg MO. Those of you who know Jake will be happy to learn that he had a successful surgical procedure earlier today to restore his boyish good looks. He had a nasty looking growth on his eyelid, but with the help of modern medicine, he has been restored to the damn good looking dog that he once was. Look out ladies- the Jakester is back! He even has his own website! Check it out @ www.dogster.com/?140334.