WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS AN EXPLICIT ACCOUNT OF MY RECENT VISIT TO THE UROLOGIST. IT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR YOUNGER READERS, OLDER READERS, OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!! As many of you may know, Bethany and I have been fighting a losing battle in trying to conceive a younger sibling for Alex. After much procrastination, I finally had my "arsenal" checked out to see if I was using "live ammuntion" in the Battle for Baby. Yesterday I discussed the results with a doctor and underwent a subsequent "physical examination". (It turns out that I am NOT firing live ammo, hence the necessity for the exam.) By "physical examination" I mean "horrific torture session". Abu Ghraib prisoners would choose Lyndie England any day of the week over Dr. Broomstick Fingers. In case you didn't know, in order to check a man's prostrate health, a specially trained CIA operative with a passion for inflicting immeasurable amounts of pain straps on a latex glove, dabs an insignificant amount of "lubricant" on his finger, and... let's just say that he ignores the "Exit Only" sign! That sounds pretty bad, right? Did I mention that Dr. Pineapple Fingers was 6'6" tall with two catcher's mitts for hands? Did I mention EXIT ONLY!?!?! I guess he felt a little sympathy for me judging by the "Sorry about that," that he mumbled as I lay whimpering while curled up in the fetal position on the examination table. To make matters much, much worse, (and I am re-issuing my warning to those readers who may be scarred for life by reading this), I had to confess to Dr. Tree Trunk Fingers that the ten Taco Bell tacos I had for dinner the night before had spent the better part of the morning evacuating my body from the very EXIT ONLY that he had just driven a Volkswagon in to. Talk about "WRONG WAY- DO NOT ENTER!!! To say that the affected area was tender would be a gross understatement. Anyway, after he was done, I wiped the tears from my eyes and got dressed. He told me that I am physically fine, although it will take me years for my emotional scars to heal after our little visit. He scheduled two more sample donations and a follow up visit to confirm his findings. That's all the GOOD news. The bad news is that Alex will probably remain an only child and will have no little brother or sister to divert his father's insanity to. Poor kid.
2 comments:
Big Daddy, I'm feeling for you buddy. Due to family history I have been subject to a colonoscopy and subsequent ones to come every five years. Luckily, they knock you out for those. All I have are bits and pieces of vived,prison dreams to remember it by.
You'll find the pain is like the shame - you only feel it once. (Dangerous Liaisons)
Sorry, bro. Perhaps some fruit and fiber leading up to your next exam, k? Tip o' the week: Don't carry your cell phone in your pocket, as it may be wounding your soldiers.
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