Be it known to all who reside within this realm that Father Christmas, (a.k.a. Santa Claus, a.k.a. Kris Kringle, a.k.a. St. Nicolas), the benevolent elf-king and reindeer breeder from Earth’s northern polar region, has, by this decree, recognized today, December 1st, as the official beginning of the Holiday Season. Let the merriment commence!
His Excellency Mr. Claus has issued the following directives to those who wish to remain on the “Nice List” this year:
Each citizen is hereby ordered to have his or herself a merry little Christmas. (Alternatively, citizens may opt to have a holly jolly Christmas instead.)
All citizens must say hello to friends you know, and everyone you meet. They must also deck the halls with boughs of hollyand/or troll the ancient yuletide carol.
Failure to obey Santa’s commandments (Claus’s Clauses) may result in severe consequences including, but not limited to, being placed on the “Naughty List”, receiving a single lump of coal in your stocking, or being forced to listen to “The Christmas Shoes” song on a never-ending loop from now until next December.
The generosity of Sinterklaas, The Magnificent Package Expediter of the Frozen Tundra, has no equal. He shall bring all who profess their belief in Him a bounty of riches beyond measure. Aftershave, socks, Olive Garden gift certificates—treasures all.
Citizens of all ages are encouraged to write letters to Santa. In addition to the requisite holiday wish list, Mr. Claus will also expect a list of examples documenting that the petitioner has been a good boy or good girl this year, despite the indisputable and perhaps unnerving fact that he sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, and he knows if you’ve been bad or good.
In order to facilitate getting into the Christmas spirit, St. Nicolas has issued a memorandum directing all persons to watch the following Christmas movies:
“It’s a Wonderful Life”
“Elf”
“Christmas Vacation”
“Die Hard”*
“A Christmas Story”
“Scrooged”
“The Polar Express”
*Failure to acknowledge that “Die Hard” is indeed a Christmas film will result in automatic placement on the “Naughty List”.
Citizens are required to listen to holiday music exclusively until December 26. If, during a listening session, “The Christmas Shoes” starts to play, citizens have the option to temporarily change the station. If that is not possible, the annihilation of the electronic device responsible for disseminating the offending noise is permitted. Baseball bats, cinder blocks, or other blunt objects are acceptable tools of destruction.
By order of the Jolly Old Elf, “Candy Cane Lane” by Sia is hereby the official song of Christmas and shall remain so until such time that Mr. Kringle, (after consulting with Travis Naughton), decides otherwise. Be it also known that Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas” shall henceforth be classified as a schedule one drug due to its highly addictive nature.
His Majesty, the Exalted Connoisseur of Milk and Cookies, also demands that Chocolate Chip shall be recognized as the Official Cookie of Christmas. All citizens who leave inferior cookies such as oatmeal raisin, sugar, snickerdoodle, or Oreos for Santa to eat on Christmas Eve will receive a stocking full of disappointment and three-year ban from the “Nice List”.
The Great Santa has spoken. His word is law. Long live Father Christmas!
Happy Holidays!
No comments:
Post a Comment