Tempted, But Not Attempted

 Hi, my name is Travis and I’m an alcoholic. It has been five years, two months, and two days since my last drink. Thanks to the support of family and friends, healthcare providers, prescription medication, and an earnest desire to set a good example for my children, I have not touched a drop since I downed my final martini on December 31, 2016.

There have been very few occasions since the first months of my sobriety when I have felt an urge to drink. Lately, however, as a pandemic and wars and politics and family crises threaten to crush my soul, I must admit that I have been tempted to pick up the bottle again.

Tempted, but not attempted. 

I tend to be an overthinker. I dwell on things far too long—especially negative things—and my internal monologue can be absolutely relentless. Alcohol was the easiest way of getting the voice inside my head to shut the hell up, particularly at bedtime. Eventually, I came to rely on music, meditation, and medication to quiet my inner voice, or as the Buddha would call it, my monkey mind.

As a recovering alcoholic diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I am prone to falling into the occasional dark abyss of depression. During manic episodes, I often suffer from debilitating anxiety. When I look back, I can see how I used alcohol to deal with the highs and lows of my disorder before I was diagnosed. I’m slowly getting better at noticing the onset of these manic or depressive episodes, and thanks to the miracle of modern medicine, I am able to live with my illness.

However, the last few months have not been good for my mental health. At times, I have struggled mightily. I’ve had to remind myself to take things one day at a time and to not dwell on what may or may not happen in the future. That’s hard for me and my monkey mind to do without a fifth of gin on hand.

But I know I can’t drink because a relapse at this point in time would probably kill me.

Why in the world am I telling you all of this? Because you, dear reader, are my therapist, my sponsor, and my confidante. You’re also my accountability partner. You keep me honest and hold me to my word. Therefore, I promise you that I will continue to focus on my sobriety and my mental health, even though I am tempted at times to give in and/or give up.

If you are struggling right now, I hope by reading this you realize that you are not alone. You and I can struggle together. And together we will take each day as it comes, with the hope that today will be a little bit better than yesterday.

Finally, I would like to thank my family for their love and support. I am lucky to have a wise, compassionate, and extremely patient wife, three kind and thoughtful children, a wonderful daughter “in-law”, a beautiful grandbaby, two brothers, a sister, a father, and other relatives who love me unconditionally no matter how messy life with Travis Naughton can be. To you, my family, I love you more than you could possibly imagine, and if you continue to believe in me, I promise to continue fighting the good fight.

Well, I’d better wrap this up now because I just looked at the clock and realized that I should have taken my pill two hours ago. I’ll probably spend the next two hours trying to get my monkey mind to quiet down enough so that I can fall asleep. 

At least I won’t wake up with a hangover.