The Pursuit of Happiness

When my eighteen-month-old granddaughter and her parents dropped by our house last Saturday, Freya ran straight to me with her arms held high, eager to show me her new toy, and wordlessly asking me to pick her up. When I did, she immediately curled up in my arms and rested her head on my shoulder. While everyone around us engaged in a boisterous and happy conversation, Freya and I gently swayed back and forth in blissful silence.

I closed my eyes and rested my head on hers while we continued to dance to a song that only she and I could hear. I kept expecting Freya to become restless and ask to get down, but she never did. After a week apart, it seemed that she was as happy as I was to be reunited once again.

Happy isn’t the right word. Relieved isn’t either, though it’s not far off. Perhaps there isn’t a word to describe what we were feeling, but if you’ve ever spent time away from someone you love with every fiber of your being, then you probably know what I’m talking about.

It was a perfect moment.

When Alex, Sarah, and Freya moved into their duplex in Columbia, I was heartbroken, and I was worried that the strong bond Freya and I had forged while she lived with us would inevitably weaken. I was afraid she would forget how much we loved each other, but clearly, I was mistaken. I’ve never been happier to be proven wrong in all my life.

Happiness has proven elusive at various points in my life. I wrote about some of my struggles with bipolar disorder and alcohol addiction last week and in previous issues of the Journal. While I have taken steps to improve my mental health, I have mostly been focused on simply getting out of bed every morning and making it through another day alive and sober. But what about being happy?

The Declaration of Independence says that we are endowed with “certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.” Being alive and liberated from the control alcohol once had over me accounts for the first two of those rights, but now I think it’s time I started focusing on the third one as well. It’s time for me to pursue happiness.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been happy for a large portion of my life. However, that happiness did not magically appear out of thin air. Often, I had to work for it. I had to pursue it, and somewhere along the line, I became less interested in making the effort. Was it because I didn’t know how to have fun without booze? Did the social isolation brought on by the pandemic cause me to lose the hope of finding joy in the world? Did my mental illness cause me to give up on the idea that I could ever be truly happy again?

Whatever the case may be, I know what has made me happy in the past. Making and listening to music, playing and watching sports, spending quality time with friends and family. Hiking and biking, camping and fishing, reading and writing, creating and learning, and so on and so forth. The point is that none of those things will bring me happiness unless I actively pursue them.

The perfect moment Freya and I shared Saturday was not the result of sheer luck. I have continuously worked at building a close relationship with my granddaughter since the day she was born, and I will never stop doing so. She is proof that if I keep pursuing happiness, then I shall have it.