The Book of Travis

Friday, November 11, 2005

A Series of Unfortunate Events

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS AN EXPLICIT ACCOUNT OF MY RECENT VISIT TO THE UROLOGIST. IT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR YOUNGER READERS, OLDER READERS, OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!! As many of you may know, Bethany and I have been fighting a losing battle in trying to conceive a younger sibling for Alex. After much procrastination, I finally had my "arsenal" checked out to see if I was using "live ammuntion" in the Battle for Baby. Yesterday I discussed the results with a doctor and underwent a subsequent "physical examination". (It turns out that I am NOT firing live ammo, hence the necessity for the exam.) By "physical examination" I mean "horrific torture session". Abu Ghraib prisoners would choose Lyndie England any day of the week over Dr. Broomstick Fingers. In case you didn't know, in order to check a man's prostrate health, a specially trained CIA operative with a passion for inflicting immeasurable amounts of pain straps on a latex glove, dabs an insignificant amount of "lubricant" on his finger, and... let's just say that he ignores the "Exit Only" sign! That sounds pretty bad, right? Did I mention that Dr. Pineapple Fingers was 6'6" tall with two catcher's mitts for hands? Did I mention EXIT ONLY!?!?! I guess he felt a little sympathy for me judging by the "Sorry about that," that he mumbled as I lay whimpering while curled up in the fetal position on the examination table. To make matters much, much worse, (and I am re-issuing my warning to those readers who may be scarred for life by reading this), I had to confess to Dr. Tree Trunk Fingers that the ten Taco Bell tacos I had for dinner the night before had spent the better part of the morning evacuating my body from the very EXIT ONLY that he had just driven a Volkswagon in to. Talk about "WRONG WAY- DO NOT ENTER!!! To say that the affected area was tender would be a gross understatement. Anyway, after he was done, I wiped the tears from my eyes and got dressed. He told me that I am physically fine, although it will take me years for my emotional scars to heal after our little visit. He scheduled two more sample donations and a follow up visit to confirm his findings. That's all the GOOD news. The bad news is that Alex will probably remain an only child and will have no little brother or sister to divert his father's insanity to. Poor kid.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Another Reason to Hate Kansas

The famous Missouri outlaw Jesse James led raids against people who had the misfortune of calling Kansas home. The Missouri Tigers and the Kansas Jayhawks have the second oldest rivalry in all of college football (and one of the most bitter). Norm Stewart hated the state of Kansas so much that he never spent a single night there in all the 33 years he coached the Tigers basketball team against KU and K-State (he didn't want to spend any money in their damned state). Now, the Kansas Board of Education has given us yet another excuse to despise our ignorant neighbors to the west. They have voted to de-emphasise the science of evolution in their classrooms by teaching "intelligent design". http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9967813/ "Intelligent Design" is the new, politically correct term for "Creationism". Creationism is NOT science, it is religion and therefore is in direct violation of the Constitutional separation of Church and State. In Kansas, teachers are now free to impose their religious beliefs upon their students by telling them that God created all life and that evolution hasn't been taking place on our planet over the past 4 or 5 billion years. I guess the fossil record and all of the scientific journals written since Darwin's revolutionary discoveries are all part of the "Liberal Media Conspiracy" that the Fox News Channel keeps telling me about. Missourians should take a great deal of delight in finding yet another reason to hate Kansas. (As if we needed one!)

Saturday, November 05, 2005

The Shining

One of my favorite movies is Stephen King's "The Shining." Jack Nicholson plays a writer who goes insane while holed up in the woods bent over a typewriter trying to write the Great American Novel. As you know, I spend a lot of time holed up in my wooded hideaway here in the Hartsburg Hills. Just like Nicholson's character I also spend a great deal of time fighting writer's block and madness while trying to type something meaningful or entertaining. He used a typewriter, I use a computer. He had a loving wife and a young son. I have a loving wife and a young son. He had an axe. I have an axe. OK, bad analogy. Anyway, the way I see it is that writer's block and extreme seclusion caused Jack to go crazy. Your task is to prevent this from happening to me. Post story ideas on this blog for me to pursue and make sure I get out of the house this winter. The Naughton family is counting on you!