Work Wife

First of all, I have to preface this post by stating for the record that I love my wife more than anyone else on Earth. More importantly, I am in love with Bethany with every fiber of my being. That being said, I do love another woman--platonically of course. That woman is Kim McCullough. I'm pretty sure her husband Rob knows how I feel about her--after all, she was my work wife at Treats Unleashed before she was his real wife. By the time I met Kim, Rob had already swept her off her feet, and I was a very happily married man with a young son. I was also fourteen years her senior. How many times did I have to endure hearing her repeat the phrase, "Oh my god, you're HOW old?! You're almost the same age as my mom!" So there was a bit of a generation gap, sure. But we became good friends during the years we worked together nevertheless.

I watched Kim mature from a relatively naive 19 year old college student to a 25 year old college graduate, retail store manager (after I "retired" from that same post), and a loving wife. In the process, my real wife grew accustomed to hearing me refer to Kim as my work wife, and she seemed to appreciate the friendship that developed as much as I did. Rob & Kim and Bethany & I have become great friends and we have enjoyed painting the town red together whenever we've been able to convince Grandma Glee to babysit our kids for an evening. But sadly, those opportunities will be few and far between from now on. My work wife and her real husband are moving away.

Rob shall forever more be referred to as Doctor Rob since he landed a coveted residency in a Kansas City hospital after graduating from the MU School of Medicine this spring (Congrats, Doc.) But of course that means we will not see our friends very often from now on. Luckily, they are moving to Liberty, where Bethany's sister Charla lives with her family, so we will surely see each other now and then. But I will certainly miss having my friend Kim nearby.

Kim is a vibrant, vivacious person. Spunky. Sassy. Smart. Funny as hell. She and I share many of the same philosophical and political views. We laugh at the same jokes. We both enjoy drunken bowling. We love dogs. In truth, she is much more than a work wife to me. She is my friend. And I am going to miss the hell out of her when she moves away. So Kim, if you are reading this, I want to tell you right now (so that when we all go out one last time before you move, I won't start blubbering like a little baby) that I am going to miss you like crazy. You are a wonderful person and you mean the world to me. I have a lot of "guy friends" who I could never say these things to, but that's the cool thing about having a female friend: You won't laugh at me for being all sappy and telling you how I feel. Well, maybe you will, but that would be tolerable coming from you. I will always cherish the time we shared at the store, especially while my mom was battling cancer and we were going through Truman's adoption process because you were always there for me to talk to. And I was so proud to watch you walk down the aisle with Rob. You looked so beautiful in your wedding dress--and happy. And you have always been great to Bethany and my kids--and to me. I am damn glad I met you. (You too Rob.) :)

This is not goodbye, but good luck. Good luck, Kim & R0b, in the next chapter of your lives. May you always be as happy as you have made me feel over the past few years. And Kim, my work wife, my dear friend; always remember that there is an old married guy in Columbia who is forever grateful for having had the chance to get to know you. I love you.

Writing vs. Parenting

Obsess much? Why yes I do. Whenever I begin an undertaking, I commit myself to it fully, maniacally, forgoing sleep, food, and sanity to complete my chosen task. I ignore the rest of the world while frantically scrambling to accomplish my goals. Once, I sat on the living room floor at my mom's house and assembled a model car from start to finish--over the course of twelve straight hours. Because I have a need to finish tasks in this fashion, the other things in my life tend to get ignored. And if I am worried that I won't be able to finish a project immediately, I'll often not begin it at all. Some may call that procrastination or laziness, but I call it staving off madness.

This same sad truth applies to my writing. I love writing. Whenever I get on a roll, I lose myself in the process and inevitably lose all track of time. I've written for as many as twelve hours in a day, during which time my children may have been arrested, convicted, and incarcerated for some or other egregious offense that should have been easily averted by an attentive parent. Therein lies the problem. I want to write. I want to begin another book and I need to work on getting my first book published. But I do neglect Truman during the day while I am in obsessive-compulsive writing mode. Next year, he will attend pre-school for three or four hours a day, so I will have some more free time to write then. However, I will still have to stop what I'm doing, drive to the school to pick him up, make lunch, play with him, pick up Alex and Tiana at the bus stop a couple hours later, do some chores around the house, and get supper going for Mama, etc. Had Hemingway been required to clean house and take care of a pre-schooler, would he ever have written A Farewell to Arms? I doubt it.

I imagine that very few of the world's most successful writers were stay-at-home dads. Now don't get me wrong, I love being a stay-at-home dad. I wouldn't trade it for any 9 to 5 job on earth. But just imagine if you will, working an 8 to 10 hour shift at your job, spending time with your family after work, and then trying to find the time and energy to write the great American novel. Oh yeah, and you'll need to sleep once in a while, too. Once all three of my kids are in school full-time, then I will have a lot more time to work on my writing. But that is still another year and a half down the road. In the meantime, I will try to strike a balance between being a housekeeper, chef, babysitter, taxi driver, coach, husband, handyman, groundskeeper, mechanic, carpenter, pet groomer, writer, and lunatic. Wish me luck.

A Rose by Any Other Name

Friends, after months of deliberation we have finally decided upon a name for our little girl. Her Chinese name, which was given to her at her orphanage, is Dang Tian Tian. Of course in Chinese, Dang is her surname, so she is called Tian Tian, which translates to "more and more." That's nice, but we have a few problems with keeping that name. First, the orphange gave her the name, not her family. Second, it is actually a boy's name in China. Third, it is the name of the male panda at the National Zoo in Washington DC. Three strikes and the name is out.

Some time ago, I thought about calling her Anna Lee, but Bethany vetoed that idea. Later when watching Disney's The Princess and the Frog we decided we liked the lead character's name Tiana (pronounced tee-on-a). It was close to her given name and also the name of a princess, so it became the front runner. Then one day my beautiful bride threw out another idea: Tianna Lee (pronounced tee-an-na). Immediately I loved the name, but first I had to chastise her because she so quickly and bluntly rejected the strikingly similar Anna Lee idea of mine. Nevertheless, all of us in the family have embraced the name and are relieved to not have to refer to the poor child as simply "our little girl" any longer.

Today we are mailing the last of the adoption paperwork to our agency and to the immigration folks to start the process of bringing home our daughter: Princess Tianna Lee Naughton.

Happy Birthday Princess Tian-Tian

My Precious Daughter,

Today is your seventh birthday. I hope it is a great day, despite the fact that you will spend it as you have your last six birthdays--in a cold and lonely orphanage. Now that you are getting older, you may be wondering why you've never been able to share your special day with your family. "Why haven't Mama and Baba brought me gifts? Why haven't they visited in all the years I've lived here? Don't they love me?" These are perfectly reasonable questions to ask and I will do my best to answer them.

Do you know why grown-ups have wrinkles in their skin and grey in their hair? It is because of the important decisions they have to make every day of their lives. Often times, these choices they have to make are not easy and as a result, they suffer more than you could imagine. Undoubtedly, the woman who gave birth to you has developed a lot of wrinkles and grey hair in the seven years since she decided to give you up. We will never know her reasons (or her husband's reasons) for doing so, but I am certain that she has agonized over her decision.

Here's why you've never received any gifts or visits from your parents: Because your real parents live all the way across the world in the United States and it took us a long, long time to find you. We actually talked about adopting a little girl in China the day Alex (your Ge-Ge, or big brother) was born in 2000. In 2006, when you were still a baby, Mama and I started searching for a daughter, but we found Truman (your Di-Di, or little brother) in China in 2008 while we were waiting for our baby girl. Not long after that we decided to resume our search for our daughter. And do you know what? About a month after your sixth birthday we saw a photo of the most beautiful girl in all of China and we knew that at long last we had found our daughter. And of course, that beautiful girl was you!

We're sorry it has taken so long to find you and we're sorry you have to spend this special day apart from your family, but we promise that you'll never be alone on your birthday ever again. We promise to give you a cozy home with a nice soft bed to sleep in, two silly brothers and a bunch of toys to play with, and all the love we have in our hearts so that you will never doubt how special and cherished you are. Happy birthday Mei-Mei. We'll be there to bring you home as soon as we can. Wo ai ni! (I love you!)

Love,

Daddy (Baba)

Breaking News: Pujols Optioned to Triple-A

Memphis, TN (AP)-- St. Louis Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols, former league MVP and perennial All-Star, has been optioned to the club's Triple-A affiliate effective immediately, sources within the organization confirmed Friday morning. Following a protracted contract dispute, the slugger had his career worst day at the plate in Thursday's season opener, going 0 for 5 while grounding into three double-plays. Manager Tony Larussa said at his post-game news conference, "Obviously Albert isn't playing the way he is accustomed to. He knows he let the team down. He made it clear to me that his contract situation is a big distraction, so he wasn't surprised at all about being sent down to Memphis to get his act together." When asked how long Pujols' demotion might last, the skipper quipped, "As long as it takes."

Teammates of "El Hombre" were shocked when they found out the news. Lance Berkman, a former first baseman with the Houston Astros who signed with the Cardinals during the offseason to play right field expressed his disbelief. "Does that mean I'll be at first (base) now? I never thought I'd be the man to replace King Albert. I wonder if I can get a bullet-proof vest sewn into my uniform. I'm sure I'll hear some death threats tomorrow night."

Pujols declined to comment on the club's decision, but a brief statement from his agent summed up die-hard Cards fans' worst fears. "Albert's going to look really good in a Cubs uniform next year."



April Fool!