Happy Birthday Princess Tian-Tian

My Precious Daughter,

Today is your seventh birthday. I hope it is a great day, despite the fact that you will spend it as you have your last six birthdays--in a cold and lonely orphanage. Now that you are getting older, you may be wondering why you've never been able to share your special day with your family. "Why haven't Mama and Baba brought me gifts? Why haven't they visited in all the years I've lived here? Don't they love me?" These are perfectly reasonable questions to ask and I will do my best to answer them.

Do you know why grown-ups have wrinkles in their skin and grey in their hair? It is because of the important decisions they have to make every day of their lives. Often times, these choices they have to make are not easy and as a result, they suffer more than you could imagine. Undoubtedly, the woman who gave birth to you has developed a lot of wrinkles and grey hair in the seven years since she decided to give you up. We will never know her reasons (or her husband's reasons) for doing so, but I am certain that she has agonized over her decision.

Here's why you've never received any gifts or visits from your parents: Because your real parents live all the way across the world in the United States and it took us a long, long time to find you. We actually talked about adopting a little girl in China the day Alex (your Ge-Ge, or big brother) was born in 2000. In 2006, when you were still a baby, Mama and I started searching for a daughter, but we found Truman (your Di-Di, or little brother) in China in 2008 while we were waiting for our baby girl. Not long after that we decided to resume our search for our daughter. And do you know what? About a month after your sixth birthday we saw a photo of the most beautiful girl in all of China and we knew that at long last we had found our daughter. And of course, that beautiful girl was you!

We're sorry it has taken so long to find you and we're sorry you have to spend this special day apart from your family, but we promise that you'll never be alone on your birthday ever again. We promise to give you a cozy home with a nice soft bed to sleep in, two silly brothers and a bunch of toys to play with, and all the love we have in our hearts so that you will never doubt how special and cherished you are. Happy birthday Mei-Mei. We'll be there to bring you home as soon as we can. Wo ai ni! (I love you!)

Love,

Daddy (Baba)

Breaking News: Pujols Optioned to Triple-A

Memphis, TN (AP)-- St. Louis Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols, former league MVP and perennial All-Star, has been optioned to the club's Triple-A affiliate effective immediately, sources within the organization confirmed Friday morning. Following a protracted contract dispute, the slugger had his career worst day at the plate in Thursday's season opener, going 0 for 5 while grounding into three double-plays. Manager Tony Larussa said at his post-game news conference, "Obviously Albert isn't playing the way he is accustomed to. He knows he let the team down. He made it clear to me that his contract situation is a big distraction, so he wasn't surprised at all about being sent down to Memphis to get his act together." When asked how long Pujols' demotion might last, the skipper quipped, "As long as it takes."

Teammates of "El Hombre" were shocked when they found out the news. Lance Berkman, a former first baseman with the Houston Astros who signed with the Cardinals during the offseason to play right field expressed his disbelief. "Does that mean I'll be at first (base) now? I never thought I'd be the man to replace King Albert. I wonder if I can get a bullet-proof vest sewn into my uniform. I'm sure I'll hear some death threats tomorrow night."

Pujols declined to comment on the club's decision, but a brief statement from his agent summed up die-hard Cards fans' worst fears. "Albert's going to look really good in a Cubs uniform next year."



April Fool!

Good Luck, Coach Anderson

Just days after telling the Columbia Tribune that he planned to win a national championship with Mizzou and retire as a Tiger, Mike Anderson bolted for the University of Arkansas. Although he should have stuck with "no comment" rather than lead on Mizzou fans, I am not bitter about the coach's defection. Lots of other Tiger fans are, however. They feel betrayed. Lied to. Abandoned. We in Tiger Nation aren't used to this feeling. And here's why: No basketball or football coach has left Missouri of his own volition since the legendary Dan Devine quit to take the top job for the NFL's Green Bay Packers in 1970.

Think about that. Every single Missouri coach for the last 40+ years has been fired (or in Norm Stewart's case "encouraged to retire" by Mike Alden.) None of these men ever dared to leave the University of Missouri to pursue greener pastures. Not one. Some Mizzou fans are calling Anderson a traitor. That's ridiculous. He was an assistant at Arkansas for 17 years, so if anything, he is just going home. It's not like he left us for Kansas or anything.

Here's one more thing for bitter MU fans to consider. Anderson's style of play "The Fastest 40 Minutes in Basketball" is a gimmick. It is basically a frenetic full-court press that lasts the entire game as opposed to most teams' half-court style of play. It is entertaining to watch, but really good teams such as Kansas, Texas, UConn, etc can beat a press and punish you for stubbornly sticking with it. Anderson's teams have had a hard time adapting when their opponent beats their press. At times his players looked clueless during games this season. They got flustered and made silly turnovers and fouls. They yelled at each other on the court and during timeouts. They only won one conference road game all year. In short, the shine wore off Anderson's gimmicky game.

So do not be bitter, Tiger fans. Join me in wishing Coach Anderson the best of luck at Arkansas (except if Mizzou plays against him). He seems like a good person, a family man. He is back home with his family and that's alright with me. Our paths may cross again some day, which would be pretty neat. Not since 1972 when Al Onofio's football Tigers beat Dan Devine's Notre Dame Fighting Irish have MU fans had the chance to cheer our team to victory against a former Tiger coach. An Missouri-Arkansas meeting in the NCAA tournament sure would be fun to watch wouldn't it?

Parenting is very glamourous...

Truman had a fever the other day and wasn't feeling too whippy, so I told him to go lay down in my bed and watch some cartoons while the Children's Advil worked its magic. A short time later he emerged from my bedroom to tell me he accidentally drooled on his blankie. I told him this was not a big deal and we went on with our day. When Bethany got home from work, he told her the same thing, so she grabbed the blankie and tossed it in the laundry hamper without giving it another thought.

That night, she and I got to bed at about 2:00am, both of us dead tired after a long day and a "date night" in town. As my weary head hit the pillow, a strange odor wafted over me. I examined the pillow and the bed, but saw nothing. Exhausted, I lay back down and tried to put the stench out of my mind. But that was impossible. I woke my bride up by exclaiming, "The bed smells like ass."

Bethany said, "I don't smell anything, just let me go to sleep, please." I did as I was told, but as my face was buried under the sheets, the aroma started to overwhelm me and a great realization occurred to me: The bed did not smell like ass. It smelled like vomit.

"Honey," I pleaded, "I think Truman puked on his blankie--and our bed."

To which she replied, "He said he drooled. Maybe he sweat a lot when his fever broke and that's what you're smelling."

I said, "I know what puke smells like. I'm telling you, he barfed in our bed. I can't sleep in this."

"Well it doesn't smell on my side. Just roll over here and we'll change the sheets tomorrow." She seemed so unaffected by it all.

"Honey, I love you, but if someone took a dump three feet from your head, would you just roll over and deal with it in the morning?" How could she argue with THAT logic?

"Fine! I just wanted some sleep dammit. Is that too much too ask?" She jumped out of bed and as she started stripping the sheets, the funk started to spread throughout the room.

"Can't you smell that?" I gagged. It was horrible. I grabbed the offending linens and hurried them down to the laundry room. I pulled Truman's blankie out of the hamper and as I tossed it into the washing machine, a wave of noxious fumes doubled me over as waves of nausea cemented my theory that our four-year-old had in fact barfed in our bed. I had to stop twice to compose myself as I tried to fit the king-sized sheets, my pillow, and that damned blankie into the washer. My vision was so blurred by the tears in my eyes that I struggled to find the detergent. As I finally closed the lid and started the wash cycle, Bethany walked in--apparently tired of waiting for me to bring the clean sheets. She saw that her spouse was suffering and detected the hint of vomit scent lingering in the air. And then she laughed at me. She laughed all the way up the stairs. She laughed as we walked into our bedroom. She laughed as we put on the clean sheets. She laughed as I ripped off my t-shirt which had evidently absorbed some of the fragrance du jour. She laughed as she admitted that perhaps the four-year-old misspoke when he said he drooled on his blankie. She laughed as she acknowledged that maybe he had in fact puked on my side of the bed. She laughed as I screamed "And you were gonna make me lay in another human being's vomit all night long because you were too tired to get up and change the sheets!" And then I laughed, too, and took a scalding hot shower to strip away any remnants of the carnage that may have remained in my hair or on my person. And she was still laughing when I came back to bed.

Parenting is very glamorous.

I DID IT!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, Travis Naughton fans of all ages, I am proud to announce that after several false starts over the past several years, I have fishished writing my book Naked Snow Angels, The Authorized Biography of Travis A. Naughton!!! What a feeling!

I plan on self-publishing a few copies to start some home-grown publicity going and then I will start submitting it (and hopefully some good reviews/recommendations) to publishers very soon. Thanks for all your support (and in some cases for providing me with some great material). Wish me luck and stay tuned for further developments.

Wa-hoooooo!!!!!!!!