A Brief History of Me

For those of you who don't know me well, I thought I would give you a quick recap of the past 35 years. Take good notes- you may be tested on this later.

• September 25, 1971: I was born. Son of Donna (Keller) and Butch Naughton
• 1973: I do my first impression. When asked how old I was, I held up two fingers on each hand and said, "Peace, baby."
• May 25, 1975: My brother Blake was born.
• Late 1970's: I came up with a two-step plan to resolve the oil crisis. I suggested that Jimmy Carter freeze gas prices and order a halt to car-racing because they wasted fuel.
• 1976: Attended Kindergarten in Clarinda, Iowa. Believed that the "J" printed on the floor of my classroom (signifying Jefferson Elementary School) was printed backwards.
• 1977: Attended First Grade in Kirksville, Missouri. Learned that the backwards "J" was my mistake.
• 1978: Attended 2nd Grade in La Plata, Missouri. My Grandmother was my teacher. Yes, I was the teacher's pet.
• 1979: Attended 3rd Grade In Hannibal, MO at Oakwood Elementary. Mrs. Jackson was the meanest teacher I ever had. When a girl stabbed my arm with a pencil and broke the lead off in my flesh, the teacher told me to quit crying and go back to my seat.
• 1980: Attended 4th grade at Mark Twain Elementary in Hannibal, MO. 5th school in 5 years- learned how to make friends quickly.
• 1983: Junior High. I wore a referee shirt and whistle to school at least once a week. Oh, yeah. I wore parachute pants and had feathered hair, too.
• 1986-90: Hannibal Senior High School. Decided to become Mr. Popularity. Became President of Student Council, Editor of Yearbook, Drum Major of marching band. Played baseball. Won honors in jazz band for trombone and concert band for baritone horn. Was member of honor society.
• 1990: Had bright idea of rooming with Bill Herrin while attending University of Missouri. Bill, and Grant Barnes who lived down the hall, both fell victim to the highly contagious "party bug" and left school after three semesters. Another good friend, Justin Constable, knew when to stop wasting his money on tuition and decided to take a decade off from school. (Just teasing, Buddy.) I narrowly escaped dismissal by never having been on "academic probation" in two concurrent semesters. That's easier said than done.
• 1991: Co-founded a short-lived, ill-conceived fraternity. Started working at Eastgate Foods where I met some of my best, life-long friends.
• 1992: Met a girl named Bethany Lemon, whose twin sister Charla dated my good friend Joe Ahrens. Also, I turned 21 and fell in love with going to bars and such.
• 1993: Dumb enough to blow-off the Lemon chick because of the whole "being 21" thing.
• 1994: Dropped out of school after being evicted from my apartment, failing majority of my classes, and wearing out my welcome on my friends' couches.
• 1995: After a brief stint living at a hog farm in northern Iowa with my father, his wife, and my two very young half-siblings, I moved back to Columbia.
• Thanks to John Briscoe, got back in touch with that Lemon chick.
• August 4, 1996: Married Bethany. Honeymooned in New Orleans' French Quarter. Can you say humidity?
• 1996- 2000: Work, work, work: Meat cutter, groundskeeper, sales manager at car auction. Amassed mountain of debt.
• October 3, 2000: Our son Alex was born. I realized being a father and husband is more important than partying and drinking to excess. Quit drinking for over two years.
• December, 2002: Quit the high-stress sales manager job at car auction. Took part time job at bakery and boutique for dogs. Expected that to last a few months. Didn't know what I was in store for.
• September 2003: Owner of store had psychotic break. I helped have her involuntarily committed for an evaluation. This is the second time I had to do this for someone I knew. Not cool, man. Not cool.
• May, 2005: I retired. Declared "This is the Summer of Travis!" Stayed at home to raise Alex after multiple problems with several daycare centers. Created this blog. Posted some really weird and disturbing stuff.
• May, 2006: In anticipation of Alex attending kindergarten, I decided to go back to work. Accepted manager job at the dog store. Bethany was happy to have a third income for the household. Did I mention she was working two jobs?
• August 4, 2006: Celebrated 10th wedding anniversary by throwing Bethany a surprise party.
• 2007: Became debt-free. Student loans, car payments, credit cards became a thing of the past. Saved money for first time in my life. Converted the old cop-car to burn E85 ethanol.
• June, 2007: Celebrated the best month in my store's seven year history. Celebrated Alex's graduation from kindergarten. Volunteered to coach Alex's t-ball team. Re-connected with some old friends. Submitted final paperwork for adopting an infant girl from China. Supported Bethany while she trained for her first triathlon. Got the new (old) tailgatin' truck fixed- finally.

Now I'm feelin' pretty good about my life and you're pretty much up to date on it. Oh sure, I left out a lot of the gory details. But that should just motivate you to invite me over for a pint of dark beer while we reminisce about how we got to this point in our lives. I doubt we'll ever run out of things to talk about.