Help! Old Man Needs Gas Money for New Toy

 Last week, I procured an automobile that sits at the top of the bucket lists of many red-blooded American car enthusiasts such as myself, a Chevrolet Corvette. I can already declare with absolute certainty, that it is impossible to drive a Corvette with a frown on your face. But don’t just take my word for it. Try it for yourself sometime. 

I have already heard from a few comedians who joked that I must be experiencing a midlife crisis. How else can you explain why a 50-year-old grandfather would waste his money on such a frivolous toy that uses expensive 93 octane gas? If that’s the case, then I can only say that I must be dealing with the longest midlife crisis in history, dating all the way back to my first “just-for-kicks” vehicle purchase, a 1991 Pontiac Sunbird convertible that I bought in 1995.

Since then, I’ve owned three 1957 Chevy Bel Airs, two Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptors, three antique trucks that I used exclusively for hosting tailgate parties at Mizzou football games, two early 1970s Chevy trucks that just looked cool, a 1965 Oldsmobile 442, a 1965 Chevy Impala lawn ornament, and a 426-horsepower, 6-speed 2010 Chevy Camaro SS. Every one of them frivolous and completely unnecessary. Will this midlife crisis ever end?!

I hope not.

The latest addition to my fleet is anything but an “old man’s car.” The 5th generation model that was introduced in 1997 was the most revolutionary redesign of the iconic Corvette since the car’s debut in 1953. The entire chassis, body, and much of the drivetrain were completely new for model year 1997, the year my Corvette was built. The 350 cubic-inch, LS1 V8 engine was rated at 348 horsepower and had a top speed of 175 miles per hour without any modifications. Not too shabby. But of course, my Corvette has been blessed with several modifications and aftermarket upgrades, which steer it even further away from being a “grandpa car” as one internet troll called it when he saw that it has an automatic transmission.

My car’s previous owner must have been reading my mind when he started customizing “our” Corvette. I wouldn’t change a single thing he did to the car. He added an improved air cleaner, a better intake manifold, a custom exhaust system, and a professional engine tune for more horsepower. He swapped the standard chrome wheels for a set of larger black wheels with meatier tires. He tinted the windows, blacked-out the roof pillars, and added a slick-looking black spoiler, all of which contrast beautifully with the car’s Arctic White paint and Firethorn Red interior. He also replaced the factory stereo with a 2000-watt sound system that makes the side mirrors vibrate when the 12” subwoofer starts thumping.

To dispel any lingering thoughts about it being a “grandpa car”, the previous owner also installed a nitrous kit, which gives the engine a boost of an additional 100 horsepower whenever the “go-fast” button is pushed while the car is at full-throttle. A 3200-pound car with well over 400 horsepower? Yes, please!

Admittedly, the Corvette is a favorite of many middle-aged/older men and women. Why? Because, just like me, those folks have dreamed about owning the quintessential American sportscar ever since they first laid eyes on one as a kid. But they often couldn’t afford one until they were much older.

What’s cooler than a Corvette? In the 1960s, each of the Apollo astronauts were given a brand-new Corvette Stingray to drive as one of the fringe benefits of the job. Vettes have been featured in countless movies and TV shows and on posters adorning the bedroom walls of generations of car-crazy kids. No child’s Hot Wheels collection would be complete without at least one or two toy Corvettes. Even Barbie drives a Corvette for goodness’ sake!

Midlife crisis? It’s more of a midlife celebration if you ask me. And if I really am at midlife at 50 years of age, then that means I have 50 more years of enjoying my Corvette and whatever else strikes my fancy down the road.

And what about my dad? He bought his Corvette last year at the age of 76. Was it a midlife crisis or did he finally give himself permission to do something fun with his savings after serving his country as a Marine and as an educator? When I see the twinkle in his eye as he sits behind the wheel of his Corvette, it makes my heart happy. When he drove down to my house last Sunday to admire my new ride, I’m pretty sure he saw the same twinkle in my eye, and I have no doubt it made his heart just as happy as mine.