I’m Still Here

 

I have a confession to make: I hold grudges. I hold grudges against sports teams such as the Kansas Jayhawks for stealing Mizzou’s spot in the 2008 Orange Bowl and the 1985 Kansas City Royals for stealing what should have been the Cardinals’ 10th World Series championship. I also hold grudges against individuals such as the inept members of the 2008 Bowl Championship Series selection committee and American League umpire Don Denkinger. 

I’ve held serious, long-term grudges against only a few people actually, and if I’m being honest, I no longer curse the ground Don Denkinger walks on. If Whitey Herzog can forgive the man, so can I. But there is one person with whom I have been angry for a long, long time. Historically, I have found it to be nearly impossible to forgive this repeat offender who has caused me to suffer again and again. His name? Travis Naughton.

I have always been, and always will be, my own worst enemy. No one has done more to sabotage my happiness and emotional wellbeing than I have. I’ve tried to deflect the blame towards other people, but doing so invariably leads to even more self-loathing.

Lately, I’ve been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff in my personal life. These challenges have driven me into a familiar, yet dark and lonely place. It’s a place where the only voice I can hear is my own negative self-talk and the only things I can see are replays of my most painful experiences. Sometimes, I feel like there is no escape from this darkness. That’s when the really bad thoughts start to kick in.

A new thought occurred to me just as I started writing today. It was born in the darkness, but quickly flooded my mind with a bright and hopeful light. “Travis Naughton, you have survived every single crisis and hardship you’ve ever faced in your 50 years of life. No matter how bad things have gotten, you have always managed to get through it. Despite everything, you’re still here. You should be proud of yourself.”

I’m still here. And considering everything I’ve been through, that’s pretty impressive. 

I think it’s time to let go of my grudges. I will always hate the Jayhawks and 99.9% of the state of Kansas in general, but perhaps it’s time to lighten up on myself a little. Maybe I could even forgive myself for all the stupid and careless mistakes I’ve made and for the dark thoughts I’ve harbored.

Through luck, stubbornness, and the help of my family and friends, I’m still here. Half a century of navigating life’s ups and downs, and I’m still here. Despite loss, trauma, bitter disappointments, mental illness, alcohol addiction, and family crises, I’m still here.

I could have thrown in the towel, but I didn’t. I kept fighting.

After all, being here sure beats the alternative. As an atheist, I have a hard time imagining any sort of afterlife. As Bob Marley sang, “Most people think great god will come from the skies, take away everything, and make everybody feel high. But if you know what life is worth, you will look for yours on earth.” Life—this life—is precious. Even though it can be difficult, painful, and utterly unfair, Life is a great gift, one that should never be squandered.

 

If you have been holding a grudge against yourself and undermining your chances for happiness, now is the time to let that grudge go. Forgive yourself for being human, and make an effort to love yourself. You are absolutely worthy of love. And give yourself a little credit. Despite all of the hardships you’ve encountered over the years, you’re still here. Nothing has beaten you yet.

You’re undefeated. You should be proud of that, and you should be proud of yourself.

Say it with me and rejoice, “I’m still here. I’m still here!”