A Blog a Day...

I have nothing of any significance to write today. However, if I don't post a new message regularly, I might lose my audience. I know that there are literally millions of fans out there who have come to count on my daily bits of wit and wisdom to help get them through day after day of their otherwise meaningless lives. You can count on me to continue to be your reason to live. When nothing else is worth waking up for, at least you can look forward to reading my blog every day. I'm happy to do this for you. Its my way of making the world a better place.

Birthday Surprises

First, I woke up to breakfast in bed this morning. Chocolate pancakes with marshmallows cooked right in. (Thank you Bethany and Alex!) Then, I got to watch golf, football, and car racing with no interruptions. For dinner I ate a perfect ribeye steak, red potatoes, and a salad. (Thanks Bethany and Glee!) For dessert I ate angel food cake with chocolate icing and peanut butter cup and fudge ice cream. (Thanks Mommy!) Then, my Mommy gave me a sweet Mizzou pullover for tailgating season. Bethany and Alex gave me the new NCAA Football game for PS2. And in addition to the guitar instruction DVD's that my Mommy-in -Law gave me, she also blessed me with an authentic Steve Urkel doll. Yes, you read that correctly. (See photo.) She said the picture of me that I posted on this blog just yesterday bore such a striking resemblence to Urkel that she couldn't resist buying the doll for me. Thank you to all of my family for the great gifts, cards, and phone calls. Today was filled with lots of fun and surprises. I can't wait to see the look on Bethany's face when she wakes up in the middle of the night and sees Urkel smiling at her..."Surprise!"

Another Year Older, And Better Looking

Some things do get better with age. Take me for example. In grade school I wore Garanimals and had a wicked 1970's hair cut. In junior high I wore parachute pants and a "Where's the Beef?" t-shirt. In high school I wore turtlenecks that made my "bitchin' mullet" look even more ridiculous than it already was. I later had a braided pony tail that made me look almost as cool as Jordan from New Kids on the Block. But now, look at me. I look good. Women want to be with me and men want to be me. College girls shamelessly throw themselves at me. My wife can barely make it through a day at work without getting fired because she daydreams incessantly about me. How lucky must she feel to be married to a handsome stud like me who keeps her feeling young in her old age!

Only three more shopping days 'till...

That's right kids, there are only a few more days to find that perfect gift for yours truly. My birthday is on Sunday the 25th. I will be at least 21 years old. I would like 3-inch dual exhausts with deafening glass packs for my 1996 Crown Vic cop car. I would like a CD player and tinted windows as well. I would also accept a Black, 1957 Chevrolet Nomad with the afformentioned customizations. These are just suggestions. If you want to give me something a little less materialistic, you can donate to the Hurricane Katrina Fund in my name.

The things I do NOT want for my birthday include, but are not limited to, eyeglasses, a cane, knee replacements, or Depends Undergarments. I am still a young man despite what my son thinks! Let's face it, if I shaved more than once a week I could still pass for a high school student. Can you say "21 Jump Street"?! Thank you in advance for all my wonderful gifts. I will allow a select few of my female friends to administer the obligatory birthday spankin' by appointment only. I will reveal my true age then so you can get the number of swats correct. (I wouldn't want to get cheated.) So post your comments here to sign up, ladies. Its good to be the birthday boy!

Life is a Circus

Tonight, we are taking Alex to his first circus. Although it is a small, unknown troupe that is a far cry from Ringling Brothers, it can be a valuable teaching tool for our son. It will give him a clue of what to expect when he goes to school next year. First there is the Ringleader. He is the one who appears to be in charge of everything that happens at the circus. He tells the audience what is happening and seems to "direct" activity under the big top. Alex will encounter people like this when he goes to school. There is a kid in every class who takes center stage and acts like he is the boss of everyone. He also has a knack for talking a lot. Alex may fill this role himself when he goes to Kindergarten. Next there are the performers themselves. They live for attention and perform dangerous or even stupid stunts just to get noticed. That sounds like Alex, too. He'll probably jump off the merry-go-round or the top of the slide to impress his buddies. Hopefully he won't try sword-swallowing, fire-breathing, or lion-taming. I could see him trying a trapeze act on the swingset, though. Then we have the clowns. What better word is there to describe my son (or his father)? There is always that one kid in class who will do anything to get a laugh. He will "read" the blank page at the front of a text book to crack up the nerdy guy sitting next to him. He will put a Playboy Centerfold in the projector screen so that when the teacher unrolls it for some boring filmstrip, the class will get a special surprise. He will make fart noises in the back of the room after everyone falls silent during an important test. Am I talking about Alex or myself? At any rate, going to the circus (or school) prepares a kid for what to expect in life. I hope he enjoys it as much as I did when I was a kid. I hope they have cotton candy!

"I need to ice my crotch."

My beautiful wife Bethany survived her 150 mile, cycling odyssey this weekend. She and her friend Janine (that's probably spelled incorrectly) were the only two riders of their six member team from Capital Region Medical Center who completed the entire trek. Bethany hadn't ridden a bike in nearly ten years and was considered "least likely to finish" the event by a few nay-sayers. But with the help of her friends, she trained for over a month to get in shape. She also received a shiny, new bike for her birthday from her #1 fan so that she could ride in style while proving her doubters wrong. She did this both for herself and to raise money for the fight against Multiple Sclerosis. It is not too late to "sponsor" her effort. You can click on the following link before October 31 to donate in her name. https://www.nationalmssociety.org/MOS/personal/default.asp?pa=52695428&pd=MOS0EMS120050910COM

As proud of her as I am, and as sexy as she looked on that bike, my enthusiasm could only be diminished by her quote upon the completion of her ride. "I need to ice my crotch," she proclaimed in response to her bike seat rubbing her the wrong way for 16 hours of cycling in the Missouri heat and humidity. That's my wife! I love her...

New Tailgate Location!

Attention Tailgaters: We are moving the party from Reactor Field to the southernmost lot on College Avenue near Staduim Blvd. The lot is on the west side of the road and is FREE to park in! We'll be there by 3:oo. Call me at 819-0530 if you can't find us. See you Saturday!

Lighter Fare

The time has arrived for the first Tiger Tailgate of the season. I will be stationed in the new gravel parking lot at Reactor Field on Providence Road south of the Red Cross Blood Center. Look for either a black 1976 Chevy dually with a pair of black and gold flags or a 1996 white Ford Crown Vic Police car. The old truck's tranny is acting up, but I think it can play with pain. Either way, I'll be there. Anyone is welcome to come and join in the fun. I suggest that you park on the southbound shoulder of Providence and walk to where I will be because the blood-suckers at the University are charging $10 to park at Reactor field. There is no free parking at any university lot anymore! Call me on my cell phone if you can't find me @ 819-0530. I will provide a grill, charcoal, etc, you bring whatever you want to cook. I'll have a cooler with ice for those who need to chill beverages. (BYOB!) I'll be there by 3:00 at the latest, so come anytime after that. Kick off is at 6:00. See you there!

Divided We Fall

In the aftermath of the disaster that befell our nation on September 11, 2001, our battle cry was a unanimous "United We Stand". Ironically, just about a week shy of the anniversary of that horrific occasion, another unspeakable tragedy is infolding in our country. However, the phrase that may best sum up the circumstances following the destruction of Hurricane Katrina is "Divided We Fall". Due largely to the division of peoples due to race and/ or social class, our fellow Americans in New Orleans are needlessly suffering. Some narrow-minded folks have blamed the impoverished victims who "chose not to evacuate" before the storm hit. With 40% of its population living below the poverty line, the majority of the people still stranded in the Hell that New Orleans has become had no means to evacuate the city in the two days from the time the evacuation was ordered till the storm hit. When you live in abject poverty and do not own a car or have the money to subsidize a move to a different town, then you are in real trouble. Officials from FEMA and the local and federal governments new this fact and projected that 100,000 to 200,000 people would be left behind in the event of a forced evacuation due to the lack of means to escape. They analyzed differnet scenarios in the event of a hurricane of this magnitude in New Orleans and knew that a certain amount of people could not escape. Yet five days after the storm, people are still stranded in the city, starving to death, dying from dehydration and lack of medical attention, and yet help is only just now coming. By the time the rescue effort is at full strength, thousands of victims will have died while awaiting rescue. How is it that we can send aid to the Tsunami victims within days, but can't help our own citizens. Babies are dying in public, elderly people are dying in front of news cameras, and street gangs are terrorizing the few well intentioned people who are trying to help while awaiting back-up from the National Guard. Should our Guardsmen be dying in Iraq for a country that should be governing itself by now, or should they be Stateside like they were intended to be in the event of a national emergency?

Do whatever you can to help the people suffering in the Gulf Coast. Bethany and I spent our honeymoon in New Orleans. The romantic, vibrant, life-loving city once called "the Big Easy" has become a symbol of what can go wrong in this country when our priorities and resources are misplaced. Give to the Red Cross or your favorite charity. Take a homeless family into your home. Do what you can to help because "United We Stand, Divided We Fall" is true whichever way we allow it to go.