How to Salvage a Seemingly Crappy Day

This is a long post, but it should be worth your time to read it.

8:15 am- Woke up. Fed critters and Alex. Got cleaned up and dressed.

9:05 am- Left for Jeff City to meet Bethany.

9:35 am- Picked Bethany up at work and drove to Mid America Labs.

9:50 am- While family waited in the car, went in to lab.

9:51 am- Rang bell for service. Friendly female lab tech asks, "Can I help you?" Such an innocent question. If only she knew what I was there to do.

"I'm here for a semenanalysis."

"OH. Do you have it with you?" Again with the loaded questions.

"No. I need to do it here."

"OH. How far away do you live?" You're killing me with the questions.

"More than a half hour away. My doctor says he wants... a fresher sample." There were no more secrets between us now. The tech and I painfully understood the situation. I couldn't bring a sample in with me because of the time it would take to get it to the lab. The lab had no special, private area in which to complete the task while maintaining some tiny portion of my dignity.

"Where do you want to do it?" Why are you doing this to me?

"I used an exam room the last time."

"OH, ok. Follow me." I followed her back into the labyrinth of the lab. "Wait here." I did.

Then I heard whispering between the tech and another woman. I imagined the converstion went something like this:

"Betty, there is a gentleman here who needs to use a room to submit a sperm sample."

"Dear God! Here?! Oh, he must be mortified."

"He is remarkably calm actually. But I am deeply embarrassed for him. Can he use an exam room?"

"Sure, let's go find him one." Now I was being led to a room by two women who know exactly what I would be doing once the door was closed.

"Oh my. This room is freezing. I hope you are warm natured," the second woman offered. As if it mattered. I suppose she thought that it would make me uncomfortable to be cold while my pants were around my ankles. The task before me would suffice for making me suitably uncomfortable.

"This will be fine," I assured her. She smiled unnaturally while the first woman offered me a sterile cup.

"Just come find me when you're finished and bring it to me." Great, I get to wander around this maze with it in my hand while looking for a strange woman. Can you say stalker?

I'll spare you the details of what transpired next. To paint a mental picture of the ambiance, imagine this taking place in an ob-gyn exam room with all of its wonderful pictures of fetuses and what-not and all the while I could hear the ladies talking to each other outside my door. Not exactly a relaxing situation. Then the male ego kicked in. I thought, these women will know exactly how long this activity took to complete. How long should it last under these circumstances? If it lasts too long, they may think something is wrong and come knocking on the door at a most inopportune time. If it doesn't last long enough, they may think that I'm a little quick on the draw, or worse: that I actually enjoyed doing it in their office! Such thoughts did nothing to help ease the tension.

10:05 am- Found the tech in a loud room. She didn't see me come in. I blurted out, "All done!" She jumped like a cartoon cat being scared by a dog.

"Oh my goodness! You surprised me." With my speed, duration, or voice?

"Sorry about that. Anyway, I guess I need to pay for the tests. Is there a receptionist?"

"Not today. You can pay me." I handed her the cup and she handed me a pen to write the check. I felt so dirty I could barely look her in the eye. As I filled out the check, a centrifuge rattled a collection of vials filled with god knows what off of the table sending them crashing to the floor beside me. I was relieved that my sample was not among those lost in the disaster. "Don't touch it," she said. "Its glass." Yeah, that is what I was worried would come into contact with my skin. "Ok, you're all set," she said as I handed her the check. I explained that my wife would be coming by to pick up the results and I wished her a good day.

10:10 am- Took Bethany back to work. Grumbled under my breath about my experince in the lab. Detected a hint of sympathy.

10:30 am- Took Alex to Runge Nature Center in Jeff City. Got to look at all sorts of fish, reptiles, and other critters both living and stuffed. A nice lady at the info desk (who thankfully had no idea what I had done just minutes earlier in her beloved hometown) spilled a couple dozen magazines and handouts pertaining to Missouri wildlife all over the floor. Alex noticed and asked me, "Do you think we should help her clean it up?" I was very proud and said yes, that would be a nice thing to do. The lady was so impressed with his helpfulness that she gave us one of every publication she had. They chatted about animals and wished each other a good day.

11:00 am- Walked on hiking trails around the center and had a great time exploring nature. Alex spotted some scat, some fur, and some tracks. He loves to explore.

12:30 pm- Came home. Had lunch. Took a long nap.

3:30 pm- Alex and I walked over to the neighbor's pond and went fishin'.

4:00 pm- Caught my first fish of the year. A two pound bass with a fat belly probably full of eggs. Alex gave her a hug and I gave her a kiss and threw her back. We went home smelling like fish, the true sign of a successful fishing outing.

6:30 pm- Bethany came home and told me my lab results. They were normal! Third try was a charm I guess. I'll talk to a doctor about the findings and we'll try to figure out how to "close the deal."

6:34 pm- As I sit here and reflect on my day I realize how lucky I am to have the family that I do. No, the events of this morning and the other tests I have undergone were not fun. But when I get to spend the day outdoors with my son doing the things that we both love, it reminds me of why I'm going through all these hassles in the first place. If after all is said and done we eventually do have another child, it will all have been worth it.

And that's how I turned my crappy day into a good one.